We are going to get personal for just a moment here. So, I began this blog in the hopes that it would inspire me to be a better person. I wanted to be kinder to myself. I wanted to accept myself and love my body. I wanted to learn ways to take better care of my body. I wanted to lose weight, but not actually care or have a "need" to lose weight. I wanted all of these lofty goals. But right now, at this very moment I don't care about any of that anymore, I want to be thin again. I'm sick and tired of being fat. I have been in denial about my situation for a long time. When I think of myself I still think of this:
This second picture was taken just this last weekend. Granted I wasn't happy with myself when I was the former, but I wasn't "fat." I knew I wasn't. I wanted to be thinner, but I wasn't fat. Now I am.
A series of events have happened lately that have really made me miserable where I am at:
1. I had to go to the doctor. When I got on the scale I was shocked by the number. Much higher than where I thought I was.
2. The doctor told me I need to lose weight. Thanks for that.
3. I have been around a lot of people lately, many who have children. Most of these women have had multiple children and are thinner than I am. There are so many of these women who have had babies after I have had mine and they are also super thin. I know I shouldn't compare, but I do.
4. For whatever reason, being around family makes it harder for me to be fat. Maybe it's because they have known me my whole life and have known me before I was fat. I don't know, but it is so much harder to be around people who knew me before.
5. I have only 4 shirts that fit me. Only 3 are comfortable. I had to buy new clothes recently because I couldn't find anything to wear. I only had 1 shirt that fit. I have outgrown my maternity clothes. I was shocked at what size I had to buy.
6. I joined a gym. I had to. My doctor wants me to swim to help manage my pain. The only place with an indoor pool is the gym. Walking in there is awful. Oh the looks I get.
7. Thelma's recent guest post really got me thinking. She talked about a roommate that had always been beautiful and didn't know how to be anything else. I have to admit that even though I have always found fault, I have lived off of other people's praise of how I look. I am that person as well. I just didn't know it until now.
8. So I was already at my breaking point with all of this and then this weekend someone asked me if I was expecting again.
I hate my body right now. That is very, very wrong of me to say and I know it. It goes against everything I have tried to create on this blog and I'm sorry. But the sad reality is, I truly hate my body right now. I am ashamed of my appearance. I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I can't stand that I look like this. I don't even want to try to accept myself anymore. I want to lose weight by any means, preferably fast.
So there you have it. In case anyone out there thought I was perfect, which I doubt, I certainly am not. I had a few good posts where I was able to admit to myself that this was all my fault. I think that was progress, but beyond that I have just been trying to cover up how I truly feel. I give reason after reason why I should love myself where I am. I truly have tried. I know that I should accept myself, I do know that. But despite my reasons and despite wanting to, I don't. I don't like myself. And I don't know how to change that. I don't know where to go from here.