The Intuitive Eating Roller Coaster

Originally posted December 28, 2011

It was back in August of 2010 that I was first introduced to Intuitive Eating. I borrowed the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch from a friend. My friend had changed her life using intuitive eating. She had given up on dieting. She had changed her attitude toward her body. She no longer saw her body as an enemy. She was content, happy, and beautiful. I wanted to be just like her.

When I go back and read the post I wrote about that time I realize now how little I understood intuitive eating. I had it in my mind that it was really simple. All you had to do was listen to your body. Eat when you were hungry. Stop when you were full. Only eat things that made your body feel amazing. Simple.

Except that I've been trying to do it for the past 17 months and am still not really there. I know that if I eat anything white and refined I will get a headache and feel terrible. I know this. I know that my body doesn't like it. And yet there are days where I look at those foods and say to myself, "Yes, it will make me feel sick. Oh well."

I have more of an understanding now though. You see, intuitive eating isn't easy when you've lived a life of denying yourself foods. It isn't easy when you've used food to cover up anything and everything you were feeling emotionally. It isn't easy when you've used food for comfort or rewards. For most of us, we have abused food. Learning to let go of that isn't easy.

It takes time to learn to trust yourself and your body again. I think this was a key understanding that I was missing. I thought that since I had made the decision to never diet again I would be off and running, but it hasn't been that simple. First I have had to really truly convince myself that there are no off limit foods. That process has been interesting. It sometimes takes a very scary turn when I start using it as an excuse to binge. It takes time to learn that balance and to learn trust.

But lately what I am discovering is much more profound. I didn't realize how much food was intwined with every aspect of my life. I have used food to mask emotion, cure boredom, and to bond with friends. I have used food for nearly everything except to nourish my body. I had assumed that when I started listening to my body I would automatically just use food for it's proper use. But it isn't that simple.

You may have noticed my lack of blogging lately. I've been taking the time to sort through things. I've been sorting through the clutter in my home. My poor basement and office were in desperate need of attention. I've taken time to process being a mother of two. That change will be here in just two short months. I've taken the time to enjoy being in the moment now. I've been trying to enjoy every moment of having an only child. I never would have thought the clutter in my home could effect my eating, but it certainly has.

Learning to eat intuitively is a wonderful goal, but what I now understand is that it comes hand in hand with learning to live intuitively. It is difficult to honor our body and mind in one area (like eating) when we are out of order in another area (like in our finances).

Looking back on what I thought about intuitive eating when I first learned the concept I'm glad I thought it would be easy, or I maybe wouldn't have tried it out. But 17 months into this journey I'm glad it hasn't been too easy. I've learned more about myself then I ever would have had it been the "magic bullet" I had imagined.

So if you've thought about trying intuitive eating, or if you are trying it and find yourself on a roller coaster know that this is normal. It's okay. It's all part of the journey. Even though it can be difficult I believe it is worth it. I haven't been this content in my own skin since I was a very young child. And though I think I have a long way to go it's nice to feel liberated.

The Person I Am: Shaped by Pain

Originally posted November 23, 2011

It is 4:00 am. I want to be asleep. My body is physically worn out thanks to the demands of a busy day and the fact that I'm now 5 days away from my third trimester. But alas I cannot sleep. I finally got out of a restless bed to do something more productive, but relaxing. Writing is relaxing for me. My nights are getting a bit harder in general. It's not easy to get comfortable when you can't lay on your back or stomach and you have a basketball for a belly. A basketball that kicks. Tonight was different though. My shoulder is burning. I get this horrible, burning, aching pain in my shoulders and upper back. It's my body's way of letting me know I overdid it. I guess all the cleaning, baking, laundry, dishes, and toddler chasing from yesterday were a bit much. The pain is always the first thing to remind me that pushing myself too hard has consequences.

I shun pain as much as the rest of the world. I don't like to hurt. Not physically, mentally, or emotionally. Especially the later two. But in all reality, I am thankful for pain. I truly am. It may seem strange, but I can honestly say that without pain I wouldn't be the person I am today.

When I was young, probably about 7, I broke the blinds in my brother's room. When confronted about it I lied and said my sister did it. She denied it. We were both punished until the truth was found out. It was a very painful and horrible ordeal. I had disappointed my parents terribly. I hated disappointing my parents. It was painful for my sister, and I had caused that. I finally told the truth and was grounded for a week. I had to sit inside while my family was out raking and jumping in leaves. I love fall. Jumping in leaves was my favorite. But I learned. Lying is not acceptable. That experience shaped me.

