Real power in responsibility

It seems to me that as a people we are no longer able to take responsibility for our own actions. If we are heavy then it must be the fault of fast food chains. If we are poor than it is a result of the government. If we have any kind of "issue" then it must be because of our parents.

How sad.

There is real power in taking responsibility upon ourselves. Now, don't get me wrong, in some cases it is true that others can cause our misery, but if we are truly honest with ourselves we would realize that we are extremely quick to place blame somewhere other than ourselves when sometimes it isn't really fair.

A few weeks ago, Dr. Solomon over at Nourishing the Soul wrote about the idea of making parents instrumental in the healing of eating disorders. Read this article, it's amazing.

Dr. Solomon points out that having parents help in healing is radical because "our society has readily adopted the notion that parents are the root of all of our problems and thus cannot be the source of our solutions." 

I think it is sad. During the Holidays magazines are riddled with articles about how to "survive your family" over the Holiday. There are so many movies on this theme as well. Really? Are the people that gave us birth, raised us, and loved us unconditionally even when we were teenagers really that bad? I would argue that with rare exception our parents have only ever wanted the best for us. They want us to be happy, successful, and healthy.

In the world of eating disorders new research is showing that parents largest contribution to the development with one is actually genetic. Which is something that frankly can't be helped.

Here's the thing folks, parents aren't perfect. But neither are you. And you won't be a perfect parent either. I certainly hope my own son is not as quick to blame his parents for any problems he encounters as many of the people I know. I know I'll never be a perfect mother, I know that I'll make plenty of mistakes, but I also know that no one could ever love my son the way I do. No one wants the best for him more than I do.

And I know the same is true of my parents for me and my siblings. My problems in life are not the fault of my parents, though they (like me) are not perfect.

In my own life I have tried hard to realize that perhaps no one is to blame. Maybe things are just how they are. Maybe my genetic makeup is such that I had low self-esteem growing up. I know it is certainly my own fault that I gained weight after the birth of my son. You should have seen the way I was eating. Blaming others, especially my parents, does nothing to help the situation. It keeps me from moving on and addressing the problem. And it could drive a wedge between me and those I blame. No, if we desire change and acceptance we need to stop placing blame and simply move on.

It can be scary to not place blame. It makes us vulnerable and at fault. But our vulnerability is also where we can learn to get to know ourselves better. Stop blaming and allow those who truly know and love you to be there for you. Because there is real power in taking responsibility upon ourselves.

Finding yourself in serving others

Last week I wrote about the importance of making our own needs a priority in our lives. I do believe in the power of caring for ourselves, but I feel like this advice should come with a warning:

There is danger in thinking of only ourselves.

Happiness does not come from being self-absorbed. In fact, I would argue that we are happiest when we serve others. But service doesn't have to mean never taking time for ourselves. And conversely, taking care of ourselves doesn't mean there will be no time for caring for others. Perhaps this quote sums it up best:

"The best way to find yourself is to 

lose yourself in the service of others."

~ Mohandas Gandhi

Taking time to care for ourselves allows us the energy and motivation to serve others. However, it can be consuming. When you feel like you must always put your own needs first and become self-absorbed the good you were doing by taking care of yourself dissolves and unhappiness will be the result.

This is where listening to our bodies comes in. Perhaps today all you need is a quick shower, a healthy breakfast, and then someone to serve. Tomorrow you may need to stay in your pjs all day reading a good book. As you learn to trust your body you will know how much energy you have for service. But know that service is contagious. At first you may be resistant, that's normal, but as you learn to care for others you will find joy.

In my own life, as a teenager I spent a lot of time serving. I can honestly say that I was happiest when I was in a nursing home visiting with people, or weeding someone's lawn who was in need, or cleaning the house before my mom got home from a trip. Service doesn't need to take all your time, but I can promise that you truly will find yourself and find complete happiness when you care for those around you.

Image Source.

A Running Joke

I know I said I'd have an announcement today, but between our two different sets of guests and conference we just didn't get anything done this weekend. Thus, stay tuned next Monday for the big announcement.

I realize that most of my writing is on the serious side, and perhaps you wonder if I have a sense of humor. So I'd like to send you over to Run, Eat, Repeat where Monica is doing a new feature on Tuesdays called "A Running Joke." Last Tuesday I shared a running experience that I had that was rather comical. There are two other jokes shared as well that will tickle your funny bone. While you're there check out the rest of the site.

And while we are on the subject of humor, this is me. Reading and blow drying my hair. My husband thought it was funny. I like to double task, and I love to read. Anyway, Happy Monday.

I'm Blogging Elsewhere Today

I'm a guest over at The Closet Narcissists today. Please click over to check it out. You'll love the fun things on their site and I hope you'll even like today's post. Below you'll find a little teaser.

Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want. 

~Sue Bender

I have been on a journey to figure out who I truly am. Not only that, but to like that person. I'm a people liker. I get along with all types of people. I always have. Yet I have struggled for years to grant that same acceptance to myself. I have struggled to make myself into something I am not. For example:

This is a picture of my dear friend Lizzy (in white) and myself a few years ago. We were in Germany. We had Eurorail passes with a couple of other girls. We were all just 20, touring Europe, and having the time of our lives. Notice the way I am dressed. Notice the way Lizzy is dressed. I borrowed a long sleeve shirt from her and tied it around my waist, just like her. I also turned up my jeans, just the way Lizzy did. To give myself some credit, it was sometimes cold and having a long sleeve shirt to throw on at all times was nice, but this was not my style. I was only dressed like this because I desperately wanted to be Lizzy. I adore Lizzy. I always have. But learning that I don't have to be Lizzy, well that has been a different matter altogether.

Continue reading.

Guest Blogger: Confident, beautiful, strong mama

I'm so excited to introduce you to the wonderful Jenarcissist from The Closet Narcissist. She has graciously agreed to write something for my readers today. I hope you enjoy this post, and take the time to check out The Closet Narcissist, you'll be glad you did.


Hi there, LITM readers. My name (okay, my online alter-ego, emphasis on the "ego" *wink*) is Jenarcissist. I'm one-half of the duo that runs the closet narcissist, a blog, online shop, and web site based all around celebrating self-love and building confidence - and having fun doing it. I was so excited when Melanee approached me to swap guest posts with her. We've been following each other's blogs for a while now, and I always get something special out of reading her posts. Her journey towards her own self-acceptance is so inspiring because she's so raw and personal. It's literally exhilarating to me seeing where she was before and where she is now.

So today's the day when I make a rather big announcement on our blog that I am with child. :) That's right, I am 11 weeks pregnant! I've been waiting on this my whole entire life. Because I've always wanted to be a mom so bad and have always thought there is no more beautiful and radiant woman than a pregnant one, I always assumed pregnancy would be blissful. I had this idealized vision of loving my ever-expanding body while I happily awaited my bundle of joy, totally care-free. I was going to sail through pregnancy with a constant glow and never feel big, only pregnant. What a dolt I was! ;) I thought this guest post would be a good opportunity to talk about my adjusting to this new body and new life.

As excited as I am between bouts of puking, pregnancy has brought about a lot of unexpected things for me. I never in a million years expected to have any sort of body image issues when I was pregnant, but I've struggled with some (and may yet as my hormones keep surging). My relationship with food has changed from enjoying the sheer pleasure of food to feeling like it's a chore because my little one is very demanding and wants me to eat all the time and doesn't care if I'm sick or not. I smell things that I know are not real, which is really bizarre (rubbing alcohol, stinky feet, and blood to be exact...great for an already queasy tummy, right?!). I'm facing an exhaustion unlike anything I have ever known; it's like I'm drugged all day and night. I went from a gal who usually wore makeup daily for the sheer love of it and actually gave a crap about my appearance to someone who's just lucky to roll out of bed. I don't know how, but I didn't know pregnancy was THIS uncomfortable! I was completely unprepared for all the changes to my body and emotions.

To all those women who say they didn't start showing til 4 or 5 months, I hate you all!! No, I'm only kidding, of course. :) But I had always heard you didn't really start showing for a quite a while, so imagine my surprise when my belly noticeably popped out at about 6 weeks, a mere week-and-a-half after we found out the good news. Looking at the picture compared to now, I’m like, that’s what I considered "popping out"?! But at the time, it seemed so sudden and strange. I thought I'd be able to wear regular clothes for a while, but even that early, jeans or anything other than something elastic-waisted were out of the question. Nothing felt comfortable. I was extremely bloated, which made me feel bigger than I actually was. When I'd say I felt as big as a house, people would look at me like I was crazy, but it was the feeling inside. Add the fact that I was hiding it from my job until I had my first appointment, and I felt even more self-conscious about my growing bod. I just didn't want people to know yet, and I was worried that my sudden wardrobe change and all my weird pregnancy behaviors were going to give me away before I felt ready to divulge. And one more piece to the pie. I've never had an eating disorder and have a pretty good body-image now (that wasn't always the case). However, a few years ago, I was about 30 pounds heavier than allowed me to feel good health-wise, so I'm guessing at my peak, I'll be back up to that same weight in pregnancy or higher. In a way, that was a discomforting thought because I was scared to go back to how I FELT at that weight (regardless of how I look)...and at the same time, it's comforting because I have been that weight before and know what it's like – although being pregnant is still an entirely different feeling. I had finally gotten to a point where I really was happy with all of me, inside and out. And then I got pregnant! haha 

