The weekend's cut out

This morning my husband came in to kiss me goodbye (and awake) later than usual. I asked if he was running late. He was. But not because he slept in like I had thought. He had to plow us out. NO! Plow us out? I looked outside to behold a winter wonderland.

My back yard truly is amazing and beautiful. But I am done with snow. Snow is such a wonderful thing. . . in December. Cormac was having fun until he fell on his bum (perhaps because he was wearing about 4 layers of clothing and couldn't walk well in that deep snow?) Then he wasn't so sure about all of it.

So this weekend is going to be wet. Check. But this weekend is also going to be busy. Yesterday I spent the entire day texturing our kitchen. Today I begin painting. Soon, very soon, the kitchen will be done (well, other than the floor, but if it were really all the way done I don't know what we'd do).

My boys have been hard at work. Now it's my turn I suppose. We take safety very serious around here, but that's no reason to not look super awesome. Thus the safety glasses that are also super cool shades.

So we have the kitchen. And because of the kitchen project the house is trashed. Not just a little messy, but trashed. I need to wipe down the walls and vacuum off the furniture because of all the dust we've created in here. That kind of nasty. So I also have that to do. (Wow, two paragraphs in a row without a side note in parenthesis, sort of.)

Then, because we really aren't very busy, we are doing a huge project in my husband's shop. We are transforming the entire building. But this one is a surprise for you (and others), so I won't  tell you anymore just yet.

With all the things I'm working on this weekend my brain is overwhelmed. So rather than write you a really provocative or inspiring post I'm going to leave you to get to work. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Stay safe on the roads if it's snowing where you are too.

Showing myself some love

I've been focusing a lot on eating disorders this week. Having experienced one first hand I feel like it is important for me to try to help others. So when I heard about NEDAwareness week I had to jump in.

But, there is something else exciting going on right now. The month of February is self-love month and in case you are a little behind (like me) the month ends next week. There are hundreds of resources out there with ideas on how to show yourself some love. With such a wealth of ideas I have decided to spend the next few days focusing on what is working for me personally. This blog is all about getting personal anyway.

Image Source

As my regular readers already know, I struggle with my self-esteem and body image. It has been an ongoing battle for me for 27 years. So when I decided to put an end to it I did what I always do when I'm trying to learn how to do something new; I started reading. A lot. Everything I could get my hands on. I'm still reading. Yesterday I checked out 3 more books from the library. 

The idea that has been present in nearly every source I've used has been to be kind to yourself. So I have been trying to implement this in my life. I started with stopping the bad talk about myself in my head. This has been very difficult. It takes conscious effort. I have had to distance myself from images, radio, and sometimes people that make me feel bad about myself. Anytime I feel despair about my size or appearance I try to replace the thought with how great I am. When that doesn't work I will start doing something (like reading) that I truly enjoy to take my mind to a happier place until I'm ready to stop the negativity. 

Next I moved on to judgements about how I eat. I almost always have feelings of guilt when I eat. When I eat a super healthy meal I usually feel proud. I decided that both of these feelings are unhealthy. The proud feelings were reinforcing the guilt and so on. This battle is on going, but essentially I repeatedly tell myself that it's okay to eat whatever I want. No guilt. Then I observe how I feel. I observe without judgement. I have noticed that after I eat bread or sugar I get light headed. I'd never put the two together before. With these observations I generally make the choice to eat healthier, but if I feel like a slice of pie or a piece of candy I can have one without feeling like a failure. It's working, but it's not automatic yet.

I have been doing more yoga and focusing on how amazing my body truly is. I am strong. I love how strong my body is. I don't give my body enough credit for how amazing it is. I've been trying to consciously focus on those things that are great about me.

Lastly I have stopped being so hard on myself. If all I get done in a day is to keep my son and myself fed and safe that is enough for that day. If I get more done that's great too. I have stopped feeling like I have to do everything all the time. So what if my husband comes home from work somedays and I still don't have a bra on? Some days are just like that. No judgement. I'm trying to live my life by this quote:

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.

~Lao Tzu

Amen to that. Everything important will get done. There is no reason to stress about it. My family and I are much better served when I am calm and working on things in a more orderly fashion.

So the big question: Is it working? Well, a couple of days ago my husband told me I was, "looking really good." He has noticed that something has changed. But I know for a fact that my weight and measurements have not moved. So what is different? I'm starting to like myself and to have more confidence than ever before. Things are beginning to change and it's noticeable. To me and to others. 

Just One Thing

The theme for this year's Eating Disorder's Awareness week is, "It's time to talk about it." If you've been reading for a while you probably remember me telling about my own experience with an eating disorder. If not, you can read up on it here. So I guess I feel as though I've already started this conversation. The NEDA wants everyone to "just do one thing" this year. The idea is that if we can all do just one thing to bring awareness about eating disorders amazing strides could be gained.

So I've been wondering what my one thing would be. I wanted to write this post to the people out there who maybe don't fit into a particular category. Meaning they are not specifically anorexic, bulimic, or a compulsive over eater.

