The so called expert

I think I stopped blogging here for a few different reasons. One was that whole having a baby and a toddler thing. Busy. Another reason was that I was just tired of the constant debate about what was wrong with me: is it depression, does she need attention, etc. I'm fine. Really. I just like to write. I like to express my feelings through the things I put down in writing. And I think that body image is an incredibly important topic. One that many of us struggle with for many different reasons. Why do I have to have something wrong with me to want to write about it?

Another reason I stopped was that I felt I had been doing this long enough that I needed to be an expert. I guess I wanted to set myself up that way. Kindof a "been there, done that" sort of deal. But the truth is, I haven't "been there" I am there. I haven't "done that" I'm doing that. Right now. Have I made progress? Yes! Have I arrived? No, and now I begin to wonder if I ever will. Or maybe it's the journey that is important, not arriving. But I didn't feel comfortable blogging as an expert as soon as I tried to make that move. So I stopped blogging. But I missed it.

I didn't gain much weight with my last pregnancy. And honestly, I loved my pregnant body. I loved hearing people tell me I was beautiful. I thought I was too. Yes I was big. I carry very far forward. But I was creating life and it was beautiful. I took better care of myself this pregnancy. For some reason I didn't gain much weight. I convinced myself it would be easier to lose it. I started counting on losing that and all the other weight I was carrying from my first pregnancy. I thought it would be easier this time. And I began to feel like it was important to lose weight.

After Azure was born I did indeed lose the weight I gained with her quickly. In fact within a month it was all gone. But the weight from before, well, it's still hanging around 6 months after her birth. I started seeing all these other women and comparing. I started getting down on myself. "How can she be that thin after 4 kids, I've only had 2 and look at me." My internal dialogue lost any sense of being positive. And even though I fought the back slide, or at least outwardly said I was fighting it, inside I was losing. Inside I had once again bought into the lie that once I was thin I could love myself.

Then the feelings of guilt crept in. I'm a hypocrite. I preach to others that they should love themselves, meanwhile I just want to lose weight no matter what. I started looking at fad diets again. I started wondering about cutting out specific foods to lose weight. And in order to make myself feel like it'd be okay for me to do those things I claimed it was for my health. The pain in my back has been growing worse. Surely if I could lose some weight it would help.

Today it all became very clear. I had a rotten morning. I was mad at the world. I was grumpy with my children. I was disgusted with myself. And I suddenly realized how much I'd been obsessing over my weight. I realized how it was effecting everything from my happiness, to my abilities as a mother, to my relationship with my husband. Suddenly it became clear. I had fallen off the wagon and it was time to stop pretending like I know it all and to get back on.

And then I cried a little. I cried because I was frustrated that I had slid back so far. I cried because I was upset at myself for giving in. I cried because I am tired of the fight. And then I cried because I was so relieved to realize what was happening to me. I cried because I knew I had trodden this road before and it would be easier this time. And I cried because I suddenly realized that arriving may never happen, but that the journey is well worth the effort.

Then I picked myself up. Put together a fun craft for my toddler and me to do together. Cuddled my sweet baby. And told her again that she is beautiful and perfect just the way she is. And I told her that mommy would do better. I looked at my children and remembered that in order for them to learn to love themselves they have to see me loving myself first, and I realized that they are saving me. And I understand now how much we can help each other along this path.

Oh yes, and I remembered that I am indeed beautiful.

The Most Amazing Machine

Originally posted January 18, 2011

Everything is harder right now.

It's harder to sleep all night. But it's also harder to get up in the morning. It's harder to prepare meals and take care of my toddler. It's harder to walk and bend. It's harder to blog. It's harder to put together a logical sentence. Everything just seems hard. I'm less than 5 weeks from my due date and everything is harder. I have so many things I desperately want to get done before #2 arrives, but as you may have heard me mention lately, everything is harder. Things just don't get done like they used to. I struggle to motivate myself to do the dishes, let alone paint the baby's dresser.

This state of affairs has brought me to tears of frustration a time or two (hormones don't help). I am so tired, but I have so much I want to do. There have been days where I have been so exhausted I didn't get a thing done, but that fact frustrates me. I want to be productive before everything changes again.

