Yesterday I finally broke down and went down to the doctor. I was really dizzy. My ears were drumming. So I had my husband drive me (rather than endanger the world with my dizzy driving).
As is the custom of doctor's offices I needed to stand on a scale at the beginning of the appointment. I have been very careful to avoid scales for the last few weeks. I have been trying to turn my attention to how my body feels, rather than how it looks.
I thought about stepping on backward. Then I would never know. . . but then there is a part of me that is still concerned with such things as weight. So I didn't. Besides. I was confident that the numbers would read lower than they did the last time I was on a scale.
They weren't lower.
And I had a moment of panic. For one fleeting moment I thought I should start a new diet. Summer is around the corner, how can I take my son to the pool without first dropping some weight? How can I successfully instruct yoga without losing some weight? How can I be a good wife if I don't lose some weight?
For one moment I thought of all the things that I could do to drop weight. I could set up some rules. Restrict certain foods. Exercise more (aka kill myself at the gym).
But the moment was rather fleeting. It passed quickly. And I realized that I didn't want to step back in to that lifestyle.
The most exciting part? I shrugged off my weight like it didn't matter. I had my moment of "oh no" and then moved on. I sent myself some love. Said it was okay that I wasn't dropping pounds left and right. I acknowledged that I felt thinner (I have lost inches even if I haven't lost pounds). But more than feeling thinner, I felt healthier than I have in a while (other than my exploding ear drums that is).
Ladies and gentlemen, I had a break though moment. A moment where I observed myself exactly where I am and decided that I am enough. Nothing needs to change. I'm okay with being me, and I'm okay with where being me is at right now.
So it is possible. Learning to love ourselves. I'm happy to say that I think I'm getting it down finally. Because I'm beautiful just the way I am. And I deserve love. So do you.