The so called expert

I think I stopped blogging here for a few different reasons. One was that whole having a baby and a toddler thing. Busy. Another reason was that I was just tired of the constant debate about what was wrong with me: is it depression, does she need attention, etc. I'm fine. Really. I just like to write. I like to express my feelings through the things I put down in writing. And I think that body image is an incredibly important topic. One that many of us struggle with for many different reasons. Why do I have to have something wrong with me to want to write about it?

Another reason I stopped was that I felt I had been doing this long enough that I needed to be an expert. I guess I wanted to set myself up that way. Kindof a "been there, done that" sort of deal. But the truth is, I haven't "been there" I am there. I haven't "done that" I'm doing that. Right now. Have I made progress? Yes! Have I arrived? No, and now I begin to wonder if I ever will. Or maybe it's the journey that is important, not arriving. But I didn't feel comfortable blogging as an expert as soon as I tried to make that move. So I stopped blogging. But I missed it.

I didn't gain much weight with my last pregnancy. And honestly, I loved my pregnant body. I loved hearing people tell me I was beautiful. I thought I was too. Yes I was big. I carry very far forward. But I was creating life and it was beautiful. I took better care of myself this pregnancy. For some reason I didn't gain much weight. I convinced myself it would be easier to lose it. I started counting on losing that and all the other weight I was carrying from my first pregnancy. I thought it would be easier this time. And I began to feel like it was important to lose weight.

After Azure was born I did indeed lose the weight I gained with her quickly. In fact within a month it was all gone. But the weight from before, well, it's still hanging around 6 months after her birth. I started seeing all these other women and comparing. I started getting down on myself. "How can she be that thin after 4 kids, I've only had 2 and look at me." My internal dialogue lost any sense of being positive. And even though I fought the back slide, or at least outwardly said I was fighting it, inside I was losing. Inside I had once again bought into the lie that once I was thin I could love myself.

Then the feelings of guilt crept in. I'm a hypocrite. I preach to others that they should love themselves, meanwhile I just want to lose weight no matter what. I started looking at fad diets again. I started wondering about cutting out specific foods to lose weight. And in order to make myself feel like it'd be okay for me to do those things I claimed it was for my health. The pain in my back has been growing worse. Surely if I could lose some weight it would help.

Today it all became very clear. I had a rotten morning. I was mad at the world. I was grumpy with my children. I was disgusted with myself. And I suddenly realized how much I'd been obsessing over my weight. I realized how it was effecting everything from my happiness, to my abilities as a mother, to my relationship with my husband. Suddenly it became clear. I had fallen off the wagon and it was time to stop pretending like I know it all and to get back on.

And then I cried a little. I cried because I was frustrated that I had slid back so far. I cried because I was upset at myself for giving in. I cried because I am tired of the fight. And then I cried because I was so relieved to realize what was happening to me. I cried because I knew I had trodden this road before and it would be easier this time. And I cried because I suddenly realized that arriving may never happen, but that the journey is well worth the effort.

Then I picked myself up. Put together a fun craft for my toddler and me to do together. Cuddled my sweet baby. And told her again that she is beautiful and perfect just the way she is. And I told her that mommy would do better. I looked at my children and remembered that in order for them to learn to love themselves they have to see me loving myself first, and I realized that they are saving me. And I understand now how much we can help each other along this path.

Oh yes, and I remembered that I am indeed beautiful.

The Only Skill You Need: Forgiveness

Originally posted October 28, 2011

Are you one of those people who reads a blog about eating healthy and think, "That's easy for you, but for me in my real life that's just not practical?" Because I am. And I write a blog about better health. I hope that doesn't make me lose credibility in your eyes, but the truth is, this doesn't come naturally. I'm not someone who has always hated desserts anyway and wanted to be health (like my sister). No, I love me a big old chocolate bar. Every day if I could. Every meal if I could for that matter. French fries and other deep fried goodness? Why yes, please pass it my way. I love the taste of these foods. I also love eating out. It's so easy. I don't enjoy cooking all that much most of the time. I do enjoy baking desserts and then consuming them. I hate cleaning up after kitchen adventures. I admit to being an emotional eater. I eat when I'm bored too. No, eating a whole foods diet that is mainly homemade was never something I saw myself doing.