One day as I was feeling very "woe is me" over this state of affairs I had the opportunity to teach yoga that evening. So after an only somewhat productive day I taught a bunch of 14 to 15 year old girls yoga. They loved the class (which was really good for my pregnant self-esteem). They all gasped when I did a head stand. They all marveled that I can still do a push up. And they all got something positive out of the class for themselves. Or at least they told me they did.

That night as I was thinking about my situation I realized something: I need to chill. This body of mine is creating life! My body is working around the clock to grow another human being. And on top of that I take care of a toddler all day. So really, even on my days that I feel less than productive, things aren't really all that bad. I mean, my son gets fed and gets love. My baby is still growing and moving. Things are okay.

Then I started to ponder on the miracle the human body is. Not just a human body that happens to be growing someone else at the moment, although that is miraculous, but the human body in general. Think about it. Every moment your body is sustaining life. Your heart beats and pumps your blood. Your digestive system nourishes your body. Your nerves keep you from burning your hand on the stove. And you did nothing to make this happen.

When my son is starting to get sick he doesn't eat as well (not that he's a great eater generally, but it gets worse when he's coming down with something). He is generally not showing any other signs yet. But within a day or so he usually develops other symptoms that let me know he's sick. Isn't it amazing that his appetite automatically adjusts? His body has to deal with other things, like getting him healthy. So it shifts into that mode automatically.

Our bodies want us to be healthy and well. They work around the clock to keep us that way. Since having this revelation I have been trying to listen more carefully to my body. This usually means more breaks during the middle of a project than I had wanted to take, but it also means less pain at night from working too hard. I have been feeling a deeper appreciation for all that my body does. It really is an amazing thing. I mean, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and I can indeed do a push up (not that I really want to). But more than that, while all this development goes on inside me my body is also keeping me healthy and strong. My body is also allowing me to take care of my family even if we do have waffles for dinner far more often than we should. This body is amazing.

Yours is too. Even when things aren't going exactly how you want with your body. Even then your body is amazing. The only thing your body wants for you is health. So maybe we should try to remember that next time we are down with the flu. No it's not fun, but your body will be the one fighting the hardest to right things. Give your body credit for all the amazing things it DOES do. And maybe try a little more kindness towards it. It works around the clock for you after all.

The Intuitive Eating Roller Coaster

Originally posted December 28, 2011

It was back in August of 2010 that I was first introduced to Intuitive Eating. I borrowed the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch from a friend. My friend had changed her life using intuitive eating. She had given up on dieting. She had changed her attitude toward her body. She no longer saw her body as an enemy. She was content, happy, and beautiful. I wanted to be just like her.

When I go back and read the post I wrote about that time I realize now how little I understood intuitive eating. I had it in my mind that it was really simple. All you had to do was listen to your body. Eat when you were hungry. Stop when you were full. Only eat things that made your body feel amazing. Simple.

Except that I've been trying to do it for the past 17 months and am still not really there. I know that if I eat anything white and refined I will get a headache and feel terrible. I know this. I know that my body doesn't like it. And yet there are days where I look at those foods and say to myself, "Yes, it will make me feel sick. Oh well."

I have more of an understanding now though. You see, intuitive eating isn't easy when you've lived a life of denying yourself foods. It isn't easy when you've used food to cover up anything and everything you were feeling emotionally. It isn't easy when you've used food for comfort or rewards. For most of us, we have abused food. Learning to let go of that isn't easy.

It takes time to learn to trust yourself and your body again. I think this was a key understanding that I was missing. I thought that since I had made the decision to never diet again I would be off and running, but it hasn't been that simple. First I have had to really truly convince myself that there are no off limit foods. That process has been interesting. It sometimes takes a very scary turn when I start using it as an excuse to binge. It takes time to learn that balance and to learn trust.

But lately what I am discovering is much more profound. I didn't realize how much food was intwined with every aspect of my life. I have used food to mask emotion, cure boredom, and to bond with friends. I have used food for nearly everything except to nourish my body. I had assumed that when I started listening to my body I would automatically just use food for it's proper use. But it isn't that simple.

You may have noticed my lack of blogging lately. I've been taking the time to sort through things. I've been sorting through the clutter in my home. My poor basement and office were in desperate need of attention. I've taken time to process being a mother of two. That change will be here in just two short months. I've taken the time to enjoy being in the moment now. I've been trying to enjoy every moment of having an only child. I never would have thought the clutter in my home could effect my eating, but it certainly has.