I had to learn early on that people's tact goes out the window when you're pregnant. People feel free to say whatever they want (particularly about your weight, as well as all their advice), and even when they don't mean anything by it, it can be upsetting when you're exhausted and your hormones are in complete control of you because it's harder to let things roll off. At 6 or 7 weeks, I was already being told that I'm showing too early, getting bigger very quickly, my hips were getting wider, I must be further along than I think, maybe I'm having twins, that’s gonna be a big baby, etc. I know the people behind these comments didn't mean anything by it at all; they're as excited as I am about this baby. But I guess the comments just hit me during the wrong week when I was already extremely emotional and vulnerable. I started wondering if they were right...what if I was gaining weight too quickly and setting myself up for an unhealthy pregnancy? I was worried about that much more than how I looked. (Hint for the next time you encounter a pregnant woman: just tell her she looks amazing and leave it at that, or else you may cause her to obsess unnecessarily!)

Then I decided to do a Google search for pictures of women who were the same amount of weeks along as I was that week...wow, was that liberating!! There were women with all shapes and sizes of bellies. Some of them, like me, already had the pooch. Some didn't. I suddenly realized what I already knew in my non-pregnant life: women of all shapes and sizes are beautiful. That sounds so cliche, but it's absolutely true, and it applies to pregnancy as well. Just seeing other women who were already showing made me feel tons better about my growing belly, as well as talking to a couple of friends who also showed so-called “early” when they were pregnant. I started seeing my body in a whole different light then. Despite the three pairs of pants I could comfortably wear that I was rapidly getting tired of, I started checking out my side view several times a day in the mirror and smiling every time. I had been taking belly pics already just because I knew I'd want them later, but then I started enjoying taking them! I think I'd like to make a flipbook from start to finish where it looks like my belly is getting bigger really fast. :) And after we "went public," I remember very vividly the first day my husband and I went out when I just let it all hang out, with no more need to hide behind a hoodie. MAN, it felt good!! I will never forget that outfit either. It was nothing special - just a cute, tunic-length tee with birds on it and some drawstring, cargo-length cotton pants - but I sure felt like a hot mama flaunting my baby!

A couple other things that helped me were these two blog posts (written by the same fantastic woman, Dr. Dana Udall-Weiner) about pregnancy, weight, fears, and body image:

http://www.nourishing-the-soul.com/2011/02/pregnancy-and-body-image/

http://bodyandbrood.com/2011/02/21/can-you-ever-be-ready-for-motherhood/

I related to her so much. Sometimes, we as women just need to feel validated, knowing that someone, somewhere out there has experienced what we have. And when we don't feel alone in our feelings anymore, suddenly they don't hold as much power over us!

Since that time, I've had my first appointment and was told I've gained the normal amount of weight thus far, I'm eating pretty well in spite of lots of nausea (though, hey, let's face it - sometimes if something sounds good, you just have to go with if you want to eat at all), and I exercise when I can handle it, so I'm not in the least concerned now. But I'm already trying to gear myself up for later on when people feel the need to comment even more as I get bigger and rounder; I know even strangers will want to comment. It also astounds me how people already just walk up and touch my belly without asking! If it's someone I'm close to, it's perfectly fine, but if not, it can feel rather invasive, like someone you don't know suddenly hugging you with no warning, but way more personal.

We won't know for a couple more months if we're having a boy or a girl. But what I do know is that all the work I have done on myself to get me where I am now was never really just for me. There was always the thought of my future child in the back of my mind, spurring me on to become whole within myself so that I could pass this down to my child. Whatever gender my child is, I am vowing to teach her as best I can to love herself just as she is. I know all too well what it's like to struggle with a poor self-image, and while I can't 100% prevent her from ever having any confidence issues, I can do my best to encourage her, never make her feel "less than," accept her as she is - no ifs, ands, or buts - so she can do the same, and inspire her to shine with all she's got. I think that's one of the most important gifts a parent can give to their children. Having a mom who is secure in herself inside and out can go a long way in helping a daughter in particular feel that way about her own self. And if she does have some issues, which she probably will at some point (after all, middle school happens to all of us!), I hope she'll be able to learn from my experiences and be empowered by them. 

Wow, today, I sure do sound like a confident mama...but I have plenty of bouts of sheer terror over trying to raise a little person into a well-rounded individual without screwing them up. :) My own mom passed away a few years ago, which has added plenty of other raw emotions on top of the normal ones. Since her death, I've come to realize just how much she struggled with her own body image and insecurities, yet she always tried so hard to make me feel good about myself. Something she told me has always stuck with me: "If you love your child enough, they'll forgive you just about anything." My mom was scared to death when I was born, and somehow she just learned as she went, and she was right...it's not her mistakes that stick out in my mind...it's her unconditional love and her efforts to help me feel that way about myself too. And that's how I know I'll be fine.

