The so called expert

I think I stopped blogging here for a few different reasons. One was that whole having a baby and a toddler thing. Busy. Another reason was that I was just tired of the constant debate about what was wrong with me: is it depression, does she need attention, etc. I'm fine. Really. I just like to write. I like to express my feelings through the things I put down in writing. And I think that body image is an incredibly important topic. One that many of us struggle with for many different reasons. Why do I have to have something wrong with me to want to write about it?

Another reason I stopped was that I felt I had been doing this long enough that I needed to be an expert. I guess I wanted to set myself up that way. Kindof a "been there, done that" sort of deal. But the truth is, I haven't "been there" I am there. I haven't "done that" I'm doing that. Right now. Have I made progress? Yes! Have I arrived? No, and now I begin to wonder if I ever will. Or maybe it's the journey that is important, not arriving. But I didn't feel comfortable blogging as an expert as soon as I tried to make that move. So I stopped blogging. But I missed it.

I didn't gain much weight with my last pregnancy. And honestly, I loved my pregnant body. I loved hearing people tell me I was beautiful. I thought I was too. Yes I was big. I carry very far forward. But I was creating life and it was beautiful. I took better care of myself this pregnancy. For some reason I didn't gain much weight. I convinced myself it would be easier to lose it. I started counting on losing that and all the other weight I was carrying from my first pregnancy. I thought it would be easier this time. And I began to feel like it was important to lose weight.

After Azure was born I did indeed lose the weight I gained with her quickly. In fact within a month it was all gone. But the weight from before, well, it's still hanging around 6 months after her birth. I started seeing all these other women and comparing. I started getting down on myself. "How can she be that thin after 4 kids, I've only had 2 and look at me." My internal dialogue lost any sense of being positive. And even though I fought the back slide, or at least outwardly said I was fighting it, inside I was losing. Inside I had once again bought into the lie that once I was thin I could love myself.

Then the feelings of guilt crept in. I'm a hypocrite. I preach to others that they should love themselves, meanwhile I just want to lose weight no matter what. I started looking at fad diets again. I started wondering about cutting out specific foods to lose weight. And in order to make myself feel like it'd be okay for me to do those things I claimed it was for my health. The pain in my back has been growing worse. Surely if I could lose some weight it would help.

Today it all became very clear. I had a rotten morning. I was mad at the world. I was grumpy with my children. I was disgusted with myself. And I suddenly realized how much I'd been obsessing over my weight. I realized how it was effecting everything from my happiness, to my abilities as a mother, to my relationship with my husband. Suddenly it became clear. I had fallen off the wagon and it was time to stop pretending like I know it all and to get back on.

And then I cried a little. I cried because I was frustrated that I had slid back so far. I cried because I was upset at myself for giving in. I cried because I am tired of the fight. And then I cried because I was so relieved to realize what was happening to me. I cried because I knew I had trodden this road before and it would be easier this time. And I cried because I suddenly realized that arriving may never happen, but that the journey is well worth the effort.

Then I picked myself up. Put together a fun craft for my toddler and me to do together. Cuddled my sweet baby. And told her again that she is beautiful and perfect just the way she is. And I told her that mommy would do better. I looked at my children and remembered that in order for them to learn to love themselves they have to see me loving myself first, and I realized that they are saving me. And I understand now how much we can help each other along this path.

Oh yes, and I remembered that I am indeed beautiful.

Beautiful, Capable, Trustworthy

A few days ago I posted about intuitive eating. My friend Sarah left a comment. Intuitive eating means you must trust that your body knows exactly what it needs to be healthy and fit. Sarah commented that many people do not trust their bodies. Instead, they believe if they throw out the rules they will live on pastries alone. While it may work for some people to listen to their bodies, many hold to a belief that it would not work for them. Their body is not to be trusted.

I've been thinking about this a lot since I received that comment (thanks Sarah, as always you are wonderful and help me to improve). My mother-in-law kindly gifted us a book called Simple Abundance* by Sarah Ban Breathnach that I have been reading. Here is a quote:

". . . whether we are consciously aware of it or not, we're constantly programmed by the world to be other women, not ourselves. We're supposed to look like Cindy Crawford, entertain like Martha Stewart, and decorate like Alexandra Stoddard. With this pervasive social schizophrenia, it's no wonder that most women are terribly confused about the the issue of authenticity."

