The Person I Am: Shaped by Pain

Originally posted November 23, 2011

It is 4:00 am. I want to be asleep. My body is physically worn out thanks to the demands of a busy day and the fact that I'm now 5 days away from my third trimester. But alas I cannot sleep. I finally got out of a restless bed to do something more productive, but relaxing. Writing is relaxing for me. My nights are getting a bit harder in general. It's not easy to get comfortable when you can't lay on your back or stomach and you have a basketball for a belly. A basketball that kicks. Tonight was different though. My shoulder is burning. I get this horrible, burning, aching pain in my shoulders and upper back. It's my body's way of letting me know I overdid it. I guess all the cleaning, baking, laundry, dishes, and toddler chasing from yesterday were a bit much. The pain is always the first thing to remind me that pushing myself too hard has consequences.

I shun pain as much as the rest of the world. I don't like to hurt. Not physically, mentally, or emotionally. Especially the later two. But in all reality, I am thankful for pain. I truly am. It may seem strange, but I can honestly say that without pain I wouldn't be the person I am today.

When I was young, probably about 7, I broke the blinds in my brother's room. When confronted about it I lied and said my sister did it. She denied it. We were both punished until the truth was found out. It was a very painful and horrible ordeal. I had disappointed my parents terribly. I hated disappointing my parents. It was painful for my sister, and I had caused that. I finally told the truth and was grounded for a week. I had to sit inside while my family was out raking and jumping in leaves. I love fall. Jumping in leaves was my favorite. But I learned. Lying is not acceptable. That experience shaped me.

There was the pain of losing 2 of my friends in the same year. That year happened to be when I was in 6th grade. Even though my grandfather had died when I was 8, this was really my first experience of loss and death. It shaped me.

From 4th to 6th grade I had very few, almost no friends. I was alone during most recesses. I sat and ate alone. I was teased. The few friends I had were mean to me. When I entered middle school I found true friends. Friends that valued and loved me. The way I pick and choose friends was shaped by that experience.

There were plenty of painful experiences in high school as well: abusive boyfriend, the beginning of an eating disorder, 9/11. Things that shaped me.

In college I developed fibromyalgia. Constant physical pain. That started me down a path to self-kindness. Oh this path took years (and I wouldn't say I'm "there" yet), but the pain started it all. I was running myself into the ground. I couldn't physically do everything I was trying to do. I started learning to pace myself, to say no, to set up boundaries, and to be kind to myself.

The pain of my disordered eating finally caught up to me as well. Resulting in this blog. It has changed the way I eat today. It has helped me to be healthier (in the end). It has shaped my attitude towards food and my body. No longer in a negative way. I got fed up with that. I was tired of the pain. So I made a change.

Then there was the day all the pain medications failed 3 times. I was in labor for 2 days. That was real, physical, intense pain. But now I watch as my beautiful little boy runs around the house and tells me to, "Mon" (come on) when he wants to show me something. Lots of physical pain to get him here. But now that he's here I have the most joy I've had my entire life.

So when I say, on this eve of Thanksgiving, that I'm thankful for pain I hope you can see why. I can't say that my burning shoulder is teaching me any profound lesson tonight (other than I should have taken more breaks yesterday), but I do know that some of the hardest fought and most precious lessons I have learned in this life have come as a result of pain. Letting ourselves feel our pain is a beautiful, difficult, sometimes horrifying, thing. But if we allow it to teach us it can shape our lives. We choose how to react to the pain and how to let it change us. The first step is feeling it.

*This post is part of November’s Self-Discovery, Word by Word series, hosted by Shannon over at Nourishing the Soul. If you want to participate check it out.

Finding yourself in serving others

Last week I wrote about the importance of making our own needs a priority in our lives. I do believe in the power of caring for ourselves, but I feel like this advice should come with a warning:

There is danger in thinking of only ourselves.

Happiness does not come from being self-absorbed. In fact, I would argue that we are happiest when we serve others. But service doesn't have to mean never taking time for ourselves. And conversely, taking care of ourselves doesn't mean there will be no time for caring for others. Perhaps this quote sums it up best:

"The best way to find yourself is to 

lose yourself in the service of others."

~ Mohandas Gandhi

Taking time to care for ourselves allows us the energy and motivation to serve others. However, it can be consuming. When you feel like you must always put your own needs first and become self-absorbed the good you were doing by taking care of yourself dissolves and unhappiness will be the result.

This is where listening to our bodies comes in. Perhaps today all you need is a quick shower, a healthy breakfast, and then someone to serve. Tomorrow you may need to stay in your pjs all day reading a good book. As you learn to trust your body you will know how much energy you have for service. But know that service is contagious. At first you may be resistant, that's normal, but as you learn to care for others you will find joy.

In my own life, as a teenager I spent a lot of time serving. I can honestly say that I was happiest when I was in a nursing home visiting with people, or weeding someone's lawn who was in need, or cleaning the house before my mom got home from a trip. Service doesn't need to take all your time, but I can promise that you truly will find yourself and find complete happiness when you care for those around you.

