Thursday, September 9, 2010

What I meant was...

I think this picture is funny. I think I make that face a lot, and Cormac always makes the face he's making.

It seems that once again I have alarmed my family. My mother has been getting calls from undisclosed family members asking after my well being. Unfortunately I don't get to see my mom all that often anymore, so she doesn't get to see me on a day to day basis. But my husband and I have had many discussions about if what I am feeling is normal and we both feel that it is.

I have to admit that I was a little discouraged by all this yesterday. I thought maybe I should be venting these things in a more private setting. I think it would make a lot of people I love more comfortable. And that is worth a lot. But as I was thinking about what I am trying to do here I realized that what makes this blog unique and what keeps you people coming back is the personal nature of it.

Pick up any book about a journey and you will find that the hero or heroine never makes it to their final destination with out road blocks, detours, and bad days. It just doesn't happen. And as I have said before, this blog is a documentation of my journey to self acceptance and overall health. I guess I have shown you all a few of my road blocks and detours of late. But if I didn't include those things in this blog it wouldn't be a true documentation and the honesty is what makes this blog special. I'm not trying to sell anything. I'm not trying to put myself up as a shinning example of what you all should achieve. I am human. And sometimes painfully aware of it. Like I was the other day.

And while we are on the subject of my break down, I would like to clarify something. I ended that post by saying, "I don't know where to go from here." I want to tell you what I was thinking. Right then I was thinking that perhaps I was wrong in trying to love myself where I am at. Perhaps it wasn't possible for me. I don't believe this today, but right then I did. I was concerned that perhaps I truly did just need to lose some weight in order to start loving myself.

What I have concluded since then is that I do need to love myself independent of my weight, but that it is crucial to be taking care of my body and to feel good about what I am doing to be healthy for me to feel happy with myself. So while the two are independent of one another, they are at the same time incredibly interdependent, if that makes sense.

Let me put it this way. It is hard to feel good about anything when your body is not properly nourished, has not had some healthy physical activity, and is not thoroughly rested. So how could you expect to feel good about yourself as a person when your body is not well? You can't. You must take care of both. Once your body is taken care of, even if it is a little on the heavy side or what have you, your mind is more clear and can be free to think. A clear mind will tell you that you are more than your outward appearance and you can then learn to love yourself. This is what I have been doing wrong. I was trying to just like myself. All the while I was feeling guilty that I was stuffing my face with goodies and not exercising.

So, this is the last time I will justify myself like this, I promise. I want to share all the nitty gritty details of my life in order to make this blog the truth about this journey. I don't want to preach. I want to share my life. And this is my life. The good days as well as the bad. From what you have all told me, this could be your life as well. So I don't think I'm as crazy as all that.

Besides, I told you I was dramatic didn't I?


Thelma said...

There's not a healthy woman around that hasn't HATED her body/self/personality/hair/life at some time or another. This I know.

Keep the nitty gritty coming.

(and cute pics of my nephew)

Clarissa said...

I think you are a beautiful and awesome, amazing aunt. I also agree with Thelma on everything she just wrote.