Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Dark Days of January

I just keep telling myself to remember this girl. This happy girl. This girl who wasn't always in pain.

I've been in a dark place the last few weeks. First off, it's January. I hate January (no offense January, but you really don't give people a lot to look forward to). I'm ready for Spring. But Spring is not ready for me. So I wait for the days to start lengthening out. I have such big plans for my garden and yard this year. I can't wait to get to it. But as I mentioned before, it is January, so I wait.

I admit that I'm always a little down this time of year, but this year has been particularly hard. I've been waiting for an endoscopy that should have taken place on the 3rd, but had to be rescheduled to the 24th which has to be rescheduled to the 1st of February. I'm beginning to believe that it will never happen. And until that test happens, I have to continue to eat a "regular" diet. Because of this I have felt out of control. Remember my resolution to stop with sugar and other white things? Well, that has gone out the window, and I have not been even close to eating well. I hate feeling out of control this way. But I keep saying, "as soon as I have this test done things will be different." And they will be, I am going to re-do my elimination diet and finish it right this time so we will know exactly what is triggering all my problems. But until then. . .

So that has been weighing me down. And then the pain and fatigue is awful, awful, awful. I can barely function. My poor husband has to come home to a messy house, no dinner, a toddler in desperate need of attention, and a wife who simply wants to collapse on the couch and give up. Yeah, it's been a hard few weeks.

Now add in the fact that I've had not one, but two bouts with the flu in the last month and there you have it. Not just a cold flu either. A coming out both ends flu (sorry to be graphic, but I know you all have been there). You mix all this together and it really is no wonder I've been down. At least, I think it isn't any wonder. And to be honest, considering all this, I really have managed to keep it pretty light around here, just a big hectic. We are happy (remember I like to dramatize things, so don't panic, I'm not about to jump off a bridge) even if things have been difficult.

But this is the kicker, I am so sick of not knowing what is really wrong with me. Why do I go to sleep each night in serious pain only to wake up to the same pain? The same pain that was present in my dreams even. Why am I still so tired after sleeping 10 hours at night and taking a 2 hour nap during the day? Why are my headaches so bad? I would just like an answer. So I've got this big medical test coming up, and all I can think is, "This is such a waste of money and time. I know they aren't going to find anything. . . again. They're just going to tell me (again) that it is all in my head, and send me out the door with nothing." It seems that every time we go through these tests I manage to get really, really down. I'm so tired of not knowing.

So I haven't been blogging, or really doing anything lately. Just stewing and waiting. That is why I am doing the elimination diet over. It was the one thing that brought relief, aside from yoga but even that is temporary. And if I never know exactly what is causing it, at least I have found something that makes me feel better. I am going to take charge after this test. If I ever have the test.

But let's be honest, it's really hard to like yourself and love the image in the mirror when you feel so rotten. Hang in there body, we can do this, just one more week.

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