The power of a hot bath

While my baby was napping yesterday I began running my mind over my "to do" list. It was long. I had already slipped the cake in the oven and had a good 40 minutes before it would be done. The kitchen needed cleaned, but the bathrooms were already scrubbed and the laundry was going. While there was plenty I still could have done I decided to take a few minutes to soak in a warm bath while the cake was baking.

I stepped out of the tub with just enough time to throw on a robe and dash to the kitchen. The cake was done to perfection. As I was making my way back to the bedroom to get dressed I paused and looked in the mirror. My hair was disheveled in the pony tail that it was mostly falling out of. My face was clean. No make up. I was totally natural as they say. And I realized in that moment that I liked what I saw. Not only did I realize it, but I admitted it to myself. Looking in the mirror in that state I let myself enjoy the beauty that is me. Not because I'm perfect. Not because I had taken the time to get all fancied up. But just because I was me and that was enough.

What happened next surprised me a bit. As I acknowledged that I liked myself I felt this urgent need to take good care of what was there. Despite the fact that the smell of the most seductive chocolate cake I have ever made was pervading every corner of the house I was craving cherry tomatoes and a big glass of water. This made me smile. The girl with the sweet tooth didn't want sweets, even with the smell of chocolate on the air.

I went back into my bedroom and used one of my "fancy" lotions just because I felt like it, got dressed in some comfy clothes, turned on some relaxing music, poured myself a glass of cold water, and indulged in some delicious cherry tomatoes. It was only an hour that I spent pampering myself, but it was enough to energize me to finish decorating the cake and clean the kitchen.

The best part is, after taking a few minutes for myself I was a much better (and more patient) mother as the day went on. I was a kinder wife as well. Because I had taken a few minutes for myself I was able to take better care of the ones around me. I love this. 

Too often we feel that if we take time to take care of ourselves, let alone like ourselves, we will be selfish. Women are supposed to shoulder the burden of taking care of everyone around them selflessly. Or at least that is what we have come to subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) believe. What a shame. Some days we may not have an hour to spend on ourselves, but even 5 minutes of looking at what your needs are can make a difference. By caring for ourselves first we are better able to care for those around us.

The other thing I love about this story is how much I wanted to take care of myself as soon as I acknowledged that I liked myself. I knew I was special enough to wear my "fancy" lotion just because. Liking ourselves allows us to take better care of ourselves which in turn allows us to better care for our loved ones. So everybody wins. Eating intuitively is one of the best ways I have found to nurture and take care of myself, and to foster feelings of self-love. Yoga has also been instrumental for me in finding self-love. I have said before that learning this love is hard, but it is probably the most worthwhile thing you could do. I stand by that. And I think this story is evidence why.

Find what makes you feel amazing. Focus on that amazing feeling. Appreciate your body for how it makes you feel. And learn to love yourself. It can be done. Less than a year ago I proclaimed my hatred for my body. Today I feel the opposite. Oh there are still days and moments, but they are becoming fewer. The more I learn to love myself the more I am able to love others. Believe me, it is worth it.

Writer's Block

I've hit a bit of a writer's block the last few days. It's not that I'm out of ideas. I have tons of ideas that I wish to share with the world. It's that I'm distracted. I hurt my wrist yesterday and it is really hurting. I don't know what I did. I'm trying to decide if I should just suck it up, or see a doctor.

My special project that is a surprise is getting close to being ready (not finished, but ready). I've been consumed with plans and working on things to get it all the way there. I can't wait for the final product. It's turing out better than I had thought. I also can't wait to tell you all what I'm up to.

Last night I begged my husband to take us out to dinner. I didn't want to cook. We've been eating out a lot lately though. So I promised him that we wouldn't eat out for the entire month of April (except when family comes to visit at the end of the month since that was already planned). I need some yummy, easy, inexpensive dinner ideas. So my mind has been on that (any suggestions?).

Cormac has been cracking me up on a daily basis. My little boy is growing up and changing so quickly. With all the projects we have going on here sometimes Cormac has to play by himself. He's still in the room with me, I'm just not very involved. So I've been trying to make sure I spend some time each day with nothing else going on but time with Cormac.

And lastly, tonight we have a Relief Society dinner at church and I am making a cake for the event. My mind has been on cakes and decorating cakes. I'm not much of a cake decorator, so this has been intimidating. But exciting.

So today I'm going to refer you to the side bar where you can pick any of the links there to find a little body image inspiration. I'll do better tomorrow. In the meantime, any dinner ideas that you love? Or maybe you could give me some ideas to blog about as well. What would you like to read here?