There was the pain of losing 2 of my friends in the same year. That year happened to be when I was in 6th grade. Even though my grandfather had died when I was 8, this was really my first experience of loss and death. It shaped me.

From 4th to 6th grade I had very few, almost no friends. I was alone during most recesses. I sat and ate alone. I was teased. The few friends I had were mean to me. When I entered middle school I found true friends. Friends that valued and loved me. The way I pick and choose friends was shaped by that experience.

There were plenty of painful experiences in high school as well: abusive boyfriend, the beginning of an eating disorder, 9/11. Things that shaped me.

In college I developed fibromyalgia. Constant physical pain. That started me down a path to self-kindness. Oh this path took years (and I wouldn't say I'm "there" yet), but the pain started it all. I was running myself into the ground. I couldn't physically do everything I was trying to do. I started learning to pace myself, to say no, to set up boundaries, and to be kind to myself.

The pain of my disordered eating finally caught up to me as well. Resulting in this blog. It has changed the way I eat today. It has helped me to be healthier (in the end). It has shaped my attitude towards food and my body. No longer in a negative way. I got fed up with that. I was tired of the pain. So I made a change.

Then there was the day all the pain medications failed 3 times. I was in labor for 2 days. That was real, physical, intense pain. But now I watch as my beautiful little boy runs around the house and tells me to, "Mon" (come on) when he wants to show me something. Lots of physical pain to get him here. But now that he's here I have the most joy I've had my entire life.

So when I say, on this eve of Thanksgiving, that I'm thankful for pain I hope you can see why. I can't say that my burning shoulder is teaching me any profound lesson tonight (other than I should have taken more breaks yesterday), but I do know that some of the hardest fought and most precious lessons I have learned in this life have come as a result of pain. Letting ourselves feel our pain is a beautiful, difficult, sometimes horrifying, thing. But if we allow it to teach us it can shape our lives. We choose how to react to the pain and how to let it change us. The first step is feeling it.

*This post is part of November’s Self-Discovery, Word by Word series, hosted by Shannon over at Nourishing the Soul. If you want to participate check it out.

The Only Skill You Need: Forgiveness

Originally posted October 28, 2011

Are you one of those people who reads a blog about eating healthy and think, "That's easy for you, but for me in my real life that's just not practical?" Because I am. And I write a blog about better health. I hope that doesn't make me lose credibility in your eyes, but the truth is, this doesn't come naturally. I'm not someone who has always hated desserts anyway and wanted to be health (like my sister). No, I love me a big old chocolate bar. Every day if I could. Every meal if I could for that matter. French fries and other deep fried goodness? Why yes, please pass it my way. I love the taste of these foods. I also love eating out. It's so easy. I don't enjoy cooking all that much most of the time. I do enjoy baking desserts and then consuming them. I hate cleaning up after kitchen adventures. I admit to being an emotional eater. I eat when I'm bored too. No, eating a whole foods diet that is mainly homemade was never something I saw myself doing.

Sometimes when I read blogs with people and families who have given up processed food I'm a little down on myself. Why can't I be better?  The truth is I love the way I feel when I'm eating well all the time. I hate the way I feel when I eat processed food. Which is motivating, but then there are days like every day since I got pregnant. Days where you say I-just-need-to-eat-and-it-needs-to-be-fast-and-tasty-freezer-section-here-I-come. Days where you simply don't care. Days where you don't have time to care. Then I read those blogs and I think well all you perfect people leave me alone. Normal people are like me, not you.

But here is what I've learned: Forgiveness is key. Now I've written about this before, but the longer I strive to be healthy, live well, and eat good things the more I believe that the only skill we really need to master in order to move forward is the skill of forgiveness. As usual, let's paint a picture:

So you've decided you want to eat better. You're giving up processed foods. You feel a big difference and you love it. But then you have a bad day and decide that what you need is a day of eating junk. And you go for it. There are a few different things that could happen at this point:

1. You feel horrible that night and beat yourself up about it.
2. You feel fine, but the guilt of eating junk all day is killing you. How could you be so stupid and weak?
3. You feel fine and decide that eating healthy is over rated. Maybe you keep eating horrible for a few weeks and then it catches up with you, but the guilt is too strong. If you couldn't do it right the first time what makes you think you could ever eat a healthy diet?

