Monday, December 20, 2010

To post, or not to post

I have been going back and forth all day trying to decide if I should take the time to post or not. Not only would I have to take time to do it, but I really haven't much to say today. My mind is a flutter with Christmas preparations. I have been trying to figure out what I am taking to various holiday gatherings and what to make for my little family on Christmas day. I have been wrapping presents (a chore that I hate more than I can tell you) and cleaning house to get ready for Santa's debut. The neighbor gifts are delivered, I only have one package left to mail, and all the Christmas shopping is done.

My thoughts have been turning to the new year and what I would like to accomplish. I have been trying to think of what resolutions I would like to commit to. This year I want to realistically commit to a few things and actually follow through. It's not that I'm flaky (although that may be the case some of the time) with my resolutions, it's that I never document them and soon forget them. Plus, I have always been a little skeptical of setting resolutions just because it's January 1st. But this year is going to be different. I plan to only set a small few well documented resolutions and to stick to them. All year. I'll update you more on that.

I have been awfully hard on myself lately. I keep trying to keep a positive outlook. I keep reminding myself where I have been and how far I've come, but I keep getting frustrated. My clothes don't fit, still. I am so tired all the time, again. The pain is returning, quickly. I know what I need to do, but at the moment I can't do it, or at least, not all of it. I'll be getting tested for Celiac's disease at the end of January, until then I have to eat gluten. To be honest, I'm not very hopeful of getting a real diagnosis, and that also makes life hard.

Do you question yourself often? I sure do. Especially when it comes to my pain and fatigue issues. Every new test comes back fine. Every doctor tells me I'm fine. So maybe I really am. There is a small chance I can't eat gluten, but I've given up hope for a diagnosis. I figure after this last test I can just change my eating habits to manage the pain and fatigue. But then I wonder if I truly am making this all up. Maybe I don't hurt. Maybe I'm not tired. Maybe I'm lazy and I use this as an excuse. I've always been one to like attention, maybe I'm making all of it up.

Yes, these are the things going through my head lately. It's funny how this time of year can bring so much happiness, excitement, fatigue, depression, and bewilderment all to one person all at the same time.

Ah, perhaps I shouldn't have posted today after all . . .


Sarah said...

sorry you're down. hang in there. remember you can decide and control a lot of those things, least of all how you talk to yourself. i think satan works extra hard to get us down this time of year cause it can have such a special spirit. remember to empower yourself and don't let him win!

and if you can't eat gluten, my next door neighbor has a gluten free site w/lots of awesome recipes b/c she can't either. there's a link on my blog called the unconventional kitchen. check it out. they eat awesome food. merry christmas!

StacyC said...

Hang in there honey! I think we all go through times when it is hard to be positive. But it does help to surround yourself with people that can lift you up and give you the positive approach and support you need. And we're here to help you whenever you need us.