Friday, February 18, 2011
Declarations and being Politically Correct
As I have embarked on this journey to learn to love myself I have come across a whole slue of people who are searching for the same thing. Many of them are much more settled in their feelings of self-worth than I currently am. I find so much inspiration from these great people.
Right now, today, where I sit I am happy and content with myself. Oh sure, I could come up with a list of things I'd like to change, but whenever that list comes to mind I am careful to push it aside and acknowledge all that I am. No, I am not a size 4 again. But I am strong. I exercise regularly and am healthy. And that is really what I wanted in the first place.
I generally take comfort in sharing my story. While it is difficult at times to bare your soul to the great unknown, it can also be very healing.
I recently read Jenarcissist Bares All: A History of Insecurity. In this post Jen tells her life story. It's beautiful, and heartbreaking, and incredibly easy to relate to in many ways. I believe that insecurity is a huge part of growing up. But as we all know, that insecurity can often lead to greater calamities. At the end of her tale Jen says this:
So these are some things I think about myself now in general. I will not apologize for them; they do not make me full of myself. I am redefining for myself what it means to like me and be okay with that.
1) I am a beautiful girl inside and out. I've decided to just believe it when people say it, though it's not their opinion that gives me the validation.
2) I am not fat. Oh, the "other" F-word. And such a loaded word it is. We each have our own definition of what the word means for our individual body, and I try to see myself more realistically now. It's not about how I look; it's about being healthy.
The list continues on, but I wanted to focus on these two. When I read this the first time I felt my cheeks flushing. I was so embarrassed for her. How can you just come out and say these sorts of things? It's not socially acceptable at all. I mean, if we aren't using fat talk than we should just keep our mouths shut about our appearance, right?
But I spent some time thinking about this. To this day I think the only time I have ever used the word "Beautiful" to describe myself was when it was dripping with sarcasm in order to put myself down. And right now I think that is a shame. Why do I feel like I can't think and definitely never say that I am, in fact, beautiful? What am I afraid of? Am I afraid that the "beauty police" are going to swoop down and inform me otherwise? Maybe lock me away for the MAD idea that I could possibly be "beautiful" with out being a certain size, a certain tan-ness, or having a certain hair length?
So I have a new goal. I want to learn from Jenarcissist's example. I want to be able to declare that I am beautiful inside and out. I want to be able to declare that I am not fat. And I want to be able to tell the world these things and actually believe them.
Um. . . but maybe I'll let it marinate just a little longer. Maybe I'll declare myself Monday. Just like Indigo says in the Princess Bride, "wait until you are ready." I think I'll do just that.