Top this off with a nice dose of "obesity epidemic" scares and you have a recipe for disaster. We have come to believe that we can achieve all the lofty goals of becoming "the perfect woman," or another woman for that matter, if we look and act a certain way. We'll focus on the look part for today; the act part is a post all unto itself. So in order for our dreams to come true we focus on something we are supposed to be able to control easily with diet and exercise when in reality, that doesn't work for some people (most people). With everyone walking around talking about this or that diet we assume that bodies are not to be trusted, and so we too jump on the wagon and begin a regimen that can set us up to roller coaster through out our entire lives.

So how does one learn to trust their body again? I certainly don't have all the answers, but I will divulge my own path.

I believe that the main catalyst for success in trusting my body started with yoga. Even though I was not as experienced, flexible, or strong as many of the wonderful women in the class with me as I became certified to teach, I began to truly appreciate the ability I had. Every practice made me see that  my body was capable of amazing things. Each day I could go deeper in a pose or lift myself a little higher. My improvement came quickly and helped me see what an amazing mechanism this body of mine was.

During those weeks of training I was also able to reconnect with my body. That is, after all, a large part of yoga. Through regular practice and meditation I began to slowly recognize someone I had known all along, but had forgotten about in the frenzy of life: my body. My beautiful, capable, trustworthy body.

It has been several years since that time and I am just now learning the ropes of intuitive eating, so at that point in my life I wasn't ready to jump in head first, but it set the groundwork. I have mentioned before my struggle with fibromyalgia, insomnia, and fatigue. These issues have also helped me to reconnect with my body. In order to gear up to get a full night's sleep, I would listen to my body throughout the day trying to assess if I was too stressed or excited to sleep that night. Then relax accordingly. On days when my body was in pain I would try to listen to what it needed to feel better; a bath, a good stretch, maybe a walk. These attentions were small, but they allowed me to reconnect.

So when I started intuitive eating I had laid the groundwork of body trust, but I will admit I wasn't fully convinced I could do it. I had spent my life consuming exorbitant amounts of sugar and simple carbs at every possible moment that I wasn't failing at a new diet. Nothing seemed to curb my cravings. How could someone like that be set free of the "rules?"

But I had hit dieting bottom. I wasn't losing the baby weight as advertised (nursing isn't magical for everyone in that way), and every new attempt to diet led me straight to the refrigerator or pantry so I could eat everything I would never eat again before I began. Then I'd diet for a week or maybe two or three and when the scale didn't move, moved up, or only fell a pound I'd give up and run back to my comfort foods. And I felt miserable.

Then there was the knowledge that as a new mother I wanted to be careful to instill good body image ideas in my children, and I was to the point where even if I never dropped a pound I wanted to be happy and ultimately healthy. And dieting wasn't providing either of those things. Besides, aren't we born with the innate ability to eat exactly the right amount to grow and develop? Shouldn't we hang on to that? Yes and yes.

This is getting lengthy so allow me to sum up: I feel immensely better when I honor my body by eating intuitively. I eat less sugar than I have eaten since before I can remember. Not because it is forbidden, but because I don't like how I feel after I eat it. We still have treats in the house, but I can eat one or two and walk away. I no longer have to finish the bag. I'm learning to recognize when I am wanting to eat to mask other emotions. I'm learning to deal with those emotions in a healthy way (this is a work in progress). The scale doesn't seem to move, but my clothes are getting more loose. And while there are still plenty of days and moments when I am tempted by a new diet I hear about, and while the siren song of losing weight still captures my attention from time to time, I am ultimately happier when I push those aside and realize that this body of mine is beautiful, capable, and trustworthy.


*Disclaimer: This link will take you to Amazon. Purchases made from connecting from here to there (funny things are everywhere, Dr. Suess much?) will help to support this site and feed my darling little boy:)

Intuitive Eating Explained

I have mentioned the words "intuitive eating" a lot on this blog, but it occurred to me that perhaps this might be greek to a few people. After all, less than a year ago I had never heard of intuitive eating myself.

The most common reaction I get from people who first hear about intuitive eating is that I'm giving up. I'm embracing the idea of spending my life extremely overweight so that I can indulge in all the sweets I can get my hands on.

My husband used to call me his hummingbird because of my obsession with sugar. During all my years of restricting and dieting I would sneak sugar whenever possible. I looked for ways to always be getting more sugar into my diet. I could never stop at just one piece. I had to eat the whole package. My family all knows me as the one with the sweet tooth. But since I have begun intuitive eating I eat a piece of candy here or there, or a dessert when I feel like it, but I'm able to stop after just a small amount. In fact there are times I have passed up on dessert altogether.

