The so called expert

I think I stopped blogging here for a few different reasons. One was that whole having a baby and a toddler thing. Busy. Another reason was that I was just tired of the constant debate about what was wrong with me: is it depression, does she need attention, etc. I'm fine. Really. I just like to write. I like to express my feelings through the things I put down in writing. And I think that body image is an incredibly important topic. One that many of us struggle with for many different reasons. Why do I have to have something wrong with me to want to write about it?

Another reason I stopped was that I felt I had been doing this long enough that I needed to be an expert. I guess I wanted to set myself up that way. Kindof a "been there, done that" sort of deal. But the truth is, I haven't "been there" I am there. I haven't "done that" I'm doing that. Right now. Have I made progress? Yes! Have I arrived? No, and now I begin to wonder if I ever will. Or maybe it's the journey that is important, not arriving. But I didn't feel comfortable blogging as an expert as soon as I tried to make that move. So I stopped blogging. But I missed it.

I didn't gain much weight with my last pregnancy. And honestly, I loved my pregnant body. I loved hearing people tell me I was beautiful. I thought I was too. Yes I was big. I carry very far forward. But I was creating life and it was beautiful. I took better care of myself this pregnancy. For some reason I didn't gain much weight. I convinced myself it would be easier to lose it. I started counting on losing that and all the other weight I was carrying from my first pregnancy. I thought it would be easier this time. And I began to feel like it was important to lose weight.

After Azure was born I did indeed lose the weight I gained with her quickly. In fact within a month it was all gone. But the weight from before, well, it's still hanging around 6 months after her birth. I started seeing all these other women and comparing. I started getting down on myself. "How can she be that thin after 4 kids, I've only had 2 and look at me." My internal dialogue lost any sense of being positive. And even though I fought the back slide, or at least outwardly said I was fighting it, inside I was losing. Inside I had once again bought into the lie that once I was thin I could love myself.

Then the feelings of guilt crept in. I'm a hypocrite. I preach to others that they should love themselves, meanwhile I just want to lose weight no matter what. I started looking at fad diets again. I started wondering about cutting out specific foods to lose weight. And in order to make myself feel like it'd be okay for me to do those things I claimed it was for my health. The pain in my back has been growing worse. Surely if I could lose some weight it would help.

Today it all became very clear. I had a rotten morning. I was mad at the world. I was grumpy with my children. I was disgusted with myself. And I suddenly realized how much I'd been obsessing over my weight. I realized how it was effecting everything from my happiness, to my abilities as a mother, to my relationship with my husband. Suddenly it became clear. I had fallen off the wagon and it was time to stop pretending like I know it all and to get back on.

And then I cried a little. I cried because I was frustrated that I had slid back so far. I cried because I was upset at myself for giving in. I cried because I am tired of the fight. And then I cried because I was so relieved to realize what was happening to me. I cried because I knew I had trodden this road before and it would be easier this time. And I cried because I suddenly realized that arriving may never happen, but that the journey is well worth the effort.

Then I picked myself up. Put together a fun craft for my toddler and me to do together. Cuddled my sweet baby. And told her again that she is beautiful and perfect just the way she is. And I told her that mommy would do better. I looked at my children and remembered that in order for them to learn to love themselves they have to see me loving myself first, and I realized that they are saving me. And I understand now how much we can help each other along this path.

Oh yes, and I remembered that I am indeed beautiful.

This is what I've been doing

Originally posted April 27, 2012

I've been thinking about my beloved blog a lot lately. But instead of actually posting I've been doing this:

And this:

Enjoying this:

And falling in love with this:

It's fun being a mom of two. But busy. I'll be back to blogging soon. But how can I resist such cuteness. Being there for my kids is my number 1 priority. Everything else has to take a backseat. I sure love these kids.

The Most Amazing Machine

Originally posted January 18, 2011

Everything is harder right now.

It's harder to sleep all night. But it's also harder to get up in the morning. It's harder to prepare meals and take care of my toddler. It's harder to walk and bend. It's harder to blog. It's harder to put together a logical sentence. Everything just seems hard. I'm less than 5 weeks from my due date and everything is harder. I have so many things I desperately want to get done before #2 arrives, but as you may have heard me mention lately, everything is harder. Things just don't get done like they used to. I struggle to motivate myself to do the dishes, let alone paint the baby's dresser.

This state of affairs has brought me to tears of frustration a time or two (hormones don't help). I am so tired, but I have so much I want to do. There have been days where I have been so exhausted I didn't get a thing done, but that fact frustrates me. I want to be productive before everything changes again.