Learning to eat intuitively is a wonderful goal, but what I now understand is that it comes hand in hand with learning to live intuitively. It is difficult to honor our body and mind in one area (like eating) when we are out of order in another area (like in our finances).

Looking back on what I thought about intuitive eating when I first learned the concept I'm glad I thought it would be easy, or I maybe wouldn't have tried it out. But 17 months into this journey I'm glad it hasn't been too easy. I've learned more about myself then I ever would have had it been the "magic bullet" I had imagined.

So if you've thought about trying intuitive eating, or if you are trying it and find yourself on a roller coaster know that this is normal. It's okay. It's all part of the journey. Even though it can be difficult I believe it is worth it. I haven't been this content in my own skin since I was a very young child. And though I think I have a long way to go it's nice to feel liberated.

The Person I Am: Shaped by Pain

Originally posted November 23, 2011

It is 4:00 am. I want to be asleep. My body is physically worn out thanks to the demands of a busy day and the fact that I'm now 5 days away from my third trimester. But alas I cannot sleep. I finally got out of a restless bed to do something more productive, but relaxing. Writing is relaxing for me. My nights are getting a bit harder in general. It's not easy to get comfortable when you can't lay on your back or stomach and you have a basketball for a belly. A basketball that kicks. Tonight was different though. My shoulder is burning. I get this horrible, burning, aching pain in my shoulders and upper back. It's my body's way of letting me know I overdid it. I guess all the cleaning, baking, laundry, dishes, and toddler chasing from yesterday were a bit much. The pain is always the first thing to remind me that pushing myself too hard has consequences.

I shun pain as much as the rest of the world. I don't like to hurt. Not physically, mentally, or emotionally. Especially the later two. But in all reality, I am thankful for pain. I truly am. It may seem strange, but I can honestly say that without pain I wouldn't be the person I am today.

When I was young, probably about 7, I broke the blinds in my brother's room. When confronted about it I lied and said my sister did it. She denied it. We were both punished until the truth was found out. It was a very painful and horrible ordeal. I had disappointed my parents terribly. I hated disappointing my parents. It was painful for my sister, and I had caused that. I finally told the truth and was grounded for a week. I had to sit inside while my family was out raking and jumping in leaves. I love fall. Jumping in leaves was my favorite. But I learned. Lying is not acceptable. That experience shaped me.

There was the pain of losing 2 of my friends in the same year. That year happened to be when I was in 6th grade. Even though my grandfather had died when I was 8, this was really my first experience of loss and death. It shaped me.

From 4th to 6th grade I had very few, almost no friends. I was alone during most recesses. I sat and ate alone. I was teased. The few friends I had were mean to me. When I entered middle school I found true friends. Friends that valued and loved me. The way I pick and choose friends was shaped by that experience.

There were plenty of painful experiences in high school as well: abusive boyfriend, the beginning of an eating disorder, 9/11. Things that shaped me.

In college I developed fibromyalgia. Constant physical pain. That started me down a path to self-kindness. Oh this path took years (and I wouldn't say I'm "there" yet), but the pain started it all. I was running myself into the ground. I couldn't physically do everything I was trying to do. I started learning to pace myself, to say no, to set up boundaries, and to be kind to myself.

The pain of my disordered eating finally caught up to me as well. Resulting in this blog. It has changed the way I eat today. It has helped me to be healthier (in the end). It has shaped my attitude towards food and my body. No longer in a negative way. I got fed up with that. I was tired of the pain. So I made a change.

Then there was the day all the pain medications failed 3 times. I was in labor for 2 days. That was real, physical, intense pain. But now I watch as my beautiful little boy runs around the house and tells me to, "Mon" (come on) when he wants to show me something. Lots of physical pain to get him here. But now that he's here I have the most joy I've had my entire life.

So when I say, on this eve of Thanksgiving, that I'm thankful for pain I hope you can see why. I can't say that my burning shoulder is teaching me any profound lesson tonight (other than I should have taken more breaks yesterday), but I do know that some of the hardest fought and most precious lessons I have learned in this life have come as a result of pain. Letting ourselves feel our pain is a beautiful, difficult, sometimes horrifying, thing. But if we allow it to teach us it can shape our lives. We choose how to react to the pain and how to let it change us. The first step is feeling it.