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Here are the details.  While it is true that when it comes to intuitive eating there are no rules, that doesn't mean eating with abandon. Calorie counting and forbidden foods go out the window. If you want ice cream and french fries for dinner that is completely allowed and acceptable, no guilt. However, it is called "intuitive" for a reason. The idea is that you are getting back in touch with your body.

The hope is that you will stop eating when you are full. You'll only eat when you are physically hungry. And you'll eat exactly what your body wants.

How often do you eat something just because it's available? What about eating mindlessly until you realize you are so full you might pop? And have you ever eaten a ridiculous amount of something because "tomorrow you're going on a diet and you'll never get to eat this again?"

When eating intuitively you listen to your body making sure to only eat when you are hungry and to stop when you are full. Sounds simple, but it's amazing how difficult this can be for us to actually put into practice.

The other side of this coin involves eating what your body wants. So let's say you did eat ice cream and french fries for dinner, how did you feel after the meal was over? Did you feel energized? Did you feel healthy, happy, nourished? Because that is how we want to feel after a meal. The more time you spend observing how the food you eat makes you feel the more you want to make choices that help you feel your best.

People who practice intuitive eating find their weight battle at an end. They no longer lose and gain like they are on a roller coaster. Their weight naturally stops where it should be.  There is no "giving up" involved. Rather, intuitive eating is the ultimate form of healthy eating in order to lose weight and give your body the nourishment it actually wants and needs.

Read this post by Dr. Solomon from Nourishing the Soul for more on the subject of "giving up."

Inner Critic

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I am reading a book by Geneen Roth called Women, Food and God. It is a very interesting read. In part of her book she talks about something she calls The Voice. I think we often call it our inner critic or other such things. Basically it is the voice in your head that keeps you down. You know, that little voice in your head that tells you you're too fat, too ugly, too stupid, a worthless waste of space?

For me, learning to combat this critic has been essential to my progression toward self love. For many of us (dare I say nearly all of us), this little critic is a powerful force that keeps us from trying new things. It keeps us from loving ourselves. This voice is responsible for our self hatred.

The Voice is developed from an early age. It starts out as a way to keep us from doing things that are socially unacceptable (like burping loudly in public). Our experiences help shape this voice. Then over time it evolves into the critic that convinces us we aren't good enough. We don't question this voice. We just accept that what it says is true. We convince ourselves that this critic is just trying to keep us safe and is speaking in our self intrest.

So what do we do about this? I think the first thing we need to do is take a step back and question this voice. Would you allow anyone else to talk to you that way? Would you speak to anyone else that way? When the voice tells you that you are as large as a rhinocerous take a minute to think. A rhinocerous? Really? Have you ever seen a rhinocerous? Obviously your voice is exaggerating. Maybe it's not as credible as you've always thought.

The next step for me has been to argue back. I know, it sounds a little odd, but it is really working for me. When I look in the mirror and the critic starts to tell me that my eyebrows just aren't good enough it helps for me to remind myself that there isn't a whole lot I can do to change the shape of my eyebrows. They are good just like they are. I am thankful I have eyebrows.

Taking a step back to remember that we are enough just as we are is important to keeping the voice at bay. Continue to talk nice to yourself. Internal dialogue is incredibly powerful. I love this comment that I got from a reader. Dani wrote:

I think it is important to understand that sometimes we have to say something to believe it. "sometimes we don't know we know something until we say it". We weren't born to think we are "fat, ugly, or an outcast. We learn it, whether it be from peers or family somebody taught us that we are those things.


So keep talking nicely to yourself, even if you aren't completely convinced. Over time the inner critic quiets down. My inner critic isn't gone yet, I doubt it will ever totally disappear. But I am getting really good at shutting her up when she starts to be critical. Life is too short to miss out on things because of a false belief that we just aren't good enough.

Learning to love yourself as you are is a lot of work, but it is probably the most worthwhile thing you can do.

Changing the world: Self Love as a Revolutionary Act

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So I'm on this path to become an intuitive eater. I'm making progress. But it certainly doesn't happen over night. I was first intrigued with the idea of intuitive eating back in August, however I wasn't really ready to embrace it yet. It was a radical change in thinking for me. One I wanted to make, but wasn't really there yet. And even though I'm still learning the ins and outs of intuitive eating, and even though I still have to really think about it my mind is in the right place and I'm converted.