One day as I was feeling very "woe is me" over this state of affairs I had the opportunity to teach yoga that evening. So after an only somewhat productive day I taught a bunch of 14 to 15 year old girls yoga. They loved the class (which was really good for my pregnant self-esteem). They all gasped when I did a head stand. They all marveled that I can still do a push up. And they all got something positive out of the class for themselves. Or at least they told me they did.

That night as I was thinking about my situation I realized something: I need to chill. This body of mine is creating life! My body is working around the clock to grow another human being. And on top of that I take care of a toddler all day. So really, even on my days that I feel less than productive, things aren't really all that bad. I mean, my son gets fed and gets love. My baby is still growing and moving. Things are okay.

Then I started to ponder on the miracle the human body is. Not just a human body that happens to be growing someone else at the moment, although that is miraculous, but the human body in general. Think about it. Every moment your body is sustaining life. Your heart beats and pumps your blood. Your digestive system nourishes your body. Your nerves keep you from burning your hand on the stove. And you did nothing to make this happen.

When my son is starting to get sick he doesn't eat as well (not that he's a great eater generally, but it gets worse when he's coming down with something). He is generally not showing any other signs yet. But within a day or so he usually develops other symptoms that let me know he's sick. Isn't it amazing that his appetite automatically adjusts? His body has to deal with other things, like getting him healthy. So it shifts into that mode automatically.

Our bodies want us to be healthy and well. They work around the clock to keep us that way. Since having this revelation I have been trying to listen more carefully to my body. This usually means more breaks during the middle of a project than I had wanted to take, but it also means less pain at night from working too hard. I have been feeling a deeper appreciation for all that my body does. It really is an amazing thing. I mean, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and I can indeed do a push up (not that I really want to). But more than that, while all this development goes on inside me my body is also keeping me healthy and strong. My body is also allowing me to take care of my family even if we do have waffles for dinner far more often than we should. This body is amazing.

Yours is too. Even when things aren't going exactly how you want with your body. Even then your body is amazing. The only thing your body wants for you is health. So maybe we should try to remember that next time we are down with the flu. No it's not fun, but your body will be the one fighting the hardest to right things. Give your body credit for all the amazing things it DOES do. And maybe try a little more kindness towards it. It works around the clock for you after all.

Dear LITM Friends,

Originally posted September 5, 2011

I am still alive. Thought you'd like to know. I want to say welcome to the new folks who have befriended this site. I'm happy to have you as part of this community. I received this note on Facebook the other day:

"Hey! Miss you--come back already!"

So I figured it was time to write a little something. Pregnancy has wiped me out. I've been tired, busy, cranky, tired, sick, tired, and busy. Did I mention tired? I'm 16 weeks today and am doing rather well, but as I mentioned, I'm tired. So some things have taken a backseat. Unfortunately I've let this blog become one of those things. The truth is, I feel just as passionate about the things I write about here as ever. I even feel that over the past few months I've come to understand my own message better than ever before. But the effort to post has been too much and thus I've not taken the time. The reality is that my life is changing and I will not be able to post as frequently as I used to. However, I value this blog and this community, so I am promising to make a better effort. I'll update at least once a week. I hope we can continue to have good discussions. I also want you all to know that I'm available on Facebook and Twitter for discussions. Let's grow our little community shall we?

In other news, I'm so relieved that it's September (I wish it was February, but one month at a time). The heat has mercifully given way to slightly cooler temperatures for the time being. That alone has helped me come back to life. I've been working hard on the Yoga Studio. I hope to be done in another week or two. It's looking great. I'm excited to share photos with all of you. We are also right in the midst of harvest season for pears. We have 4 pear trees and they are fully loaded this year. I have a lot of work to do. My son is growing as is the little one in my belly (and thus I'm growing, but we'll save that discussion for another post another day). Life is good and I'm so very blessed.

How have all of you been this summer? Anyone planning on doing some canning? What is it you're putting away? Let me know.

Cormac has something to tell you

Originally posted on August 8, 2011




This may explain a few things. Maybe. Maybe not. I'm 12 weeks today. It has been a long, sickly 12 weeks. Between that and our extremely sketchy internet I haven't had much desire to try and get online to blog. I just haven't had the patience or the drive. I apologize.

 When I first tried to get a picture of Cormac in his Big Brother shirt this is the look I got:

 

Perhaps this is a bit more accurate? I guess time will tell.