*This post is part of November’s Self-Discovery, Word by Word series, hosted by Shannon over at Nourishing the Soul. If you want to participate check it out.

The Challenge with Avoiding Fat Talk

Originally posted October 18, 2011

I know, two posts in a row. What is going on? I don't know either. The creative juices are flowing again or something. Anyway, I wanted to talk briefly about avoiding Fat Talk because, let's face it, it's not always as easy as we would like. Let's paint a picture:

You have decided to stop fat talking. You know that it creates negative energy in your life. It damages the way the children around you see themselves. You no longer want it. It's been two days and you are doing great. Then you go out for lunch with your girl friends. The menus come out and guess where the talk goes? Straight to calories, diets, and other talk concerning weight. Inevitably someone says something negative and the whole group joins in. What do you do? Do you join in? If you don't you're weird. You don't want to insult your friends, but you also want no part of this talk. How do you deal with this situation?

Well, I don' t have all the answers. In fact I have very few answers, but I do have a little life experience here. I thought since this week is the week to stop fat talk that it would be a good place to let you all in on a few techniques that have worked for me.

1. Avoid the subject at all costs. This is easier in small groups, but whenever possible I just steer the conversation away from anything having to do with body bashing and fat talk. If I think the conversation is heading in that direction I generally try to insert some comments on living a healthier lifestyle. Sometimes that means talking about yummy food that is healthy and amazing. Sometimes that means telling people why I don't engage in fat talk anymore. I find that many people are receptive to the idea of talking about better health, and if you are careful it can be a very loving conversation without the bashing.

2. Get your friends on board with you. This doesn't always work. It is important not to interrupt a body bashing session to preach about how good you are to never do it again. That just doesn't come off well in my experience. Rather, when the moment is correct I tell people about what I have researched and now believe. I try to be kind and loving to all view points. A large number of people I love are currently on a diet that I do not agree with. It's not something I would do, and I have expressed as much. But it has not stopped us from sharing. They are comfortable telling me about their diet, and I am comfortable telling them my feelings toward food and body image. It is all done out of love. We all approach health differently. Our choices concerning health are incredibly personal. They come through much experience, research, doctors' opinions, and other such life circumstances. Even if we think we are right we should be wary of telling others they are wrong. Share your opinions in love and leave it at that. Those you like what you say will join in. Others won't. Those who don't will generally respect your perspective in the future. Thus the fat talk can stop.

3. Change the subject. Have you ever picked up a friend and had her tell you how such and such makes her look fat? The natural response is to soothe her feelings by telling her that she looks great compared to you. Right? I know many of us have been there. Rather than putting yourself down to elevate your friend tell her she looks amazing and move on. If she persists in feeling down about whatever it is point out all of her great qualities making sure to include things that are both visible on the outside and those that aren't. She'll get the pick-me-up she needs, and you can keep your own integrity.

4. Don't participate or put a positive spin on it. There have been times where I have found that I have no power to change the subject, interject a contrary opinion, or otherwise influence the drift of the conversation. In those cases I generally just sit quietly until the conversation moves on to something I can get behind. It's not my favorite, but sometimes there is just no other way. If asked for an opinion I usually put in a little comment about how I feel that negative thoughts do not create positive change and then shut up again. It's my mini protest.

Now don't get me wrong, my record is certainly not 100% since I have started to avoid fat talk. There have been plenty of slip ups. There have been days I just didn't care and wanted to be negative. There have been days that I just wasn't really thinking and got sucked into the talk. It happens to all of us. But the key is to move on and forgive. When I realize I have been negative I notice how it makes me feel worse. Then I forgive myself for my weakness and commit to try harder in the future. Getting down on yourself is maybe the worst thing you can do in your quest to become Fat Talk Free. Take it one day at a time, and remember the key is to be loving to yourself and others.

What are other things that have worked for you? How do you avoid fat talk?

Trust in your amazing strength

Originally posted November 8, 2011

Trust means I have faith in my ability to survive and thrive.