Sometimes when I read blogs with people and families who have given up processed food I'm a little down on myself. Why can't I be better?  The truth is I love the way I feel when I'm eating well all the time. I hate the way I feel when I eat processed food. Which is motivating, but then there are days like every day since I got pregnant. Days where you say I-just-need-to-eat-and-it-needs-to-be-fast-and-tasty-freezer-section-here-I-come. Days where you simply don't care. Days where you don't have time to care. Then I read those blogs and I think well all you perfect people leave me alone. Normal people are like me, not you.

But here is what I've learned: Forgiveness is key. Now I've written about this before, but the longer I strive to be healthy, live well, and eat good things the more I believe that the only skill we really need to master in order to move forward is the skill of forgiveness. As usual, let's paint a picture:

So you've decided you want to eat better. You're giving up processed foods. You feel a big difference and you love it. But then you have a bad day and decide that what you need is a day of eating junk. And you go for it. There are a few different things that could happen at this point:

1. You feel horrible that night and beat yourself up about it.
2. You feel fine, but the guilt of eating junk all day is killing you. How could you be so stupid and weak?
3. You feel fine and decide that eating healthy is over rated. Maybe you keep eating horrible for a few weeks and then it catches up with you, but the guilt is too strong. If you couldn't do it right the first time what makes you think you could ever eat a healthy diet?

There are maybe other consequences, but let's just go with this for now, you get the idea right? What I am submitting to you is that all of these things are a recipe for failure. Instead in any of these situations what we need to learn to do is observe how we feel. Realize that we aren't happy when we eat poorly, overeat, or otherwise derail out health. Then we forgive ourselves and move on. Forgive and start fresh. If you can't forgive you can't move on and the truth is, you will never be able to live a healthier lifestyle.

Everyone makes mistakes. I know I do. Dwelling on them or feeling like we can't move on because we've screwed up our "perfect" record is not healthy. It does nothing for us. In fact, perhaps it is time to change the thinking all together. You didn't screw up because you weren't healthy today, no, there are no screw ups. Rather, tomorrow you aren't going to eat junk because you like it better. Beating ourselves up does nothing but hold us back.

So to all those of you who, like me, may never have a perfectly "healthy" diet please know that's okay. What we do most of the time is so much more important than the occasional McDonald's hamburger. Let go of the idea that you've been "bad," and learn to move on to a new day.

When Family Just Doesn't Understand

Originally posted June 27, 2011

Today we are privileged to hear from the talented and wonderful Dr. Ashley Solomon. She is the mastermind behind Nourishing the Soul. I have really enjoyed reading her thoughts and my association with her since starting this blog. Dr. Solomon is a therapist who specializes in treating eating disorders, body image, trauma, and serious mental disorder. And without further ado here are her thoughts for us today. Enjoy!

The daughter lifts her gaze and with eyes swollen from tears looks at her mother, having just revealed her year-long struggle with her eating disorder. The mother, rocked inside, but in a controlled and loving way, wraps her arms around the one who will always be her little girl. She murmurs gently that she will help in any way she can.

Music rises and lights fade. Made-for-television special goes to commercial.

As most of who live in a world outside of one constructed in Hollywood know, sharing our deepest secrets and enlisting the support of others doesn’t always come quite so easy. And when we’re talking about parents… well, things can be downright painful.

It’s often said that first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well, the second step is seeking support outside of yourself. Whether we’re struggling with depression, stress, addiction, a trauma, or eating issues, we need the support of others to help facilitate our journey to a more healthy life. The fact is, not only do we not need to go it alone, but we shouldn’t.

The importance of social support in recovery is well-established both by research and anecdotally. Various studies show that being bolstered through the tough times can speed up recovery from a host of illnesses. In fact, researchers in one study found that patients who had experienced a heart attack who received high levels of support from family and friends had less chest pain, a better quality of life, better mental and physical functioning, and fewer symptoms of depression compared with those who received little support.