To Helmer and back

Originally posted July 13, 2011

Helmer, Idaho that is. My little one and I had to take an unexpected trip up to see my parents. My mom was in need of some assistance. A few weeks ago my mom was catering a big party. She picked up a roasting pan that was filled too full. The boiling water started to pour over her hands, but she was standing near a bunch of children and wasn't able to just drop the pan. She's lucky she didn't need skin grafts. Originally we thought the burns would heal in just a week, but a week came and went and the burns were still horrible. So Cormac and I packed up to go help out. I don't think we were much help, but we were glad to be a distraction to my mom from her pain.

Where is Helmer, Idaho? The middle of nowhere. I spent the whole week unplugged. It was nice, but I'm sorry I didn't give you a heads up that I was leaving. But the truth is there are times in our lives when there are more important things that have to take over. Cormac had a wonderful time, but he missed his daddy terribly. I missed his daddy too. We are glad to be home. It's a good 12 hour drive. Mom has a long way to go before she'll be all the way better, but she is getting more movement. I was going to post pictures of her hands, but on second thought they are pretty gruesome, so I'll spare you. Anyway, I'm back. And I have a special guest post for you tomorrow. It's good to be home.

The weekend's cut out

This morning my husband came in to kiss me goodbye (and awake) later than usual. I asked if he was running late. He was. But not because he slept in like I had thought. He had to plow us out. NO! Plow us out? I looked outside to behold a winter wonderland.

My back yard truly is amazing and beautiful. But I am done with snow. Snow is such a wonderful thing. . . in December. Cormac was having fun until he fell on his bum (perhaps because he was wearing about 4 layers of clothing and couldn't walk well in that deep snow?) Then he wasn't so sure about all of it.

So this weekend is going to be wet. Check. But this weekend is also going to be busy. Yesterday I spent the entire day texturing our kitchen. Today I begin painting. Soon, very soon, the kitchen will be done (well, other than the floor, but if it were really all the way done I don't know what we'd do).

My boys have been hard at work. Now it's my turn I suppose. We take safety very serious around here, but that's no reason to not look super awesome. Thus the safety glasses that are also super cool shades.

So we have the kitchen. And because of the kitchen project the house is trashed. Not just a little messy, but trashed. I need to wipe down the walls and vacuum off the furniture because of all the dust we've created in here. That kind of nasty. So I also have that to do. (Wow, two paragraphs in a row without a side note in parenthesis, sort of.)

Then, because we really aren't very busy, we are doing a huge project in my husband's shop. We are transforming the entire building. But this one is a surprise for you (and others), so I won't  tell you anymore just yet.

With all the things I'm working on this weekend my brain is overwhelmed. So rather than write you a really provocative or inspiring post I'm going to leave you to get to work. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Stay safe on the roads if it's snowing where you are too.

Family pictures of a beautiful family

A few months ago I entered a blog giveaway and somehow won. It was a miracle. What did I win? A photo shoot with the amazing Staci D. I love her work and am glad that I was introduced to her by our mutual friend Heidi. Check her out, you'll like what you see. Here's a sneak peak.

We had the pictures taken in Midway. Isn't it beautiful? Incidentally we also lost our only car key while we were out there, and after searching for it for nearly an hour in the dark, tall grass we ended up having to call a shuttle to come pick us up and take us all the way back to Lindon. It's a long story and one I'm sure we'll laugh at some day. But I think the pictures are worth it.

I may have won the giveaway, but Staci has won a client out of me. I love these pictures. And what can I say, I think we are a pretty good looking family (and I truly mean that).

Update

Hey friends. I'm sorry it has been a while. Life is crazy busy. I'm frantically attempting to get a whole bunch of things done around our house before Saturday because we are having Cormac's First Birthday party. On top of that we are having family pictures, my dad's birthday, and family in and out. It has been wonderful but busy. To make blogging worse, our internet is on the fritz. So, this is going to be short and lame, but I'll try to update you more soon.

In the meantime, I'll be done with the elimination diet on Saturday. My days of being a vegan are almost over. It will still be a while before I have everything in my diet again, but I will have completed the 28 days. I'm feeling great. I've lost some weight and have more energy. No complaints here.

I hope you are all well. Stay tuned soon.

Expressing Gratitude

This past weekend I was privileged to listen to the voice of a prophet as he spoke to the people. I love that every six months I can hear his words and know what my Heavenly Father would like for his people. It's a big deal. I know that many of my readers are not members of the LDS faith and probably have no idea what I'm talking about. To learn more about what I believe go here. To learn more about General Conference go here. To listen to the Prophet speak go here.

President Monson spoke of gratitude and how if it is not expressed then what is the point of it. I had never thought of it that way. I often feel gratitude for things but fail to actually voice that opinion. So today I thought I'd express gratitude.