During my years of food abuse I had no idea that I had a problem. You can see from the comments some of my high school friends left after that post confessing my disorder that not even those close to me knew about it. My parents had no idea until I was trying to fix it. I suppose I knew somewhat that what I was doing was not good because I hid it from the people around me. I would sneak diet pills and sometimes laxatives. But I "knew" I was okay because what I was doing did not fit into a specific category. I was neither anorexic or bulimic. Therefore I was okay.

When my husband found out about the diet pills and what I had been doing he encouraged me to seek help. I was in college at the time and there were several support groups at the university. But I refused to go.

Why? Because I didn't fit a specific category. More importantly, in my mind, I wasn't thin enough to go. I was at a fairly healthy weight at the time. A weight that I thought was way too big. I knew if I showed my face in a group like that people would look at the size of me and dismiss me. I didn't think they would take me seriously. If I were only thinner. . .

I recounted this fact to a friend once who told me, "That should have been a sign to you that you really did have a problem and needed help." True. But it didn't. So my road to recovery has been incredibly slow. I think I would be light years ahead of where I am today if I had found help. I wish I would have. Recovery is still on going for me.

So where am I going with this? Good question. I guess what I really want to say is that if you have an unhealthy relationship with food; a relationship where you obsess about your weight and meals; you have a problem. You should seek help. Maybe you don't fit into a specific category. That's okay. What you are doing is still unhealthy and can cause incredible damage now and in the future. Please talk to someone.

You don't have to live a life in slavery to what does or does not go in your mouth.

You have the power to change all of that.

And you are so incredibly worth it.

Rainy Days and Mondays

The weekend went by way, way too fast. We are under construction here. We started re-doing our kitchen nearly a year ago. The last few weekends we have been finishing things up. By we I mean mostly my dear husband. He's been hanging sheetrock and doing the taping and mudding. Soon it will be my turn to take over with the texturing and painting. But with all the work the weekend seems to fly. Anyway, to ease us into another week I thought I'd link you to a few inspirational reads.

Did you know that this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week? I'll be talking a little more about this as the week goes on, but please check out NEDA's website for ideas on how to get involved to spread the message of recovery.

~ Check out what Ashley has to say about The Great Calorie Debate. I love this.
~ Some reassurance that Self Love is not Selfish.
~ And while you are deciding to show yourself and others love you can read these 15 Ways to do just that.
~ If you need some inspiration for dinner you should look at Sprouted Kitchen. Yum!
~ This article was very thought provoking on What Would Happen If You Got What You Wanted.
~ Lastly, yesterday I wrote a rant about Pepsi's new slim can. Now I know that some people feel I was over reacting, and maybe there's some truth to that. However, I would like you to all read this post by Health For the Whole Self. I really want to say something nerdy like, "my sentiments exactly" because she eloquently puts into words my feelings as well.

Alright, I hope you enjoy these good reads as much as I did. What's that you say? It's Tuesday, not Monday? Wow, I guess I really am further behind than I thought.

Pepsi: Destroying Body Image One Can at a Time

I was in the car with my son the other day driving home from the library. As is typical there was only over played songs I had no interest in on the radio, so I flipped to the news (my husband has been trying to get me to listen to talk radio for years, and he is succeeding much to his great pleasure). The news anchor was going along with her report when she announced that Pepsi was changing the look of their diet can. The new can is tall and skinny to celebrate beautiful, confident women.

Whoa! Wait a second. So the can has to be tall and skinny? This has been haunting me ever since I heard about it. Want to see what it looks like? Here you go:

Source

Here are a couple quotes directly from the press release:

"In celebration of beautiful, confident women, Diet Pepsi presents the taller, sassier new Skinny Can"


"Our slim, attractive new can is the perfect complement to today's most stylish looks, and we're excited to throw its coming-out party during the biggest celebration of innovative design in the world."


Personally, I am offended by this. Thank you Pepsi for perpetuating a serious problem in our culture. Thank you for reinforcing that the only way to be beautiful, successful, and confident is to be skinny. That's just what we need.

If you are wondering if I'm upset the answer is Absolutely. I do have a bit of a temper, and stuff like this gets me fired up. I feel despair right now. Will we ever be able to embrace beauty for the many forms it takes?

Declarations and being Politically Correct

The beautiful Jenarcissist.

As I have embarked on this journey to learn to love myself I have come across a whole slue of people who are searching for the same thing. Many of them are much more settled in their feelings of self-worth than I currently am. I find so much inspiration from these great people.

Right now, today, where I sit I am happy and content with myself. Oh sure, I could come up with a list of things I'd like to change, but whenever that list comes to mind I am careful to push it aside and acknowledge all that I am. No, I am not a size 4 again. But I am strong. I exercise regularly and am healthy. And that is really what I wanted in the first place.

I generally take comfort in sharing my story. While it is difficult at times to bare your soul to the great unknown, it can also be very healing.