When it comes to mental and emotional difficulties, however, garnering support can at times be difficult. Unfortunately, while our culture is moving slowly to a more comprehensive understanding of mental illness, stigma remains (despite the fact that over 44 million people experience a mental disorder each year in the U.S.).

When parents learn that their child – even their adult child – has a problem, they can sometimes react with hostility and defensiveness rather than the compassion that we would hope to see from them. While this can be incredibly painful to experience first-hand, it can sometimes be helpful to put these reactions in context.

For centuries, parents, and especially mothers, have been put at the center of the ring of blame for their child’s maladies. Despite a wealth of evidence indicating that mothers do not cause eating disorders, for example, stereotypes hold fast that leave many mothers feeling that their child’s life-threatening condition was caused by their short-comings. Because this is too difficult – unbearable even – to believe, some parents react with defensiveness and anger. It’s a way of protecting themselves from the enormity of the pain.

Regardless of the reasons, however, it can be devastating to not have one’s family on board when one is ready to tackle the issues and make major life changes. It can be extraordinarily helpful to participate in family therapy with an experienced clinician who, from his or her safe and objective seat, can help creatively bring a family to a shared understanding.

Unfortunately, some families will simply never be able to to be there in the way that we might hope. In those cases, it’s vital that we recruit additional support, while also grieving the fact that we may not have the families we’ve always wanted.

Finding support may mean taking an uncomfortable step and making ourselves vulnerable to allowing others in. It may also mean being open to support from unexpected places, such as coworkers, members of your spiritual community, neighbors, and even online. It may involve finding a mentor. It’s important to remember that just because we may not be blessed with families who understand us doesn’t mean that we are left to be misunderstood.

Real power in responsibility

It seems to me that as a people we are no longer able to take responsibility for our own actions. If we are heavy then it must be the fault of fast food chains. If we are poor than it is a result of the government. If we have any kind of "issue" then it must be because of our parents.

How sad.

There is real power in taking responsibility upon ourselves. Now, don't get me wrong, in some cases it is true that others can cause our misery, but if we are truly honest with ourselves we would realize that we are extremely quick to place blame somewhere other than ourselves when sometimes it isn't really fair.

A few weeks ago, Dr. Solomon over at Nourishing the Soul wrote about the idea of making parents instrumental in the healing of eating disorders. Read this article, it's amazing.

Dr. Solomon points out that having parents help in healing is radical because "our society has readily adopted the notion that parents are the root of all of our problems and thus cannot be the source of our solutions." 

I think it is sad. During the Holidays magazines are riddled with articles about how to "survive your family" over the Holiday. There are so many movies on this theme as well. Really? Are the people that gave us birth, raised us, and loved us unconditionally even when we were teenagers really that bad? I would argue that with rare exception our parents have only ever wanted the best for us. They want us to be happy, successful, and healthy.

In the world of eating disorders new research is showing that parents largest contribution to the development with one is actually genetic. Which is something that frankly can't be helped.

Here's the thing folks, parents aren't perfect. But neither are you. And you won't be a perfect parent either. I certainly hope my own son is not as quick to blame his parents for any problems he encounters as many of the people I know. I know I'll never be a perfect mother, I know that I'll make plenty of mistakes, but I also know that no one could ever love my son the way I do. No one wants the best for him more than I do.

And I know the same is true of my parents for me and my siblings. My problems in life are not the fault of my parents, though they (like me) are not perfect.

In my own life I have tried hard to realize that perhaps no one is to blame. Maybe things are just how they are. Maybe my genetic makeup is such that I had low self-esteem growing up. I know it is certainly my own fault that I gained weight after the birth of my son. You should have seen the way I was eating. Blaming others, especially my parents, does nothing to help the situation. It keeps me from moving on and addressing the problem. And it could drive a wedge between me and those I blame. No, if we desire change and acceptance we need to stop placing blame and simply move on.

It can be scary to not place blame. It makes us vulnerable and at fault. But our vulnerability is also where we can learn to get to know ourselves better. Stop blaming and allow those who truly know and love you to be there for you. Because there is real power in taking responsibility upon ourselves.