Image Source.

Happy Me

There has been some concern in my family lately that perhaps I'm not doing so great. I like to think it is because I appear to be such a well adjusted person that when I started this blog and bearing my soul people were shocked and amazed that I felt this way. But maybe that's not the case, who knows.

I would like to tell my family and the world that I'm doing just fine. Let me explain myself a bit. You see, I have never, ever had high self-esteem. Growing up I always thought I was rather homely. I felt like I was dumb. I was pretty sure that I lacked any and all talent. I was convinced that I was fat. Most of all, I felt that I was simply not good enough.

I've always had very high expectations for myself. No, that's not right. I've always had unattainable expectations for myself. That sounds better. High expectations are achievable, but a challenge. What I expected from myself was not achievable. So, when I failed to reach those unattainable goals I would beat myself up about it. I've done this my whole life.

During my Junior year of college I really did it to myself. I was taking 21 credits. I was working about 30 hours a week. I was working for one of the school literary journals. I was trying to eat healthy (but failing and beating myself up about that). I wanted to work out but struggled to find time. I was out of control. Then one night Ammon and I were in a car accident. It wasn't that big of a deal, but I did have some whiplash and some other pain. The truth is, I never really recovered. That was the straw that finally broke the camels back. Comparing oneself to a camel isn't really that attractive is it? At any rate, it was too much for me.

I started having aches and pains all the time. My already screwed up sleeping became worse. I was so, so tired. I just couldn't do everything anymore. I scaled back, but it killed me. I knew that I just needed some time to recover and I'd be back on my feet, but it got worse. I started seeing doctor after doctor after doctor. None of them knew what was wrong. I tried medication after medication after medication, nothing worked. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Most doctors and people in the world consider Fibro to be a dumping pot. It's what you get diagnosed with when they have no idea what you have. Some believe that, some believe it is an actual real condition. Either way, I live in pain.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not one who believes that I have been handed a lot that is unbearable. Oh no, I know for a fact that there are those out there who suffer so much more than I do. I am thankful that even with the pain that I carry with me each day, I know that I'm going to be okay. It's not life threatening. It's hard, some days more than others, but I know that it could be worse. Please don't think that I am one who believes that my life is just too much. I don't.

This is getting long so let me just say that things got pretty ugly for a while. I found that when I cut out refined sugar and white carbs I did a little better. I found that when I exercised regularly I did better. I found that when I did yoga I felt better. So, that was where I was at. But my idea was still that I had to get back to achieving (or attempting to achieve) my unattainable goals. I still constantly beat myself up. I would push so hard one day and be unable to function for the next 3. It was so so hard for me to accept that maybe things had to change. I was harder on myself than ever before.

I suppose it was around this time that I started doing some soul searching. I started realizing that something was screwed up in my way of thinking. When I started yoga I started to appreciate my body so much more. I was happier with myself. My husband will tell you that I finally stopped making snide comments about my body and even accepted a compliment now and again. I knew then that I had to change something.

Then pregnancy and weight gain and all of that happened. I hated being pregnant. I was so miserable. I knew it was worth it and there were moments of joy, but really I just felt gross. Then having Cormac about killed me, but we won't go into that. After my son was born we moved into this dump of a house a week later. The house was our dream come true in so many ways. But it was too much too soon. I couldn't handle the mess and the unpacking and the needy baby. I turned to food. I turned to sugar. I gained weight.

Having a child makes one think a lot about what they hope for that child. I knew that I never wanted my kids to suffer with low feelings of self-worth as I had always done. I put up a good front, but deep down I was never happy with myself. I want my children to have high expectations for themselves, but I want those to be attainable and realistic.

So, more soul searching. In order for my kids to be well adjusted they need to learn from their parents. In order for me to be healthy I need to have reasonable expectations. In order for me to be able to enjoy my children and life I need to be healthy. In order for all of these things to happen I need to learn to love myself as I am. I need to be able to tell myself that I am beautiful just as I am. But more than that, I need to believe it down to my very core. That is what I'm striving for here. That is what I want. I want to know and feel that I am worth it.

To all of my dear family and friends let me just tell you that I am doing well. I love life most days. I have bad days here and there, but who doesn't? I'm happy. I love being a mother. I love being a wife. I love my little family. I love my big family. I love my dumpy house. I love the beautiful sunshine we've been having. I love to work in my yard (even though I haven't been doing much of it lately). I love learning. I love trying to figure out new ways to help my family be happy and healthy. I love all my dear friends. I'm doing just fine. This blog. All this is is me thinking out loud. I hope that other people will look at this and realize that they are worth it too and that we have the power to change ourselves. Feeling trapped in a body that you don't like is a hopeless feeling. I've been there. It doesn't have to be that way. We can change our bodies to be healthy. We truly can. And you know, those things we can't change we can learn to be okay with. So I have stretch marks or what have you. Think of why you have those and the battles that you have won because of those things. That's what we need to learn to do.

So all of this is to say that I'm happy. I'm going to be just fine. And if you made it to the end of this I can honestly say you are a trooper.