Monday, September 20, 2010

11 Months Old

My baby just turned 11 months old. He is so much fun. I can't believe how much he's grown and changed in the last year. It has been crazy. My life is nothing like it was a year ago. All in good ways though. I am so blessed to have such a sweet little boy in my life.

But with this new milestone I have realized that I am having a hard time. In less than a month my little one will be a year old. I thought that by now I would be back in my pre-pregnancy clothes. I'm not. In fact, I have out grown many of my pregnancy clothes. It's heart breaking in many ways. Now don't get me wrong, my little guy was worth it. He is worth every pound, every stretch mark, and every bit of extra skin that I have. But I feel I have done both of us a disservice by not making more of an effort to take care of myself after he was born. I didn't have to gain back all of the weight I lost after I had him. But I did.

I have this horribly unhealthy relationship with food. I horde food. When I am not at my own house I eat enormous portions because I'm afraid I'll go hungry. I'm not entirely sure what prompted this considering I used to be the opposite about food consumption. Perhaps that's why. Perhaps my body and subconscious remember those years of semi-starvation and they are combating it. Maybe. I don't really know.

I do know that over eating is dangerous. Just like under eating. And I have been over eating for far too long. Since I have started this elimination diet I have noticed how often I wander aimlessly to the kitchen looking for something to munch on. I stop myself now, but I never used to. I didn't think I really ate that much during the day. I was wrong.

So as my son's first birthday approaches I am trying hard not to allow myself to despair the added weight. I have learned so much this year. Even though it has been difficult and the lessons have been hard won, I am grateful to be where I am. I am making changes, and I will lose weight at a healthy pace. I believe that. Now I just need to learn to not be so hard on myself and allow myself to remember that even though I'm not where I want to be I never would have learned what I have learned otherwise. And for that I am grateful to be where I am.

Diet update:
Today is day 4. The first two days were hard because it was all liquids. It's amazing how even if you are full you still feel like you need to eat something solid to make it a meal. Yesterday was nice to start eating solids again. I'm on only hypo-allergenic food. Mostly fresh fruits and veggies. Some grains. I cooked with seaweed for the first time yesterday. That was exciting and eye opening. And let me just say that life is not the same without butter. I'm feeling about the same. I've had a headache more frequently the last 4 days, but other than that not too bad. Today I feel sluggish and exhausted. Better go grab a nap while the baby is asleep. Only 24 more days to go.

1 comment:

Keep Your Sunny Side Up said...

Melanie, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I found that until I loved myself fat, I could not stay thin. That said, I gave up butter five years ago and I was a serious 2 pounds of week by myself butter eater and I cannot even stand the taste of it now let alone how it feels in my mouth! So, way to go!