Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I want

Last night I laid in my husband's arms and told him what I want and what I am hoping to get out of this whole journey/blog/goal. I said I want to go from a girl who was anorexic and somewhat bulimic, a girl with a horrible relationship with food and with her body, a girl who became a compulsive over eater to a girl who is healthy, a girl who loves her body for where it has been and what it is today, a girl who is more than her waistline. And even though that girl will have an occasional bad day and wish something were different, she is at peace with herself. She is whole. That's what I want. And I believe it is attainable. I can learn to love my image, even if it isn't an "ideal." I will love that image because it is me and it is enough.

I am more than a superficial being. I have a brain, a sense of humor, talents, interests, and skills. I have people who love me and people that I love. I live a fulfilling life. And I want to be healthy and happy so that I can enjoy all that I have been blessed with to the fullest. Ammon is my number one supporter. He is one of the main reasons I decided to stop criticizing myself and look for the good. To be honest, I still don't know how I ever enticed him to marry me. He is just so wonderful. So, I guess since I did catch him, he must see something in me. I want to see it too. He's also a great listener. It helps to spell out your goals to someone who cares.

So, there you have it. That's what I want. Is that too much to ask? Some may argue that it is, but I don't think so. I don't think we were put on Earth to go through life unhappy and finding fault, especially with ourselves. Life is too short to always look back or to always wish for the unattainable.

One of the best ways I have found to feel better about myself when I get down is to serve others. I know it may sound counterproductive, but it works. It's amazing. I think that this quote really sums up what I want and how I would like to answer to my Maker someday:

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. 
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. 
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children. 
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. 
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. 
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."
~Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Loving others helps us love ourselves. And though I'm not all the way there yet, I know that we can learn to love ourselves as we are, even if we occasionally wish that this or that were a little different. Go do a good deed today, you might be surprised how much you get out of it. Now, to the kitchen with me, I have dishes to do and then to the craft room to make a surprise for a friend.


Teresa said...

I love that quote from Sis. Hinckley, and I totally agree that serving others helps!

Sarah said...

this is true about service!

also, i learned that if i wanted people to look past what i looked like, to see all of me, i had to start doing that myself. just a thought.

you can do it!