Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Dreaming of Food on Day 6

Last night I had a dream that my family had come to town. They wanted to go to dinner and then to a movie. I knew that the restaurant would not have anything I could eat while on this diet. I went back and forth for what seemed like forever: should I just eat something there? Is this really making a difference? It was hard, but I decided that I would either miss the dinner or take something for myself and not order from the restaurant.

When I woke up this morning I felt so pleased with my subconscious. The last few days have been hard. I've been craving carbs and meat. I want anything super sweet. Getting to eat fruit helps a lot, but even so, I still walk through my pantry and want to reach out for a handful of Goldfish or an animal cracker. But I have been good. Other than occasionally forgetting to rinse and cook with filtered water and not always eating organic, I have been very good these last 6 days.

And I believe it is working. First of all, I'm sleeping so much better at night. It's heavenly. If only my baby would sleep through the night every night. Sleep is such a beautiful thing. You have no idea how beautiful until you are deprived of it. The fatigue is not yet gone, but today, for the first time, it seems to be easing up just a little.

Secondly, the numbness in my back is fading. I still don't have full sensation back there, but I'm getting close. I'm thankful for the feeling that is starting to come back. It may never fully recover, I don't know, but anything is good. At least we aren't going backward.

Thirdly, I'm losing weight. More importantly, I'm losing inches. It is thrilling to finally see the scale moving in the opposite direction than where it has been going.

Something that has been keeping me going is the idea that this is temporary. After reading Intuitive Eating I knew that if I tried to convince myself that I would never eat chocolate again I would never make it. Even today I know I can eat anything I want. I have chocolate in my house, I can eat it. There's nothing stopping me. Nothing but me.

I love knowing that this a choice and I can stop any time. And even though I know chocolate (or even a string cheese) would taste good, I don't want it. I just don't. I want to feel better.

I have been watching the scale climb the last year and feeling more and more helpless. As the pain began to increase as did my fatigue I didn't think I had the energy to make things better. I didn't think I could stop myself. I felt out of control. I've realized that even at the end of this diet if I find that nothing I'm eating is causing me pain or fatigue, it will still all be worth it. I have proven to myself that I can make healthy decisions. I have proven to myself that I can still take care of my body.

The better I treat my body, the more I love it. It may seem strange, but it's true. Ammon and I went out on a date last Friday (our neighbors were kind enough to watch our son). It is the first time we have been out in a long time. I got dressed up. I wanted it to feel special. At the movie theatre I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a long time.

Don't get me wrong, I look in the mirror every day, but I really, truly looked. I looked at the overall picture. And you know what? I felt pretty. Even with all my extra weight, I felt pretty. It almost brought tears to my eyes.

And then, the real break through, I acknowledged that I felt that way. I didn't even try to look for a single thing wrong. I didn't think to myself that I would look even better if. . . I did none of that. I just allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of being pretty.

I even told Ammon how I felt. I'm telling you now how I felt. It's amazing. Saying out loud that I thought I looked pretty is liberating. It gives me confidence. I don't think anything had changed much in my personal appearance (other than I wasn't wearing a ponytail), but my attitude is shifting. It's wonderful.

So, on day 6 I look back at how hard this week has been and I say it has been worth it. If nothing else, it has helped me to see that if I care enough to care for my body my attitude can change. And I do have the power to lose weight. The key is to not become obsessed with losing weight. The key is to be healthy. That's what I'm striving for.

Oh, and eat some pasta for me tonight will you? Enjoy every single bite.


Hi, I'm Hannah. said...

Loved this post! I love that your attitude towards yourself is shifting and you are feeling so much better Melanie! I'm rooting for you over here!

Sarah said...

this is wonderful! that attitude is a key thing to learn. you will get better at having it more often too. hooray!

Marshall said...

This post made me all sorts of happy :). Good job Melanee. You are awesome! Keep it up! So glad to hear you FEEL better!

Thelma said...

hurray for you!!!!

hurray for feeling better!!!!


Julie Wilson said...

I'm proud of you Melanee! If I can help with anything please let me know... Oh, I already helped by eating pasta for you. Love you!