First to my husband. It is hard for me to even put in words how I feel about this amazing man. How do you tell someone that they are everything without sounding cliche and nerdy? I don't know if that's possible. But either way I need him to know that every day I am thankful for him. Every day I realize more and more how much I love him, and every day I realize what a good decision I made marrying him. I'm so glad we have eternity.

Next to my sister. Birdy is a wonderful woman. I have felt so much love and support from her throughout my life, but even more so these past few months. She is one of my biggest cheerleaders. And even though she is my younger sister, she is a shining example to me.

I want to thank my parents for being my parents. These two sacrificed so much to raise my siblings and I. I love them dearly and know they love me. I am thankful for them. I have great parents.

I need to thank my sister-in-laws. These women are the reason I decided to make this journey of personal acceptance in the first place. They are amazing women, all 5 of them. There is something about each one of them that I want to incorporate in my own character. Every time I am near them I feel inspired. I adore them all.

Thank you my dear readers for reading this blog. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. Thank you for holding me up when I feel down. Many of you are my dear friends that I have known for a long time or are family members. I appreciate you and love you. Some of you are those that I have never met, I appreciate you giving me the time of day. I am glad that we can be acquainted in this way.

To my anonymous commenter who said they think that I am prettier today than on my wedding day: thank you. What a sweet thing to say. Your kind words brought tears to my eyes.

Lastly I need to express gratitude for this body of mine. Thank you for putting up with me for the past 26 (nearly 27) years. Especially when I wasn't always as kind to you as I could have been. I have had a wonderful life and I owe it to a healthy and sound body. And most important to me right now, thank you for giving me this:

I adore this little boy and every time I look at him I realize how blessed I am. I didn't think I would be able to get pregnant there for a while, but look what I did. Look what my body did. Thank you.

Diet update: I think we are on day 18, I think. I started tomatoes which was wonderful. But I am sick. I finally succumbed to the flu stuff that my boys have been suffering with. So I am going to stay stuck at day 18 or whatever it is until I feel better. I need to recover before I move on. I am suspicious of soy at the moment, so I'm cutting that out as well. But other than that it is going well. What I want most right now? Bread.

Day 11

I apologize for not posting more last week. On Thursday my little one crawled into my lap, laid his head on my chest, and just sat there for a good half hour. The rest of the night he would start doing something, get sad, climb in my lap, and just lay there. He also stopped eating. So Friday morning we went to the doctor. Poor boy has an ear infection, so I have been up late at night and been needed all through out the days. I love all the cuddle time, but I sure miss my chipper, energetic little friend.

If that wasn't bad enough my poor hubby came down with something awful on Saturday as well. So I have been nursing everyone back to health this weekend.

Why do you care? Well, the exciting news is that I am usually the first to come down with anything that goes around in this family. I have had a minor headache and sore throat, but other than that I have been the picture of health. I am thrilled. I attribute it all to my healthy diet I've been on.

I was talking with my sister last night about this diet, and I was telling her how much fun I am having learning how to cook in a whole new way and with different foods. It has been thrilling. And I don't like to cook much. But there are few things more satisfying than taking a bite out of something that took you all day to make, but you know with every single bite it is nothing but ridiculously healthy for you. I love it.

So, how am I doing on Day 11? Great. I think about food a lot less. My cravings are easing up. My pain is all gone in my legs, almost gone in my feet, and reduced in my back. I do have more energy (I would have even more if I wasn't up all night rocking a sick baby), and I am just pleased as punch that I have stuck to my guns this time.

Life is good. And so is Lemon and Lentil soup, if you want the recipe just let me know, it is so, so, so good.

Kicking it up a notch-Day 7

Image Link

About an hour after yesterday's post I crashed. Too tired to do much of anything else that day. But it is an improvement. Today I'm feeling about the same. Pretty good energy this morning, not so much this afternoon. The pain is still there, but it seems to be easing up. I am still dreaming about food.

Today I decided to put some of my new found confidence to good use. I have always wanted to take a kick boxing class. Always. I've never had the guts to do it. I think I mentioned before that I recently joined a gym. Well, like all good gym's this one has classes. I have been going for nearly two months now and haven't gotten up my courage to attend any of the classes. I've wanted to, but I didn't want to be the fat girl that couldn't keep up. So I've avoided them.

Yesterday I picked up a schedule and set up a time with the daycare that would coincide with kick boxing. I told the woman at the daycare that I thought I would try it out. She mentioned that I would need gloves or wraps and asked if I had any. I didn't, but she did, so she wrote it down and said she would bring them for me to use.

