Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Accepting that my buns will never be steel

I bought a gym membership because my doctor thought it would be a good idea for me to start swimming. I have a horrible back. It has gotten to the level of constant pain (on a side note, I think this could be helped with yoga, but I'm so busy, so so busy that I usually only get in about 30 minutes of yoga a day). I walked into the gym and instantly felt bad about myself.

For the next few weeks I worked out every day. Sometimes twice a day. I just knew that if I worked out hard enough in no time I would look like the girls I imagined were shunning me. I ignored the sore feelings all over my body. The ones that made it difficult to life up my baby boy. I even imagined my back was getting better (it was not).

Cormac was allowed to stay in the day care for 90 minutes. I felt that I had to work hard the entire hour and a half. If I went to an hour long class that left 30 minutes for some self punishing. But some days I was so so tired. But if I couldn't do the work outs I would never be able to change. And I would be a failure. How hard could it be? Other people did it.

But after a series of horrible ear infections that Cormac managed to get every single time I'd take him to the day care we decided to take some time off. I think that's when I realized how incredibly burned out I was. Working out was awful. I hated it. I just wanted to lay around and never move again.

I tried going back to the gym a few times, but I would usually give up after a few days. It was too hard.

Yes, it's safe to say that sometimes I am hypocritical. I tell you all about how I'm trying to love my body where it is, but then I would go to the gym for a punishing 90 minutes after which I'd put the baby down for a nap and do at least another 30 minutes at home. But the only thing I was gaining was more and more injuries. And I really wasn't losing much weight, if any. I stop abusing food to abuse exercise. When I'm not abusing either of those I move on to money or obsessive house cleaning.

Learning to love yourself is hard work. For me learning all the different things I do to hide from dealing with my insecurities has been particularly difficult.

But I digress.

So I had stopped going to the gym or working out at all. But one day it was warm out. And sunny. And oh how I want Spring. So I put my little one in his stroller and out we went. It felt good. As I walked I started tuning in to my body. I loved the way it felt to walk and move. I realized how much I truly love to walk. Moving my body didn't have to be all punishment.

I finally decided to go back to a kick boxing class one day. After the class I would go home. No guilt over the last 30 minutes I didn't spend working out. That evening I did a nice 15 minute relaxing yoga routine to stretch out after the class and help avoid the aching in my body. I felt great.

I've come to the realization that little things add up. Getting a little physical activity in each day is  far more beneficial to my health than killing myself for a few days/weeks in a row then taking a few months to recover.

So even though I may never have buns of steel (who wants to sit on steel anyway?) I can have an incredibly healthy heart and enjoy my body.


Dani said...

I am glad that you realize that you don't have to kill yourself at a gym to do a good job. The gym is a great tool there are many things you can do there to "mix" it up and not get bored.
It makes me sad that as soon as you walked into the gym you felt bad about yourself. You should have felt good about yourself. You made the effort to get a healthy heart to energize your body.
But you took it too far by trying to throw in 90 min+ per day that is too much it would be hard to go back for anybody.
I have read through most of your posts and my feelings are you have a control issue....before you delete me LOL listen why i think that is. You spoke of an eating disorder most of the time eating disorders are based off of control not so much body image, you talk of not being able to do enough each day, you talk of wanting to immediately look like somebody else. When we feel out of control in one aspect of our lives we tend to control it in other ways you have relied on food and now exercise to do that. I think what you really need to stop and look at is what is it really you need to control? I may sound like an idiot to you right now....but I am 32 I battled these same feelings since I was 12 it took a lot of controlling the wrong things (anorexia,drugs,alcohol men, family, finances) therapy alot of bad mistakes and a ton of yo yo dieting to get me where I am today and if I can help only one person realize that it could be so much easier if you just find the real route of your problem it will make my journey worth it!
I never realized I was depressed...I should have, but I didn't. Because I wasn't really crying all the time, I could smile and laugh and have fun. But I was always looking for the next answer to an unsolved problem I talked myself in circles about what my problem was...I was fat...I just didn't like this about me or that about me....well it took a while but I found it and from your blog you need to find it too!

Jenarcissist @ the closet narcissist said...

I work out at Curves and love it. All women, no mirrors, doesn't matter what you wear, the other members are nice and not competitive and not fitness gurus...all in all, motivating and not at all intimidating.

Sounds like you've found a new routine that can work great for you. Walking gets you outside and is time spent with your kiddo. Win!

I think you hit the nail on the head with this:

"I've come to the realization that little things add up. Getting a little physical activity in each day is far more beneficial to my health than killing myself for a few days/weeks in a row then taking a few months to recover."

the narcissists' diary / the closet narcissist