I've been reading "A Year of Living Your Yoga" by Dr. Judith Hanson Lasater. I recommend it. On August 8th I read the above quote followed by this:

"Living Your Yoga: We want to trust others, but we are afraid they will let us down. Today instead of focusing on trusting others, remember that there is something bigger; trust your ability to be okay even if things are not okay."

I can't get this idea out of my head. I'm in love with it. I suppose at this point I haven't much left to hide on this blog, so I'll tell you honestly that I sometimes struggle with fear of the future, of heartache, and of the unknown. I know it isn't really rational, but I often stress that something horrible is around the corner. I worry about losing my husband in a horrible accident or to sickness. I worry about watching Cormac suffer. I worry about my new little one and having something horrible happen during pregnancy or birth.

There are a lot of wonderful people in my life who have had to deal with horrible heartbreaks. I look at what they have gone through and marvel at how strong they are. I wonder if I'd be able to come out on top the way they seem to have.

Now don't worry, I have never gotten to where this fear has crippled me from doing the things I want to do, but it is still a negative drain on my energy. And I know that there are those out there who are ruled by fears. With that in mind, think about this quote a minute. What a beautiful idea: "trust your ability to be okay even if things are not okay."

The human mind and body is incredibly resilient. No doubt you've dealt with pain and heartache already in your life, and while it may not have been as extreme as losing a loved one it was likely a challenge nonetheless. You adjusted. You made sacrifices and changes, but you made it through. And things were okay. Even in the less than fantastic circumstances.

So I've been trying to change my attitude. Instead of thinking about how on earth will I survive if the worst should happen, I've been working on trusting that I will be okay if that does happen. I'm a strong, confident, resilient woman. And while I hope to coast through life will all my loved ones in great health and no heartache, the truth is, that just isn't very likely. But it's okay because I'll be okay. I have my faith, my family, my friends, and my own stores of strength to pull from.

And you? Do you have resources to help you through a crisis? Do you trust yourself?

The different faces of health

Originally posted June 28, 2011

 I have been ruminating over the fact that "health" looks different on every person. Just like no two people look the same, no two healthy lifestyles look the same. Sometimes we get caught up in the idea that the healthy way we live is the healthy way everyone should live, but this isn't necessarily the case.

Take for example napping during the day. There are some who simply function better with a nap. Pregnant women, for example, often need that extra sleep to keep them going. This is not to say that it is lazy or unhealthy in these people. No, they just need a nap. But in someone else needing a nap to get through the day could be a sign of serious illness or depression.

One of the best examples I can think of is water intake. While I think it is true that most of us (me included) do not drink nearly enough water (not diet soda folks, water) I do not think that the recommended 8 glasses of 8 oz is necessarily true for everyone. There are some individuals who probably don't need as much. And I know for a fact that some people need much more (especially those working outside in the hot summer sun).

There is really no "one size fits all" when it comes to everything about health. A vegetarian or vegan lifestyle might be incredibly healthy for some, but others might be using that lifestyle as a form of restriction fueling an eating disorder they have yet to address.  We are often quick to judge when someone does something we disagree with, but who's to say that for that individual eating meat isn't exactly what their body needs in order to thrive? Oh I agree there are things that are clearly unhealthy and things that are clearly more healthy than others. But on a large scale perspective do we really have a right to judge the health of another person because they choose differently than we do in a few areas?

Size is the biggest debate for most when it comes to health. We see a curvy woman and assume that she never exercises, eats potato chips, drinks soda, and has simply given up trying to be healthy. But this is an unfair judgement. Sure there are folks out there that fit this description, but there are a lot of skinny people who could also be categorized as such. No, there are many fantastic curvy people who are leaps and bounds above some of their thinner peers on the health scale.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that our health is entirely personal. No one should tell us what is and isn't best for our bodies. Doctors can make suggestions. We can read the books on good nutrition. We can learn how to move our bodies to exercise that we enjoy from a teacher or instructor. But none of these resources (who are likely just trying to help) live in your body. None of them knows that after running or doing heavy cardio you get migraines and can't see straight for the rest of the day. None of them gets that you aren't being lazy by taking a nap; your body just requires more rest than the average person. You are the only one that knows what feels good and what doesn't.

