Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I'm Back

My husband's dear family. These people are some of my biggest supporters and I adore them all.

First of all, let me just say that I have amazing friends and family. Thank you all for your love and support. I am the luckiest girl alive. I appreciate all of you and your kindness. Next time I'm having a bad day I'll just post "Having a bad day. Need some love," and let you all work your magic. Before I get into this much further let me also say that I am a dramatic person. I always have been. You can ask any one of my family members. When I write that drama seeps in and can sometimes be heavier than I intended. I apologize.

Yesterday I wrote some pretty awful things about myself. I had been letting my negative feelings fester and build up inside of me. I confessed to you before that we have had a bit of bad luck over here and that I had been feeling blue. I just hadn't told you how blue. I was trying to cover it up in hopes that it would go away. I had been having a hard time for a few weeks. I let it build up. Then when I was asked if I was expecting again I just lost it.

Yesterday when I used the word "hate" I meant it. I truly did. Right in that moment I hated myself. A funny thing about me is that I do my best thinking when I write. The entire process: planning it out, writing it, checking for errors, and then thinking about what I have just written. For some reason this whole process is extremely enlightening for me.

Yesterday I read that "experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them: acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return." I honestly believe that's what happened to me.

Yesterday I hit rock bottom. I said mean, hurtful, and wrong things about myself that should never have been said. I meant them in that moment. When I wrote them I meant it.

But then after I wrote everything out I was able to step away from my feelings. And then I was able to look at what I just said from a distance. And then I read all the encouraging things that you wrote to me. And then I calmed down. And then I was able to make a break through and a change.

Today I am a new woman. I was frustrated with my situation, but that was yesterday. Today I have decided to take action. I have been feeling as though some miracle was going to help me change my life and my body. That's not the case. I took responsibility for my body being where it is. Now I am going to take responsibility to change it.

Today I am committed to eating right. No more junk food for three meals a day.

Today I am going to start working out regularly and rebuilding muscle that has been lost or damaged through the course of the years and the course of whatever is happening in my health.

Today I can honestly say that I do not hate myself. I appreciate my body for what it has gone through. I know that I have not always been kind to it. I know that I have not always been easy on it. I know that I am way too hard on it. I know all of these things. Thank you for reminding me. I am more than the number on the scale. I am more than all of that.

Today I am filled with love, hope, and energy.

I'm starting over from today.


Julia Harding said...

Thanks for being honest. I don't think we allow ourselves that opportunity often enough. I'm glad you've been blessed with so many wonderful family and friends to help support you. You've always been someone I admire. Love ya!

Sarah said...

whoa. i haven't checked on your blog for a little while. you did an awesome book giveaway! so glad. (if you ever see another post on my blog you'd like to steal, let me know and i'll send it.)

i definitely agree with giving a voice to those harsh feelings (and the good ones too). i know for a fact that it can help loosen their grip on you.

we should meet up and visit sometime. i'd love to catch up with you.

Camille said...

I love these back to back posts. I think I am the same way, just not as brave as you to share it with other people. I totally agree with you about writing out feelings and then walking away from them. I think it's a great way to acknowledge the feeling, really feel it, and then get over it :) Thanks for sharing.

LWinder said...

Melanee- You're awesome. Can I just say that I love this blog of yours and how open you are. I COMPLETELY understand these last two posts and feel like they could have been written by me. I gained TONS of weight with Bennett and then didn't lose it all. A little over a year after having him I was more than a little depressed about it. So, with the help of a group of friends I started training for a Triathlon. It's this Saturday and I'm only 2 lbs away from my "pre-Bennett" weight. I would've given up if I was on my own. So, what I'm trying to say is- find a workout buddy. It's been the best thing for me.