This morning Cormac slept in. Which means I slept in. Oh how I wanted to back out. I was nervous to go. I'm already horribly intimidated by doing anything at the gym that doesn't involve the dark Cinema room where no one can see me, but alas, we woke up with about a half hour to spare before the class. Since I knew someone had gone out of their way to bring wraps for me I figured I shouldn't chicken out now.

The class was exhilarating. I loved it. I was even able to keep up almost the entire time. I wasn't the only person wearing something larger than a size 4, and I had a blast. What's even better, no one noticed or cared that I was new. The one person I told I was new to was encouraging and sweet. She helped me get lined out and the rest of the class was pie. I'm pleased with myself. Other than rolling my ankle (for the second time in a month) I'm feeling great.

Now as for my diet. We are on day 7. Doing well, but I have noticed that I get really cranky in the evening. I've been trying to figure out why. I thought it was just because I am tired, but the truth is, I'm not eating enough. I feel like all I do right now is eat, but since the food that I'm consuming is high in nutrients, but low in calories, I need more of it. So my goal is to do better and to honor my hunger signals a little more. I don't want my body to go into starvation mode, and I'm sure the hubby would like a mood lift over here.

So I am challenging you to all go try something new. Something you've always wanted to do. It will be worth it. I promise. Just push those fears aside and act like you do this kind of thing all the time. Let me know how it goes.

Dreaming of Food on Day 6

Image Source

Last night I had a dream that my family had come to town. They wanted to go to dinner and then to a movie. I knew that the restaurant would not have anything I could eat while on this diet. I went back and forth for what seemed like forever: should I just eat something there? Is this really making a difference? It was hard, but I decided that I would either miss the dinner or take something for myself and not order from the restaurant.

When I woke up this morning I felt so pleased with my subconscious. The last few days have been hard. I've been craving carbs and meat. I want anything super sweet. Getting to eat fruit helps a lot, but even so, I still walk through my pantry and want to reach out for a handful of Goldfish or an animal cracker. But I have been good. Other than occasionally forgetting to rinse and cook with filtered water and not always eating organic, I have been very good these last 6 days.

And I believe it is working. First of all, I'm sleeping so much better at night. It's heavenly. If only my baby would sleep through the night every night. Sleep is such a beautiful thing. You have no idea how beautiful until you are deprived of it. The fatigue is not yet gone, but today, for the first time, it seems to be easing up just a little.

Secondly, the numbness in my back is fading. I still don't have full sensation back there, but I'm getting close. I'm thankful for the feeling that is starting to come back. It may never fully recover, I don't know, but anything is good. At least we aren't going backward.

Thirdly, I'm losing weight. More importantly, I'm losing inches. It is thrilling to finally see the scale moving in the opposite direction than where it has been going.

Something that has been keeping me going is the idea that this is temporary. After reading Intuitive Eating I knew that if I tried to convince myself that I would never eat chocolate again I would never make it. Even today I know I can eat anything I want. I have chocolate in my house, I can eat it. There's nothing stopping me. Nothing but me.

I love knowing that this a choice and I can stop any time. And even though I know chocolate (or even a string cheese) would taste good, I don't want it. I just don't. I want to feel better.

I have been watching the scale climb the last year and feeling more and more helpless. As the pain began to increase as did my fatigue I didn't think I had the energy to make things better. I didn't think I could stop myself. I felt out of control. I've realized that even at the end of this diet if I find that nothing I'm eating is causing me pain or fatigue, it will still all be worth it. I have proven to myself that I can make healthy decisions. I have proven to myself that I can still take care of my body.

The better I treat my body, the more I love it. It may seem strange, but it's true. Ammon and I went out on a date last Friday (our neighbors were kind enough to watch our son). It is the first time we have been out in a long time. I got dressed up. I wanted it to feel special. At the movie theatre I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a long time.

Don't get me wrong, I look in the mirror every day, but I really, truly looked. I looked at the overall picture. And you know what? I felt pretty. Even with all my extra weight, I felt pretty. It almost brought tears to my eyes.

And then, the real break through, I acknowledged that I felt that way. I didn't even try to look for a single thing wrong. I didn't think to myself that I would look even better if. . . I did none of that. I just allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of being pretty.

I even told Ammon how I felt. I'm telling you now how I felt. It's amazing. Saying out loud that I thought I looked pretty is liberating. It gives me confidence. I don't think anything had changed much in my personal appearance (other than I wasn't wearing a ponytail), but my attitude is shifting. It's wonderful.

