I know this is blurry and not a great photo, but it's the most recent shot that I have showing more of me than just my face. I don't know if you can tell based on my last portrait, but I've gone down a dress size.
It has been awhile since I had a break down or spilled my guts on my imperfections and short comings, but alas, I still have them. Most days I do alright. I can see the improvements that I have made in my health just by how I feel and how I look in the mirror. I'm usually just fine, except for when I'm at the gym and feel like the fat kid that no one really wants around. Seriously, I do. I should get over it, I know. Realistically I'm sure no one is actually even thinking about me and what I'm doing at the gym, but I still feel like they are just annoyed that I'm taking up space on their precious machines. But I need the workout just as much if not more than they do.
I realized the other day that I'm the one to blame for these feelings that I have at the gym. The looks people give me are probably not dirty, and if they are dirty perhaps I bring them on myself. How? Well, I'm the one walking around feeling self-conscious and avoiding any conversation. I'm the one who doesn't want to be in people's way because I feel inferior to them because of my body type. The truth is, I can lift as much and work out as hard as many of those gorgeous women in there. I've just had a harder go this last year which has left its mark on my body. I'm the one who didn't take care of myself like I should have, but I've repented of those ways and am working on it.
Sometimes I watch as women with a shape like mine act like they own the place. They talk with others in there and are accepted as equals, not because they are incredibly thin and look the part, but because they have the confidence to know that they belong. They know that their body is fine the way it is. It's beautiful even if they have a few things they would like to work on. But they are at the gym, taking care of themselves which is most of the battle.
What do these women have that I don't? The exact thing that I've been striving for since I started this blog, confidence and peace with the person and body that they are. So lately I've been trying to act the part. I don't feel the part, but often thoughts and feelings can follow action. Like when you act with energy even though you have none it automatically lifts your energy level and brightens your mood. So far I think it's helping, even though I'm not exactly chummy with the others at the gym, but I have made a few friends and I no longer look away in shame when someone glances in my direction. I may not be a size 4 right now, but I'm taking care of my body, and I'm worth it.