It's time to stop looking around to figure out what is healthy. It's time to start turning inward and asking your body what it wants and needs. Trust me, it knows. With a little practice you'll be able to figure it out, and your life will be more full and much more healthy because of it.

When Family Just Doesn't Understand

Originally posted June 27, 2011

Today we are privileged to hear from the talented and wonderful Dr. Ashley Solomon. She is the mastermind behind Nourishing the Soul. I have really enjoyed reading her thoughts and my association with her since starting this blog. Dr. Solomon is a therapist who specializes in treating eating disorders, body image, trauma, and serious mental disorder. And without further ado here are her thoughts for us today. Enjoy!

The daughter lifts her gaze and with eyes swollen from tears looks at her mother, having just revealed her year-long struggle with her eating disorder. The mother, rocked inside, but in a controlled and loving way, wraps her arms around the one who will always be her little girl. She murmurs gently that she will help in any way she can.

Music rises and lights fade. Made-for-television special goes to commercial.

As most of who live in a world outside of one constructed in Hollywood know, sharing our deepest secrets and enlisting the support of others doesn’t always come quite so easy. And when we’re talking about parents… well, things can be downright painful.

It’s often said that first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well, the second step is seeking support outside of yourself. Whether we’re struggling with depression, stress, addiction, a trauma, or eating issues, we need the support of others to help facilitate our journey to a more healthy life. The fact is, not only do we not need to go it alone, but we shouldn’t.

The importance of social support in recovery is well-established both by research and anecdotally. Various studies show that being bolstered through the tough times can speed up recovery from a host of illnesses. In fact, researchers in one study found that patients who had experienced a heart attack who received high levels of support from family and friends had less chest pain, a better quality of life, better mental and physical functioning, and fewer symptoms of depression compared with those who received little support.

When it comes to mental and emotional difficulties, however, garnering support can at times be difficult. Unfortunately, while our culture is moving slowly to a more comprehensive understanding of mental illness, stigma remains (despite the fact that over 44 million people experience a mental disorder each year in the U.S.).

When parents learn that their child – even their adult child – has a problem, they can sometimes react with hostility and defensiveness rather than the compassion that we would hope to see from them. While this can be incredibly painful to experience first-hand, it can sometimes be helpful to put these reactions in context.

For centuries, parents, and especially mothers, have been put at the center of the ring of blame for their child’s maladies. Despite a wealth of evidence indicating that mothers do not cause eating disorders, for example, stereotypes hold fast that leave many mothers feeling that their child’s life-threatening condition was caused by their short-comings. Because this is too difficult – unbearable even – to believe, some parents react with defensiveness and anger. It’s a way of protecting themselves from the enormity of the pain.

Regardless of the reasons, however, it can be devastating to not have one’s family on board when one is ready to tackle the issues and make major life changes. It can be extraordinarily helpful to participate in family therapy with an experienced clinician who, from his or her safe and objective seat, can help creatively bring a family to a shared understanding.

Unfortunately, some families will simply never be able to to be there in the way that we might hope. In those cases, it’s vital that we recruit additional support, while also grieving the fact that we may not have the families we’ve always wanted.

Finding support may mean taking an uncomfortable step and making ourselves vulnerable to allowing others in. It may also mean being open to support from unexpected places, such as coworkers, members of your spiritual community, neighbors, and even online. It may involve finding a mentor. It’s important to remember that just because we may not be blessed with families who understand us doesn’t mean that we are left to be misunderstood.

Forever Fabulous

Originally published June 24, 2011

I bought a new shirt this week. I loved the way it made me feel in the dressing room. I love the style of the shirt. I love the material. As I stood there in the dressing room I felt cute. Maybe even a little sleek. In a word I felt fabulous. I bought it.

Later I was wearing this same shirt and caught a glimpse of myself in some full length doors, and it happened. I had a bit of a panic when I saw that maybe this shirt wasn't the most flattering for my specific body type. A little self-doubt crept in. Maybe I had no business wearing such a shirt.

As I thought about it later I decided that I was being ridiculous. Didn't the shirt make me feel fabulous? Then if I felt fabulous in the shirt I must be fabulous. Think about it. If you see someone wearing something that obviously makes them feel good don't you think they exude confidence? I think they do. They do, indeed, look amazing. Their self-confidence is evident, and beautiful.