So, on day 6 I look back at how hard this week has been and I say it has been worth it. If nothing else, it has helped me to see that if I care enough to care for my body my attitude can change. And I do have the power to lose weight. The key is to not become obsessed with losing weight. The key is to be healthy. That's what I'm striving for.

Oh, and eat some pasta for me tonight will you? Enjoy every single bite.

11 Months Old

My baby just turned 11 months old. He is so much fun. I can't believe how much he's grown and changed in the last year. It has been crazy. My life is nothing like it was a year ago. All in good ways though. I am so blessed to have such a sweet little boy in my life.

But with this new milestone I have realized that I am having a hard time. In less than a month my little one will be a year old. I thought that by now I would be back in my pre-pregnancy clothes. I'm not. In fact, I have out grown many of my pregnancy clothes. It's heart breaking in many ways. Now don't get me wrong, my little guy was worth it. He is worth every pound, every stretch mark, and every bit of extra skin that I have. But I feel I have done both of us a disservice by not making more of an effort to take care of myself after he was born. I didn't have to gain back all of the weight I lost after I had him. But I did.

I have this horribly unhealthy relationship with food. I horde food. When I am not at my own house I eat enormous portions because I'm afraid I'll go hungry. I'm not entirely sure what prompted this considering I used to be the opposite about food consumption. Perhaps that's why. Perhaps my body and subconscious remember those years of semi-starvation and they are combating it. Maybe. I don't really know.

I do know that over eating is dangerous. Just like under eating. And I have been over eating for far too long. Since I have started this elimination diet I have noticed how often I wander aimlessly to the kitchen looking for something to munch on. I stop myself now, but I never used to. I didn't think I really ate that much during the day. I was wrong.

So as my son's first birthday approaches I am trying hard not to allow myself to despair the added weight. I have learned so much this year. Even though it has been difficult and the lessons have been hard won, I am grateful to be where I am. I am making changes, and I will lose weight at a healthy pace. I believe that. Now I just need to learn to not be so hard on myself and allow myself to remember that even though I'm not where I want to be I never would have learned what I have learned otherwise. And for that I am grateful to be where I am.

Diet update:

Today is day 4. The first two days were hard because it was all liquids. It's amazing how even if you are full you still feel like you need to eat something solid to make it a meal. Yesterday was nice to start eating solids again. I'm on only hypo-allergenic food. Mostly fresh fruits and veggies. Some grains. I cooked with seaweed for the first time yesterday. That was exciting and eye opening. And let me just say that life is not the same without butter. I'm feeling about the same. I've had a headache more frequently the last 4 days, but other than that not too bad. Today I feel sluggish and exhausted. Better go grab a nap while the baby is asleep. Only 24 more days to go.

A new thing for me

I'm afraid I haven't much to say today. As my family might tell you, that's a rare thing. I've always got plenty to say. Usually too much to say. But today I'm blank.

Today I am going to go and work on some projects for my house. Every Fall I get anxious about getting things done on my house. This year is no different. I am making drapes and decorations and things for little Cormac's upcoming 1st birthday. Crazy. I also need to get into my yard. There are pears that need picking off the 6 trees that we have. I think some of the peaches are ready as well. I need to do some weeding and cleaning up. I need to tape, mud, texture, and paint my bathroom. The kitchen ceiling needs attention. Ah, lots to do. I love Fall.

So I think I'll go get to work. Oh, and today is Day 1. So far so good. I am only allowed green drinks today. Which I happen to like pretty well, although I do get tired of them from time to time. I have been wanting a sandwich, but I think once I get busy I will get over that. Still feeling fine. This first week should get pretty ugly though. We'll see.

Have a happy and productive Thursday.

Living with pain

Image from here.

I've mentioned before that I live each day in constant pain. Sometimes the pain is worse than at other times, but it is always present. I ache through my entire lower body. I frequently have headaches. My back is in a constant state of burning. Sometimes it keeps me awake at night. It keeps me from doing many of the things that I need and want to do during the day.

For example, I love playing the piano. I find great enjoyment in making music. To sit at my piano for more than about 10 minutes causes me so much pain I have to lie down afterwards. I haven't really played my piano much in years now. And that makes me sad.

The pain is horrible, but what is worse, in my opinion, is the fatigue. It is awful to try and take care of a very active 10 month old (soon to be 11 months old) when all I want to do is stay in bed. I want to be involved and excited to be with my son. I need to be active in teaching him. But I'm so tired.