There are maybe other consequences, but let's just go with this for now, you get the idea right? What I am submitting to you is that all of these things are a recipe for failure. Instead in any of these situations what we need to learn to do is observe how we feel. Realize that we aren't happy when we eat poorly, overeat, or otherwise derail out health. Then we forgive ourselves and move on. Forgive and start fresh. If you can't forgive you can't move on and the truth is, you will never be able to live a healthier lifestyle.

Everyone makes mistakes. I know I do. Dwelling on them or feeling like we can't move on because we've screwed up our "perfect" record is not healthy. It does nothing for us. In fact, perhaps it is time to change the thinking all together. You didn't screw up because you weren't healthy today, no, there are no screw ups. Rather, tomorrow you aren't going to eat junk because you like it better. Beating ourselves up does nothing but hold us back.

So to all those of you who, like me, may never have a perfectly "healthy" diet please know that's okay. What we do most of the time is so much more important than the occasional McDonald's hamburger. Let go of the idea that you've been "bad," and learn to move on to a new day.

The Challenge with Avoiding Fat Talk

Originally posted October 18, 2011

I know, two posts in a row. What is going on? I don't know either. The creative juices are flowing again or something. Anyway, I wanted to talk briefly about avoiding Fat Talk because, let's face it, it's not always as easy as we would like. Let's paint a picture:

You have decided to stop fat talking. You know that it creates negative energy in your life. It damages the way the children around you see themselves. You no longer want it. It's been two days and you are doing great. Then you go out for lunch with your girl friends. The menus come out and guess where the talk goes? Straight to calories, diets, and other talk concerning weight. Inevitably someone says something negative and the whole group joins in. What do you do? Do you join in? If you don't you're weird. You don't want to insult your friends, but you also want no part of this talk. How do you deal with this situation?

Well, I don' t have all the answers. In fact I have very few answers, but I do have a little life experience here. I thought since this week is the week to stop fat talk that it would be a good place to let you all in on a few techniques that have worked for me.

1. Avoid the subject at all costs. This is easier in small groups, but whenever possible I just steer the conversation away from anything having to do with body bashing and fat talk. If I think the conversation is heading in that direction I generally try to insert some comments on living a healthier lifestyle. Sometimes that means talking about yummy food that is healthy and amazing. Sometimes that means telling people why I don't engage in fat talk anymore. I find that many people are receptive to the idea of talking about better health, and if you are careful it can be a very loving conversation without the bashing.

2. Get your friends on board with you. This doesn't always work. It is important not to interrupt a body bashing session to preach about how good you are to never do it again. That just doesn't come off well in my experience. Rather, when the moment is correct I tell people about what I have researched and now believe. I try to be kind and loving to all view points. A large number of people I love are currently on a diet that I do not agree with. It's not something I would do, and I have expressed as much. But it has not stopped us from sharing. They are comfortable telling me about their diet, and I am comfortable telling them my feelings toward food and body image. It is all done out of love. We all approach health differently. Our choices concerning health are incredibly personal. They come through much experience, research, doctors' opinions, and other such life circumstances. Even if we think we are right we should be wary of telling others they are wrong. Share your opinions in love and leave it at that. Those you like what you say will join in. Others won't. Those who don't will generally respect your perspective in the future. Thus the fat talk can stop.

3. Change the subject. Have you ever picked up a friend and had her tell you how such and such makes her look fat? The natural response is to soothe her feelings by telling her that she looks great compared to you. Right? I know many of us have been there. Rather than putting yourself down to elevate your friend tell her she looks amazing and move on. If she persists in feeling down about whatever it is point out all of her great qualities making sure to include things that are both visible on the outside and those that aren't. She'll get the pick-me-up she needs, and you can keep your own integrity.

4. Don't participate or put a positive spin on it. There have been times where I have found that I have no power to change the subject, interject a contrary opinion, or otherwise influence the drift of the conversation. In those cases I generally just sit quietly until the conversation moves on to something I can get behind. It's not my favorite, but sometimes there is just no other way. If asked for an opinion I usually put in a little comment about how I feel that negative thoughts do not create positive change and then shut up again. It's my mini protest.

