Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Now What?

We are going to get personal for just a moment here. So, I began this blog in the hopes that it would inspire me to be a better person. I wanted to be kinder to myself. I wanted to accept myself and love my body. I wanted to learn ways to take better care of my body. I wanted to lose weight, but not actually care or have a "need" to lose weight. I wanted all of these lofty goals. But right now, at this very moment I don't care about any of that anymore, I want to be thin again. I'm sick and tired of being fat. I have been in denial about my situation for a long time. When I think of myself I still think of this:

Not this:

This second picture was taken just this last weekend. Granted I wasn't happy with myself when I was the former, but I wasn't "fat." I knew I wasn't. I wanted to be thinner, but I wasn't fat. Now I am.

A series of events have happened lately that have really made me miserable where I am at:

1. I had to go to the doctor. When I got on the scale I was shocked by the number. Much higher than where I thought I was.

2. The doctor told me I need to lose weight. Thanks for that.

3. I have been around a lot of people lately, many who have children. Most of these women have had multiple children and are thinner than I am. There are so many of these women who have had babies after I have had mine and they are also super thin. I know I shouldn't compare, but I do.

4. For whatever reason, being around family makes it harder for me to be fat. Maybe it's because they have known me my whole life and have known me before I was fat. I don't know, but it is so much harder to be around people who knew me before.

5. I have only 4 shirts that fit me. Only 3 are comfortable. I had to buy new clothes recently because I couldn't find anything to wear. I only had 1 shirt that fit. I have outgrown my maternity clothes. I was shocked at what size I had to buy.

6. I joined a gym. I had to. My doctor wants me to swim to help manage my pain. The only place with an indoor pool is the gym. Walking in there is awful. Oh the looks I get.

7. Thelma's recent guest post really got me thinking. She talked about a roommate that had always been beautiful and didn't know how to be anything else. I have to admit that even though I have always found fault, I have lived off of other people's praise of how I look. I am that person as well. I just didn't know it until now.

8. So I was already at my breaking point with all of this and then this weekend someone asked me if I was expecting again.

I hate my body right now. That is very, very wrong of me to say and I know it. It goes against everything I have tried to create on this blog and I'm sorry. But the sad reality is, I truly hate my body right now. I am ashamed of my appearance. I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I can't stand that I look like this. I don't even want to try to accept myself anymore. I want to lose weight by any means, preferably fast.

So there you have it. In case anyone out there thought I was perfect, which I doubt, I certainly am not. I had a few good posts where I was able to admit to myself that this was all my fault. I think that was progress, but beyond that I have just been trying to cover up how I truly feel. I give reason after reason why I should love myself where I am. I truly have tried. I know that I should accept myself, I do know that. But despite my reasons and despite wanting to, I don't. I don't like myself. And I don't know how to change that. I don't know where to go from here.


Thelma said...

You are far too hard on yourself!

You ARE beautiful. You always have been. You still are. Where should you go from here? (I love giving unsolicited advice.) I think you should go back to basics. Remember who you are. You are a daughter of God. That has nothing to do with what size shirt you buy. Also you are Ammon's wife. I may be a little prejudiced here but he is a stellar guy. And he adores you. That says truckloads about your worth right there. I mean, the kid has taste.

Also, you're Cormac's mom. He's possibly the cutest most expressive little boy on the planet and YOU ARE HIS MOTHER. YOU did that. You are amazing.

Be kind to yourself.

That's an order.

(I love you.)

Rustam Iralin said...

I have read your article and I quess I m the person who knew you before and you know what? You STILL look very beautiful and natural in all you are. I know that this might not help you much but you should first accpet this and start loving yourself. If you do not love yourself and your appearance, you will get depressed and that might cause more problems. I have gone through this. Yes, I was fat and I also hated my looks and wanted to escape. But then I thought that it was just not worth of whinning there and thinking how terrible I looked but worth of looking further and thinking about what I need to do to become satisfied with myself and my body.
Some good advice that helped me to be looking like I am now:
1. Do not eat anything after 6 or 7 PM. You can drink milk, water. Have some light fruit.
2. Exclude all sweets, especially candies and cakes.
3. Avoid drinking a juice. Any kind. They all have sugar. Unless you make it yourself out of the fruits.
4. Spend 40 min or 1hr for just walking... When you move your brain records that and muscles keep wroking after you went to bed at night.
5. Gym. Athletics, swimming. 3 times a week is more than enough to keep your body fit.