Recently my back started to go numb. I thought perhaps something was out and pinching a nerve. I went to physical therapy and it was decided I should have an MRI. My neck was fine, but there was some concern about my brain. For about a week we thought it was possible that I had MS. Although we haven't entirely ruled that out, we don't think that is what it is now. We went through so many tests, many of which were rather invasive, only to end up back where we were. As far as the medical eye can see, I'm perfectly healthy. Which is wonderful. Except that I hurt. The plan of attack? Try a new medication and see where that leads.

I have done a lot of research on Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I am not one of those people who have entirely lost faith in conventional medicine, but I do believe that sometimes they just don't have the answer. I am willing to take medication if that is what I need to do. But I have decided that before I resort to that I am going to do an elimination diet. I have a theory that perhaps what I am eating is causing my problems. Based on the research I have done so many people benefit from this type of diet. Once I am done with the program I hope to know what triggers what in my body, then I can decide if I like that food enough to deal with the consequences.

Why am I telling you this? Because I am sure that I will need some support. It's a 28 day program. I'm starting it tomorrow. It's pretty intense. You cut out pretty much everything but the very basic greens and beans (that sort of thing). I will only be consuming foods that are hypo-allergenic for a while. Then I'll start adding things back in slowly. I'll be reporting my progress and findings here. If it works I'll let you all in on it. Wish me luck.

I want

Last night I laid in my husband's arms and told him what I want and what I am hoping to get out of this whole journey/blog/goal. I said I want to go from a girl who was anorexic and somewhat bulimic, a girl with a horrible relationship with food and with her body, a girl who became a compulsive over eater to a girl who is healthy, a girl who loves her body for where it has been and what it is today, a girl who is more than her waistline. And even though that girl will have an occasional bad day and wish something were different, she is at peace with herself. She is whole. That's what I want. And I believe it is attainable. I can learn to love my image, even if it isn't an "ideal." I will love that image because it is me and it is enough.

I am more than a superficial being. I have a brain, a sense of humor, talents, interests, and skills. I have people who love me and people that I love. I live a fulfilling life. And I want to be healthy and happy so that I can enjoy all that I have been blessed with to the fullest. Ammon is my number one supporter. He is one of the main reasons I decided to stop criticizing myself and look for the good. To be honest, I still don't know how I ever enticed him to marry me. He is just so wonderful. So, I guess since I did catch him, he must see something in me. I want to see it too. He's also a great listener. It helps to spell out your goals to someone who cares.

So, there you have it. That's what I want. Is that too much to ask? Some may argue that it is, but I don't think so. I don't think we were put on Earth to go through life unhappy and finding fault, especially with ourselves. Life is too short to always look back or to always wish for the unattainable.

One of the best ways I have found to feel better about myself when I get down is to serve others. I know it may sound counterproductive, but it works. It's amazing. I think that this quote really sums up what I want and how I would like to answer to my Maker someday:

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. 
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. 
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children. 
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. 
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. 
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."
~Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Loving others helps us love ourselves. And though I'm not all the way there yet, I know that we can learn to love ourselves as we are, even if we occasionally wish that this or that were a little different. Go do a good deed today, you might be surprised how much you get out of it. Now, to the kitchen with me, I have dishes to do and then to the craft room to make a surprise for a friend.

Today

Today I am happy. I don't know why. I'm just really happy. I have a lot of energy which is a rarity these days. I got a lot done this morning. That always makes me feel good. And I'm about to start some new craft projects, which always energizes me. 

So I think I would like to share with you something exciting that happened to me today. I went out of my house like this:

That's right folks. I went to Costco and JoAnn's without any make-up, with my hair slicked back, and in need of a shower. So maybe that's not that big of a deal, but here is the exciting part: I didn't feel self-conscious. In fact, I didn't even remember that I didn't have make-up on until about halfway through my Costco run. It made me smile that it hadn't bothered me. I finished the shopping trip without feeling awkward without my make-up and am thrilled to say that I feel great. 

So while I know for a fact that I haven't "arrived" by any means, I am making progress. You want to know what else is strange. I kind of like this picture of me. How odd.

Have a wonderful weekend. We'll talk more on Monday.

What I meant was...

I think this picture is funny. I think I make that face a lot, and Cormac always makes the face he's making.

It seems that once again I have alarmed my family. My mother has been getting calls from undisclosed family members asking after my well being. Unfortunately I don't get to see my mom all that often anymore, so she doesn't get to see me on a day to day basis. But my husband and I have had many discussions about if what I am feeling is normal and we both feel that it is.