Now don't get me wrong, my record is certainly not 100% since I have started to avoid fat talk. There have been plenty of slip ups. There have been days I just didn't care and wanted to be negative. There have been days that I just wasn't really thinking and got sucked into the talk. It happens to all of us. But the key is to move on and forgive. When I realize I have been negative I notice how it makes me feel worse. Then I forgive myself for my weakness and commit to try harder in the future. Getting down on yourself is maybe the worst thing you can do in your quest to become Fat Talk Free. Take it one day at a time, and remember the key is to be loving to yourself and others.

What are other things that have worked for you? How do you avoid fat talk?

The different faces of health

Originally posted June 28, 2011

 I have been ruminating over the fact that "health" looks different on every person. Just like no two people look the same, no two healthy lifestyles look the same. Sometimes we get caught up in the idea that the healthy way we live is the healthy way everyone should live, but this isn't necessarily the case.

Take for example napping during the day. There are some who simply function better with a nap. Pregnant women, for example, often need that extra sleep to keep them going. This is not to say that it is lazy or unhealthy in these people. No, they just need a nap. But in someone else needing a nap to get through the day could be a sign of serious illness or depression.

One of the best examples I can think of is water intake. While I think it is true that most of us (me included) do not drink nearly enough water (not diet soda folks, water) I do not think that the recommended 8 glasses of 8 oz is necessarily true for everyone. There are some individuals who probably don't need as much. And I know for a fact that some people need much more (especially those working outside in the hot summer sun).

There is really no "one size fits all" when it comes to everything about health. A vegetarian or vegan lifestyle might be incredibly healthy for some, but others might be using that lifestyle as a form of restriction fueling an eating disorder they have yet to address.  We are often quick to judge when someone does something we disagree with, but who's to say that for that individual eating meat isn't exactly what their body needs in order to thrive? Oh I agree there are things that are clearly unhealthy and things that are clearly more healthy than others. But on a large scale perspective do we really have a right to judge the health of another person because they choose differently than we do in a few areas?

Size is the biggest debate for most when it comes to health. We see a curvy woman and assume that she never exercises, eats potato chips, drinks soda, and has simply given up trying to be healthy. But this is an unfair judgement. Sure there are folks out there that fit this description, but there are a lot of skinny people who could also be categorized as such. No, there are many fantastic curvy people who are leaps and bounds above some of their thinner peers on the health scale.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that our health is entirely personal. No one should tell us what is and isn't best for our bodies. Doctors can make suggestions. We can read the books on good nutrition. We can learn how to move our bodies to exercise that we enjoy from a teacher or instructor. But none of these resources (who are likely just trying to help) live in your body. None of them knows that after running or doing heavy cardio you get migraines and can't see straight for the rest of the day. None of them gets that you aren't being lazy by taking a nap; your body just requires more rest than the average person. You are the only one that knows what feels good and what doesn't.

It's time to stop looking around to figure out what is healthy. It's time to start turning inward and asking your body what it wants and needs. Trust me, it knows. With a little practice you'll be able to figure it out, and your life will be more full and much more healthy because of it.

Forever Fabulous

Originally published June 24, 2011

I bought a new shirt this week. I loved the way it made me feel in the dressing room. I love the style of the shirt. I love the material. As I stood there in the dressing room I felt cute. Maybe even a little sleek. In a word I felt fabulous. I bought it.

Later I was wearing this same shirt and caught a glimpse of myself in some full length doors, and it happened. I had a bit of a panic when I saw that maybe this shirt wasn't the most flattering for my specific body type. A little self-doubt crept in. Maybe I had no business wearing such a shirt.

As I thought about it later I decided that I was being ridiculous. Didn't the shirt make me feel fabulous? Then if I felt fabulous in the shirt I must be fabulous. Think about it. If you see someone wearing something that obviously makes them feel good don't you think they exude confidence? I think they do. They do, indeed, look amazing. Their self-confidence is evident, and beautiful.