A funny thing conversion. Once someone becomes truly converted to a cause they become passionate about that thing. They want to share it with the world and convert everyone else. I too have had these feelings. Any time I hear a friend or family member speak of how they are counting calories or doing this or that diet I want to tell them how wrong they are. I want to explain to them that there is a better way. I want to show off all my new knowledge about how dieting is destroying our bodies. I forget that a few short months ago I too was not ready for intuitive eating.

I heard on the news yesterday that they have come up with a new diet fad. It's a pacemaker for your stomach. Apparently after you eat some food it sends a signal to your brain to tell you you are full. Um. . . did you know that we already have those mechanisms in place? We are born with them. We just stopped listening.

Then I hear about things like bariatric (weight loss) surgery. Great idea. Go to sleep and wake up thinner. Except that the health "complications" that come after the surgery are truly horrifying. You have to live the rest of your life like that, you can never go back. And often that life is cut short as a result of the surgery. What about the HCG diet? Well, I know people that are having strokes because of it. Younger than me. And most of the people are gaining back all the weight.

Every new diet hurts our body. It causes so much damage. Even calorie counting and exercise is damaging. The only true way to be healthy is to listen to your body's cues. But I need to back off, because, once again, this is a radical thought that can be too much for those not ready to hear it.

I have been reading Health at Every Size (which I highly recommend and no I'm not getting paid to tell you that). She points out that we've already lost the "war on obesity." Every new generation is a little taller, yet we haven't waged a war on height. As we evolve and our circumstances change so do our bodies. But being "overweight" isn't really as dangerous as many (those who stand to profit from it) have led us to believe.

But I digress, what I really wanted to share from that book was this:

"Self-love may be the most revolutionary act you can engage in. A person who is content in his or her body--fat or thin--disempowers the industries that prey on us and helps rewrite cultural mores."

What a way to say it. What we really need in this world is a lot more self-love. When we learn to love and appreciate our bodies we will also learn to take care of them. We will learn to listen and trust our bodies. God gave us all the tools that we need to be healthy (and that includes maintaining a healthy weight). But we have to tune out the noise and learn to listen again.

So I'm converted. And if you would ever like to learn more about this new lifestyle I would love, love, love to share of my knowledge. And I'll try to remember that preaching won't change the world.

If you are a convert to this lifestyle too and are struggling with how to balance your beliefs with those of family and friends I recommend this article.

Pepsi: Destroying Body Image One Can at a Time

I was in the car with my son the other day driving home from the library. As is typical there was only over played songs I had no interest in on the radio, so I flipped to the news (my husband has been trying to get me to listen to talk radio for years, and he is succeeding much to his great pleasure). The news anchor was going along with her report when she announced that Pepsi was changing the look of their diet can. The new can is tall and skinny to celebrate beautiful, confident women.

Whoa! Wait a second. So the can has to be tall and skinny? This has been haunting me ever since I heard about it. Want to see what it looks like? Here you go:

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Here are a couple quotes directly from the press release:

"In celebration of beautiful, confident women, Diet Pepsi presents the taller, sassier new Skinny Can"


"Our slim, attractive new can is the perfect complement to today's most stylish looks, and we're excited to throw its coming-out party during the biggest celebration of innovative design in the world."


Personally, I am offended by this. Thank you Pepsi for perpetuating a serious problem in our culture. Thank you for reinforcing that the only way to be beautiful, successful, and confident is to be skinny. That's just what we need.

If you are wondering if I'm upset the answer is Absolutely. I do have a bit of a temper, and stuff like this gets me fired up. I feel despair right now. Will we ever be able to embrace beauty for the many forms it takes?

Declarations and being Politically Correct

The beautiful Jenarcissist.

As I have embarked on this journey to learn to love myself I have come across a whole slue of people who are searching for the same thing. Many of them are much more settled in their feelings of self-worth than I currently am. I find so much inspiration from these great people.

Right now, today, where I sit I am happy and content with myself. Oh sure, I could come up with a list of things I'd like to change, but whenever that list comes to mind I am careful to push it aside and acknowledge all that I am. No, I am not a size 4 again. But I am strong. I exercise regularly and am healthy. And that is really what I wanted in the first place.

I generally take comfort in sharing my story. While it is difficult at times to bare your soul to the great unknown, it can also be very healing.