I have to admit that I was a little discouraged by all this yesterday. I thought maybe I should be venting these things in a more private setting. I think it would make a lot of people I love more comfortable. And that is worth a lot. But as I was thinking about what I am trying to do here I realized that what makes this blog unique and what keeps you people coming back is the personal nature of it.

Pick up any book about a journey and you will find that the hero or heroine never makes it to their final destination with out road blocks, detours, and bad days. It just doesn't happen. And as I have said before, this blog is a documentation of my journey to self acceptance and overall health. I guess I have shown you all a few of my road blocks and detours of late. But if I didn't include those things in this blog it wouldn't be a true documentation and the honesty is what makes this blog special. I'm not trying to sell anything. I'm not trying to put myself up as a shinning example of what you all should achieve. I am human. And sometimes painfully aware of it. Like I was the other day.

And while we are on the subject of my break down, I would like to clarify something. I ended that post by saying, "I don't know where to go from here." I want to tell you what I was thinking. Right then I was thinking that perhaps I was wrong in trying to love myself where I am at. Perhaps it wasn't possible for me. I don't believe this today, but right then I did. I was concerned that perhaps I truly did just need to lose some weight in order to start loving myself.

What I have concluded since then is that I do need to love myself independent of my weight, but that it is crucial to be taking care of my body and to feel good about what I am doing to be healthy for me to feel happy with myself. So while the two are independent of one another, they are at the same time incredibly interdependent, if that makes sense.

Let me put it this way. It is hard to feel good about anything when your body is not properly nourished, has not had some healthy physical activity, and is not thoroughly rested. So how could you expect to feel good about yourself as a person when your body is not well? You can't. You must take care of both. Once your body is taken care of, even if it is a little on the heavy side or what have you, your mind is more clear and can be free to think. A clear mind will tell you that you are more than your outward appearance and you can then learn to love yourself. This is what I have been doing wrong. I was trying to just like myself. All the while I was feeling guilty that I was stuffing my face with goodies and not exercising.

So, this is the last time I will justify myself like this, I promise. I want to share all the nitty gritty details of my life in order to make this blog the truth about this journey. I don't want to preach. I want to share my life. And this is my life. The good days as well as the bad. From what you have all told me, this could be your life as well. So I don't think I'm as crazy as all that.

Besides, I told you I was dramatic didn't I?

I'm Back

My husband's dear family. These people are some of my biggest supporters and I adore them all.

First of all, let me just say that I have amazing friends and family. Thank you all for your love and support. I am the luckiest girl alive. I appreciate all of you and your kindness. Next time I'm having a bad day I'll just post "Having a bad day. Need some love," and let you all work your magic. Before I get into this much further let me also say that I am a dramatic person. I always have been. You can ask any one of my family members. When I write that drama seeps in and can sometimes be heavier than I intended. I apologize.

Yesterday I wrote some pretty awful things about myself. I had been letting my negative feelings fester and build up inside of me. I confessed to you before that we have had a bit of bad luck over here and that I had been feeling blue. I just hadn't told you how blue. I was trying to cover it up in hopes that it would go away. I had been having a hard time for a few weeks. I let it build up. Then when I was asked if I was expecting again I just lost it.

Yesterday when I used the word "hate" I meant it. I truly did. Right in that moment I hated myself. A funny thing about me is that I do my best thinking when I write. The entire process: planning it out, writing it, checking for errors, and then thinking about what I have just written. For some reason this whole process is extremely enlightening for me.

Yesterday I read that "experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them: acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return." I honestly believe that's what happened to me.

Yesterday I hit rock bottom. I said mean, hurtful, and wrong things about myself that should never have been said. I meant them in that moment. When I wrote them I meant it.

But then after I wrote everything out I was able to step away from my feelings. And then I was able to look at what I just said from a distance. And then I read all the encouraging things that you wrote to me. And then I calmed down. And then I was able to make a break through and a change.

Today I am a new woman. I was frustrated with my situation, but that was yesterday. Today I have decided to take action. I have been feeling as though some miracle was going to help me change my life and my body. That's not the case. I took responsibility for my body being where it is. Now I am going to take responsibility to change it.

Today I am committed to eating right. No more junk food for three meals a day.

Today I am going to start working out regularly and rebuilding muscle that has been lost or damaged through the course of the years and the course of whatever is happening in my health.

Today I can honestly say that I do not hate myself. I appreciate my body for what it has gone through. I know that I have not always been kind to it. I know that I have not always been easy on it. I know that I am way too hard on it. I know all of these things. Thank you for reminding me. I am more than the number on the scale. I am more than all of that.

Today I am filled with love, hope, and energy.

I'm starting over from today.