We do this a lot. At least I do. I can wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and think, "not bad," or even, "looking good." But then instead of  letting myself feel fantastic I go jump on my scale. What could have been a wonderful day where I felt great about myself gets destroyed by my needing some outside validation. And here's the thing, the numbers on the scale are actually getting smaller, but it is very slow and sustained (you know, the healthy way to lose weight), but because the scale doesn't show a significant drop off I start to feel down. And frankly it can be triggering for me. As soon as I step on the scale I start wondering if I should indeed go on another diet. Maybe the newest fad would work for me. Or maybe I should start working out long hours during the day.

By the end of the day I have usually talked myself out of these things with the realization that I am so much happier when I eat intuitively. I feel good about myself when I move my body in ways that I enjoy; rather than punishing myself on a treadmill. No, it's not worth it. But I sometimes waste a whole day reminding myself.

So I have made a decision (I think). I think it's time to throw the scale out. I mean all the way out. I want to do it. But I'm still a little chicken. Then I remember that the next time my husband pays me a compliment I want to just feel great for the day. I don't want to use it as an excuse to step on the scale just to see if what he says is reflected in numbers. Yes, I think it's time for the scale to go. And I think it's time for me to only wear what makes me feel great as opposed to what I'm "supposed" to wear for my body type. Because there is no reason I can't feel fabulous every single day. You on board?

Aches and pains: They do serve a purpose

"Bringing awareness to your body, to its unique reactions and processes, and to its symptoms and strengths, sets you up for growthful insights. For where you founder--precisely where your system begins to break down--provides a valuable clue to what needs to change in your life. Working from the perspective of this process of discovery permits you to approach a health crisis with curiosity instead of fear, and with optimism instead of disappointment. Sickness and health become a major way you learn from life. Although dysfunction and disease point to what you need to work on, they also hold the seeds of your unfoldment. From this point of view, illness is an opportunity for growth and transformation, while "recovery" is only a return to an obsolete status quo. Authentic healing will often involve radical changes in how you live. Old habits and attitudes that supported the development of disease will fall away, to be replaced by new ones that go with a new way of being in the world." (Radical Healing, Rudolph Ballentine, M.D. pg. 5)

Do you look at every health challenge as a way to transform your life? Do you see it as a wonderful opportunity to get in touch with your body?

I'll admit that I often don't do this. Lately I have been working by the side of my husband day in and day out trying to get my yoga studio in order. The last two weeks I have started to hurt. . . a lot. I suffer from Fibromyalgia, but lately more often than I am able to live a comfortable life with little to no pain most days. But I sure have been hurting the last two weeks.

Instead of listening to my body, and trying to figure out what in my life is causing this sudden flare up I have seen the aches and pains as a hinderance to my life. I mostly feel like I don't have time for this right now. My body needs to just deal on it's own. I have been pushing and pushing so much. With each new day I get a little more sore and a little more run down. But I just feel like I don't have time to stop.

So I was reading (I guess I haven't cut everything out of my life) Radical Healing the other day (yes I read random texts on healing in my spare time) and I came across the quote above. Huh. Then I had a friend ask for advice with her chronic problem. As I was telling her that it was a blessing for her to have this problem so that she could slow down and remember to take care of her own needs I realized that I wasn't taking my own advice.

Our bodies are truly remarkable things. They are capable of so much. But in our busy lives we often take them for granted. We push and push and push. Then when our bodies speak up, "Hey, remember me? You haven't had more than three glasses of water in 3 days. I'm thirsty!" we get annoyed. How dare our bodies get in our way. We have things to do. We do not have time for these sicknesses.

Rather than taking this attitude, our lives would be so much fuller if we were to actually tune in enough to care for our bodies when minor problems arise (and better yet, take care of them before anything arises). Our bodies would reward us by doing more, clueing us in on problems sooner, and by helping us live healthy and pain free every day.

Slow down enough to listen to your body. I'm going to try to do better. Though I still have plenty of work to do I'm going to start listening. My first step will be to address my sleepiness. Early bedtimes tonight and tomorrow. Then I'll reflect more on my food choices and make eating better meals a priority. Lastly exercise. Though I've been painting walls and working every day, I need to do something that makes me feel good instead of sore.

Those are my steps. What are you going to do? For more wonderful ideas on caring for your body look at Medicinal Marzipan. She had an amazing post this week on taking a vacation for our bodies.

Image source.

Forgiveness: the key to self-love and intuitive eating

Learning to love ourselves takes on many shapes and forms. For me, I had to give up my battle where food was concerned. I also had to grapple with the voice in my head constantly telling me I don't measure up (I'm an over achiever and am often way too hard on myself). But to be honest, those are only a couple ways where feelings of inadequacy plague us.