I recently read Jenarcissist Bares All: A History of Insecurity. In this post Jen tells her life story. It's beautiful, and heartbreaking, and incredibly easy to relate to in many ways. I believe that insecurity is a huge part of growing up. But as we all know, that insecurity can often lead to greater calamities. At the end of her tale Jen says this:

So these are some things I think about myself now in general. I will not apologize for them; they do not make me full of myself. I am redefining for myself what it means to like me and be okay with that.
1) I am a beautiful girl inside and out. I've decided to just believe it when people say it, though it's not their opinion that gives me the validation.
2) I am not fat. Oh, the "other" F-word. And such a loaded word it is. We each have our own definition of what the word means for our individual body, and I try to see myself more realistically now. It's not about how I look; it's about being healthy.


The list continues on, but I wanted to focus on these two. When I read this the first time I felt my cheeks flushing. I was so embarrassed for her. How can you just come out and say these sorts of things? It's not socially acceptable at all. I mean, if we aren't using fat talk than we should just keep our mouths shut about our appearance, right?

But I spent some time thinking about this. To this day I think the only time I have ever used the word "Beautiful" to describe myself was when it was dripping with sarcasm in order to put myself down. And right now I think that is a shame. Why do I feel like I can't think and definitely never say that I am, in fact, beautiful? What am I afraid of? Am I afraid that the "beauty police" are going to swoop down and inform me otherwise? Maybe lock me away for the MAD idea that I could possibly be "beautiful" with out being a certain size, a certain tan-ness, or having a certain hair length?


So I have a new goal. I want to learn from Jenarcissist's example. I want to be able to declare that I am beautiful inside and out. I want to be able to declare that I am not fat. And I want to be able to tell the world these things and actually believe them.


Um. . . but maybe I'll let it marinate just a little longer. Maybe I'll declare myself Monday. Just like Indigo says in the Princess Bride, "wait until you are ready." I think I'll do just that.

Now What?

We are going to get personal for just a moment here. So, I began this blog in the hopes that it would inspire me to be a better person. I wanted to be kinder to myself. I wanted to accept myself and love my body. I wanted to learn ways to take better care of my body. I wanted to lose weight, but not actually care or have a "need" to lose weight. I wanted all of these lofty goals. But right now, at this very moment I don't care about any of that anymore, I want to be thin again. I'm sick and tired of being fat. I have been in denial about my situation for a long time. When I think of myself I still think of this:

Not this:

This second picture was taken just this last weekend. Granted I wasn't happy with myself when I was the former, but I wasn't "fat." I knew I wasn't. I wanted to be thinner, but I wasn't fat. Now I am.

A series of events have happened lately that have really made me miserable where I am at:

1. I had to go to the doctor. When I got on the scale I was shocked by the number. Much higher than where I thought I was.

2. The doctor told me I need to lose weight. Thanks for that.

3. I have been around a lot of people lately, many who have children. Most of these women have had multiple children and are thinner than I am. There are so many of these women who have had babies after I have had mine and they are also super thin. I know I shouldn't compare, but I do.

4. For whatever reason, being around family makes it harder for me to be fat. Maybe it's because they have known me my whole life and have known me before I was fat. I don't know, but it is so much harder to be around people who knew me before.

5. I have only 4 shirts that fit me. Only 3 are comfortable. I had to buy new clothes recently because I couldn't find anything to wear. I only had 1 shirt that fit. I have outgrown my maternity clothes. I was shocked at what size I had to buy.

6. I joined a gym. I had to. My doctor wants me to swim to help manage my pain. The only place with an indoor pool is the gym. Walking in there is awful. Oh the looks I get.

7. Thelma's recent guest post really got me thinking. She talked about a roommate that had always been beautiful and didn't know how to be anything else. I have to admit that even though I have always found fault, I have lived off of other people's praise of how I look. I am that person as well. I just didn't know it until now.

8. So I was already at my breaking point with all of this and then this weekend someone asked me if I was expecting again.

I hate my body right now. That is very, very wrong of me to say and I know it. It goes against everything I have tried to create on this blog and I'm sorry. But the sad reality is, I truly hate my body right now. I am ashamed of my appearance. I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I can't stand that I look like this. I don't even want to try to accept myself anymore. I want to lose weight by any means, preferably fast.

So there you have it. In case anyone out there thought I was perfect, which I doubt, I certainly am not. I had a few good posts where I was able to admit to myself that this was all my fault. I think that was progress, but beyond that I have just been trying to cover up how I truly feel. I give reason after reason why I should love myself where I am. I truly have tried. I know that I should accept myself, I do know that. But despite my reasons and despite wanting to, I don't. I don't like myself. And I don't know how to change that. I don't know where to go from here.