We do this a lot. At least I do. I can wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and think, "not bad," or even, "looking good." But then instead of  letting myself feel fantastic I go jump on my scale. What could have been a wonderful day where I felt great about myself gets destroyed by my needing some outside validation. And here's the thing, the numbers on the scale are actually getting smaller, but it is very slow and sustained (you know, the healthy way to lose weight), but because the scale doesn't show a significant drop off I start to feel down. And frankly it can be triggering for me. As soon as I step on the scale I start wondering if I should indeed go on another diet. Maybe the newest fad would work for me. Or maybe I should start working out long hours during the day.

By the end of the day I have usually talked myself out of these things with the realization that I am so much happier when I eat intuitively. I feel good about myself when I move my body in ways that I enjoy; rather than punishing myself on a treadmill. No, it's not worth it. But I sometimes waste a whole day reminding myself.

So I have made a decision (I think). I think it's time to throw the scale out. I mean all the way out. I want to do it. But I'm still a little chicken. Then I remember that the next time my husband pays me a compliment I want to just feel great for the day. I don't want to use it as an excuse to step on the scale just to see if what he says is reflected in numbers. Yes, I think it's time for the scale to go. And I think it's time for me to only wear what makes me feel great as opposed to what I'm "supposed" to wear for my body type. Because there is no reason I can't feel fabulous every single day. You on board?

The ins and outs

Originally posted June 23, 2011

Did you know that before I was about 13 I had never heard of the "internet." And I wasn't an anomaly, you see, there was no internet. I have had this great tool only a little over half my life. There was a time when I even hand-wrote papers for school. Granted I was in elementary so how hard could the papers be, but friends, I didn't learn to type until I hit the 7th grade. I had no need for it before that.

In the last week my internet has been out twice for nearly a day each time. The first time I was ready to throw my computer out the window I was so frustrated. I can't get on the internet? How is this possible? What am I going to do? Okay, maybe not throw out the computer, but I was frustrated.

Last night and this morning it was out again. What's a gal to do when she happens to have insomnia one night? No internet. I suppose I could have worked on my brochures for the yoga business, but it was 3 in the morning. I was more in the mood for writing a blog post or aimlessly wandering around looking for blogs I could get into. Ya know?

Ah how quickly we become dependent on things that we used to do just fine without. Blows my mind a little. It's kind of like how we start to use food or other such things as coping mechanisms. Which is something we never needed to do when we were young. Or maybe how we suddenly feel we must have make-up on in order to be seen by anyone. There was a time in each of our lives when we could function without those crutches. I think we often forget that we were born with all the tools we need to succeed and live a happy, healthy life.

Food for thought. Now I think I'll go get out the kiddie pool. It's way too hot to be in my house right now. And it's certainly too hot to be outside dry. Time to wet us all down. Do you remember when we were complaining about how cool it was? Yeah, well, it got hot. Whew.

Seeing Fault

What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

~ John Lubbock

This quote has been stuck in my mind lately. It seems that everywhere I look these days I find fault. Mostly with myself, but also with others. Just when I thought I was getting better at avoiding this sort of thing. Since I've been down lately I think that I have been allowing those down feelings to control what I see. I've been looking for the bad and the ugly. And when I find it (because you will find it if that's what you're looking for) it becomes all I can see. Particularly when I look in the mirror.

But the beauty in all of this is that we can always turn it around. When we look for bad we find it, but when we look for good, we can find that as well. I see good and beauty in others everyday, and if I focus on that then soon I will see more and more of that and less of the bad.

I know that this works when I think of others. I've tried it. But I've never tried it in concerns to how I see myself. At least not long enough for it to really catch on and spread like it does when I look for it in the world around me. But I have a theory that if I would just make an effort I might actually be able to only see the good. Well, let's be honest, there will always be days and moments when I'll look in the mirror and go, "Whoa. Hello zit face," or whatever, but wouldn't it be neat if those were in the minority?

So when I look at this rather blurry photo and others, I want to see the good. I want to see the positive. That's something I'm going to actively work on. And when the negative thoughts creep in, because they will, I am going to acknowledge them and then replace them with something kind towards myself. Because I have the power to change my attitude. It just takes practice.