I recently read Jenarcissist Bares All: A History of Insecurity. In this post Jen tells her life story. It's beautiful, and heartbreaking, and incredibly easy to relate to in many ways. I believe that insecurity is a huge part of growing up. But as we all know, that insecurity can often lead to greater calamities. At the end of her tale Jen says this:

So these are some things I think about myself now in general. I will not apologize for them; they do not make me full of myself. I am redefining for myself what it means to like me and be okay with that.
1) I am a beautiful girl inside and out. I've decided to just believe it when people say it, though it's not their opinion that gives me the validation.
2) I am not fat. Oh, the "other" F-word. And such a loaded word it is. We each have our own definition of what the word means for our individual body, and I try to see myself more realistically now. It's not about how I look; it's about being healthy.


The list continues on, but I wanted to focus on these two. When I read this the first time I felt my cheeks flushing. I was so embarrassed for her. How can you just come out and say these sorts of things? It's not socially acceptable at all. I mean, if we aren't using fat talk than we should just keep our mouths shut about our appearance, right?

But I spent some time thinking about this. To this day I think the only time I have ever used the word "Beautiful" to describe myself was when it was dripping with sarcasm in order to put myself down. And right now I think that is a shame. Why do I feel like I can't think and definitely never say that I am, in fact, beautiful? What am I afraid of? Am I afraid that the "beauty police" are going to swoop down and inform me otherwise? Maybe lock me away for the MAD idea that I could possibly be "beautiful" with out being a certain size, a certain tan-ness, or having a certain hair length?


So I have a new goal. I want to learn from Jenarcissist's example. I want to be able to declare that I am beautiful inside and out. I want to be able to declare that I am not fat. And I want to be able to tell the world these things and actually believe them.


Um. . . but maybe I'll let it marinate just a little longer. Maybe I'll declare myself Monday. Just like Indigo says in the Princess Bride, "wait until you are ready." I think I'll do just that.

On shaved legs and bed sheets

I love the Self-Discovery Word by Word series that Ashley from Nourishing the Soul is doing. So I thought I'd jump on board. Why not? But then I heard what this month's word was, and I wasn't sure I would be able to do it. The word is Pleasure.

My knee-jerk reaction when I hear the word pleasure is that it is something bad. Something to be avoided. Pleasure. It just sounds so . . . dirty. It makes me think of over-indulgence and prostitution. Things I'm anti. It's a funny thing, but the word Pleasure has really gotten a bad wrap. When I asked my husband his thoughts he confessed that his first thoughts were along the same lines as mine.

But I've been thinking about this for a good week now and have done some reading. The day that I found out about this series and the word for February my Yoga Journal arrived (thanks to the fundraising efforts of my dear nephew, Braeden). Guess what was on the cover? A headline that read "Pleasure as a path to your Self." I immediately flipped to page 53. While there were many wonderful things Sally Kempton said in the article this part stood out more than anything:

"From a mystical point of view, your capacity for enjoyment is the signature of the inherent blissfulness of creation. From the point of view of brain science, you are wired for pleasure. The pleasure centers are located in the midbrain . . . and are designed to fire in response to stimuli that ensure your physical survival. . . In healthy cycles, the higher brain chooses pleasures that are good for the survival of the individual and the greater community. In unhealthy cycles, however, the system can get hijacked by imbalances, whether genetic, stress induced, or chemical. This is what happens in our stress-loaded society, where so many of us are conditioned to take pleasure in junk food, drugs, and forms of entertainment that are ultimately bad for our well-being and the well-being of our community, not to mention the planet. But the body's natural tendency is to treat pleasure as a signal that you're on the right track (emphasis added, from the March 2011 ed.)."


Shall we break it down? Okay, first of all we are designed to have pleasure. How beautiful is that sentence: "your capacity for enjoyment is the signature of the inherent blissfulness of creation." Makes me shudder. (I take great pleasure in language as beautiful as this.) Our pleasure center was designed to reward us for taking care of ourselves. But in today's world that pleasure center has been destroyed and now we see pleasure as a bad thing. We don't trust our bodies anymore and thus take pleasure in things that are destructive.

The good news is that we can take back our pleasure center. We don't have to be "hijacked." And this subject of taking back pleasure has been where my mind has been dwelling the last few days. First off, I feel it is important that we eat intuitively. We must honor our body. Trust our body. No more dieting and eating only foods we have labeled as "good." Then we should allow ourselves to get in tune with what we actually take pleasure in.

Why is this so important? Let's take exercise for example. If you do not find pleasure in an activity you will never stick with it. (So that's why my efforts to be a marathoner have failed.) But when you find a form of exercise be it running, walking, yoga, gardening, or chasing children, and you take pleasure in that activity suddenly you find yourself motivated to continue. But wait, I can't burn as many calories taking a walk as I can running? True. However, if you only run for a few days then give up altogether doesn't that defeat the purpose? Whereas you may stick with a daily walk for years.

Our bodies are wired to find pleasure. That poor word has taken a beating. It's time to take it back. It's time to find pleasure in life, and especially in the little things. For me? Well, I think the closest thing to Heaven is a pair of freshly shaved legs sliding in between newly laundered sheets that are pulled nice and tight. Life doesn't get much more pleasurable than that, and there is nothing awful in a pair of clean sheets.