As I have embarked on this journey to learn to love myself I have come across a whole slue of people who are searching for the same thing. Many of them are much more settled in their feelings of self-worth than I currently am. I find so much inspiration from these great people.
Right now, today, where I sit I am happy and content with myself. Oh sure, I could come up with a list of things I'd like to change, but whenever that list comes to mind I am careful to push it aside and acknowledge all that I am. No, I am not a size 4 again. But I am strong. I exercise regularly and am healthy. And that is really what I wanted in the first place.
I generally take comfort in sharing my story. While it is difficult at times to bare your soul to the great unknown, it can also be very healing.
I recently read Jenarcissist Bares All: A History of Insecurity. In this post Jen tells her life story. It's beautiful, and heartbreaking, and incredibly easy to relate to in many ways. I believe that insecurity is a huge part of growing up. But as we all know, that insecurity can often lead to greater calamities. At the end of her tale Jen says this:
So these are some things I think about myself now in general. I will not apologize for them; they do not make me full of myself. I am redefining for myself what it means to like me and be okay with that.
1) I am a beautiful girl inside and out. I've decided to just believe it when people say it, though it's not their opinion that gives me the validation.
2) I am not fat. Oh, the "other" F-word. And such a loaded word it is. We each have our own definition of what the word means for our individual body, and I try to see myself more realistically now. It's not about how I look; it's about being healthy.
The list continues on, but I wanted to focus on these two. When I read this the first time I felt my cheeks flushing. I was so embarrassed for her. How can you just come out and say these sorts of things? It's not socially acceptable at all. I mean, if we aren't using fat talk than we should just keep our mouths shut about our appearance, right?
But I spent some time thinking about this. To this day I think the only time I have ever used the word "Beautiful" to describe myself was when it was dripping with sarcasm in order to put myself down. And right now I think that is a shame. Why do I feel like I can't think and definitely never say that I am, in fact, beautiful? What am I afraid of? Am I afraid that the "beauty police" are going to swoop down and inform me otherwise? Maybe lock me away for the MAD idea that I could possibly be "beautiful" with out being a certain size, a certain tan-ness, or having a certain hair length?
So I have a new goal. I want to learn from Jenarcissist's example. I want to be able to declare that I am beautiful inside and out. I want to be able to declare that I am not fat. And I want to be able to tell the world these things and actually believe them.
Um. . . but maybe I'll let it marinate just a little longer. Maybe I'll declare myself Monday. Just like Indigo says in the Princess Bride, "wait until you are ready." I think I'll do just that.
2 comments:
Thank you so much for sharing my post. :) It's one of the hardest things I've ever written but also one of the dearest to my heart.
Hmm...the slight rebel in me (since I never rebelled as a teen) kinda likes the sound of the term "socially unacceptable." ;) One of the purposes behind our blog is to question WHY it isn't considered okay to say/feel things like that. Of course, I'm not going to go around flaunting to people and saying, "Look at me! Look how gorgeous I am!" quite that directly. lol But I really do think it's okay to believe those things about myself and just say "thanks" when people compliment me instead of telling them they're wrong in the name of self-doubt or modesty like we as women are taught to do from childhood. Maybe to move past our ingrained tendencies toward fat talk, first we have to realize some things about ourselves. I think we can have a healthy view of our appearance without it being about fat talk. Our appearances do matter to us, no doubt about it...but if we change the way we see them to something more realistic and positive, it can change a lot more than just that.
Why wait til Monday? Why not start now? No time like the present. ;)
P.S. The Beauty Police just looked at your picture and said, "Wowza!!" :)
I think it is important to understand that sometimes we have to say something to believe it. "sometimes we don't know we know something until we say it". We weren't born to think we are "fat, ugly, or an outcast. We learn it, whether it be from peers or family somebody taught us that we are those things....we have to remember God put us here he made us beautiful inside and out...that hasn't changed just our minds have....so....if we say it we believe it...too simple....no it isn't, remembering you are a daughter of God he thought enough of you to send you here give you talents and bless you with an adorable baby and husband says....YOU ARE WORTH IT, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU HAVE MUCH TO GIVE. To often I think women get depressed and the first thing to go is self image and self worth. Sometimes we need to look further at what is getting us down. I know I have been there, I have had eating disorders, overeating disorders and just plain low self esteem all from which was born from depression, when I fixed that I fixed the others it just takes the right step and sometimes we have to dance in a circle to get there. Good luck to you
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