These all have helped me and now I do not worry about my weight because I know what I eat, when I eat and how much I eat. and I dance! ))
Put a great smile on your face and start loving every minute of becoming more beauitful.
Your eternal friend from Russia,

Rustam Iralin

Rachel said...

First of all, as someone else pointed out, you are a daughter of Heavenly Father. This gives you eternal worth. Your beauty is eternal and will never fade, it only grows brighter. Someday I'm sure you'll see this clearly in yourself. In the meantime I know everyone else can see it in you, not the least of all, your husband.
One point I have found helpful when I struggle dissatisfaction is that you can't go back to the past. If you are thinking about going back to another time or situation then remmeber that it has a built-in failure clause. Even if you can rearrange everything as much as possible the way it was, it will not be the past. Time marches on and so the only direction to go is forward. Embrace forward-it's your best (and only) bet. No matter what today feels like or yesterday had, tomorrow is another day, fresh and ready for you.

Stephanie said...

Hey babe, I was kind of where you are. After I had my first child my extra weight seemed to fall off gradually. It seemed so easy. Later on I found out I have a hyperthyroid. It causes my system to over work. I realize now that it is the reason my weight come off so easily. Now after my second child, it is not coming off. It made me really depressed and unhappy with myself. I have always been small and skinny as you were saying. I was and still am embarrassed to go around people I knew before. What makes it worse is when people say, "you look great." I hate that. I don't feel great. I finally had to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about that didn't involve food. It's hard, but my will to feel better out ways my will to eat. So far I have lost 7 pounds. It is definitely hard, but it is worth it. I know you can do it. I miss and love you. Call me any time.

Heidi said...

I just want to say amen to the other comments. I'm sorry that it's been such an awful week. It certainly never helps when someone, your doctor, points out the obvious.

I don't know if you ever saw the Mormon Message with Stephanie Nielson (Nie Nie). There's a quote she says, "I am Stephanie Nielson, and I am not my body". Her new body isn't different because of weight obviously, but burns. I think we can still relate because sometimes it's hard to recognize yourself when what you picture in your head is the 20 year old version of yourself and then you look in the mirror and see the newer version but you don't recognize it. Mel, you are so much more than your body. You are still absolutely beautiful and have a bazillion great, admirable qualities I wish I had. For one, you stay in touch with people really well! Rustam from Russia?!? Now that's impressive.

I know that doesn't make your clothes fit or make you like what you see in the mirror, but just know that you are way more than a size or a weight.

Teresa said...

Melanee -- you have great friends who truly love you and are trying to help you. But I just wanted to point out that if you are at the point where it seems that you just can't deal with anything anymore... such as get up, get dressed, fix meals for your family, etc., then you need to pursue professional help. It's nice that everyone tells you, "You can do it." But honestly, sometimes the chemicals aren't there in your brain to make you understand that what they are saying is true. I finally got professional help for extreme depression when I wrote down all my feelings, and my husband read them, and he said, "Honey, these feelings are just not normal." He made an appointment for me and dragged me out of bed to go to the doctor. I was kicking and screaming the whole way! Anti-depressants are an interesting kind of medication, because it takes a long time to figure out if they are working. And then often they need to be adjusted. I see my physician at least once every 3 months. The first medication we tried worked, luckily, but we have made adjustments to the amounts at various times depending on how I have been feeling. I keep very careful tabs on my feelings. I am now able to go to church without thinking everyone is staring at me and judging me. I am now able to talk to and spend time with my family (which I completely stopped doing for at least 3 months). I no longer feel anxious about little tiny things that really, in the big picture, don't matter much. I am no longer frequently sick or tired or having body pains (depression can cause this). I am able to hear my husband say how sexy and beautiful he thinks I am... and actually believe it! I am able to spend quality time with my children... laughing with them and loving them for who they are! You get the idea... my life is better in all aspects... physically, emotionally, spiritually. My family's life is better. My relationship with my husband is incredible! I'm over-weight; I know I am. But I love myself anyway. I'm not saying you are depressed, because I am not a professional. But a professional can tell you whether you are or not and can get you the help you might need. I know you've frequently been to the doctor for physical pains, but have you talked at all about your emotional feelings? Give it a try. I was surprised how much my doctor could help me. I thought I would need to see a psychiatrist or something. Anyway, I LOVE YOU, Melanee!

Jennifer said...

I love you and loved the chat we had this weekend. I love what everyone wrote to you and second all of it. You are such an amazing person and I'm glad you're in my life.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but I understand you. And I want you to know that I think you are prettier today than when you got married.