In fact, I believe that often times we don't even realize the fight going on is in fact a fight over self-acceptance and love.

For example, there are people out there who can eat whatever they want. They are strong and confident in their abilities. They don't have body shame. So in essence, it would appear that anything and everything said on a blog like LITM would not appeal to them. But I don't think this is always true. Self-love can still be difficult for people like this.

I have a dear friend who wrote to me recently. I hope she doesn't mind me talking about her:) She can fit into all of the categories up above. I just adore this woman. She is amazing. Her daily responsibilities are heavy, but she never complains. She takes them all on with happiness and does amazing things. However, she has developed a health condition that can often cause her great physical pain. Having lived most of her life being able to eat whatever she felt like (and taking great pleasure in doing so) she now has to deal with the idea that her health could be greatly improved by eating a specific diet. A very healthy diet. One that includes mostly plant foods and whole grains. A diet that does make her feel better when she eats it. But (there's always a but) it is difficult to adhere to this diet.

I have theory.

You see, as someone who has dealt with food issues most of her life I can say that we are very emotionally tied to the way we eat. Even my dear friend who has never had to adhere to a diet is emotionally attached to her food choices. That is why learning that she must change and take on a diet that feels restrictive is difficult for her.

On the outside, we could look at her situation and say it's not fair. If I preach that we should all throw out rules and become intuitive eaters how does that work for someone like her? She has rules.

The truth is, we all need to write our own code of what we eat. Our own Word of Wisdom, if you will. Making this code hard and fast is not helpful. Actually writing the code is not helpful, but we need to know and understand our bodies and their needs.

For me, I am borderline PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). That means that my body often craves sugar and simple carbs. But when I indulge in these foods I feel awful. But I crave them. As an intuitive eater I know that while I may be craving something it may not make me feel well. Being an intuitive eater doesn't necessarily mean we give in to all of our cravings. Rather, it means we tune in and understand our bodies well enough to know that our food choices affect how we feel. And then with that knowledge we can eat the foods that allow us to feel our best. And sometimes that means telling that sugar craving, "not now." But "not now" doesn't mean never either. Sometimes we can, will, and should go ahead and indulge in the craved food. But observe. Always observe.

Does this mean we have rules? Well. . . yes. . . and no. We understand our bodies. We understand what will make us feel well, and so it could be argued that there are "rules." But think of it more as a guide to what makes you run in optimum condition.

On the flip side, there are no rules. You really can eat whatever you want. Decide if eating whatever you want makes you feel great though. Really great.

I guess where I'm really going with this post, however, is here: You must forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is key.

For my friend, she very clearly knows foods that will help and foods that will harm her. But she needs to take the long journey of learning to become an intuitive eater. Yes, even people who have never had food rules can benefit from intuitive eating, as it involves tuning in with the body and learning to eat in a way that promotes excellent health. So while my friend has "rules" before her, she needs to stop trying to force herself to abide by those rules. Instead, learning to tune into her body and really loving and honoring her body will allow her to lovingly choose the foods that make her feel amazing. She won't need a set of rules.

BUT. . . she will screw up. I screw up. Everyone makes mistakes. When we start getting after ourselves for eating something that doesn't make us feel well we are no longer intuitive eaters. Rather, we have become dieters once more. There is no room for harsh judgement in intuitive eating. None. You must forgive yourself. Observe how you felt when you ate the offending food. Learn from that particular experience. Then you can choose if you would like to repeat that experience ever again.

So, loving our bodies takes many forms. It's not just for those who have struggled with food and body image issues. It's for everyone. And the key, in my opinion, is learning forgiveness.

*Image source

Accepting that my buns will never be steel

Image Source

I bought a gym membership because my doctor thought it would be a good idea for me to start swimming. I have a horrible back. It has gotten to the level of constant pain (on a side note, I think this could be helped with yoga, but I'm so busy, so so busy that I usually only get in about 30 minutes of yoga a day). I walked into the gym and instantly felt bad about myself.

For the next few weeks I worked out every day. Sometimes twice a day. I just knew that if I worked out hard enough in no time I would look like the girls I imagined were shunning me. I ignored the sore feelings all over my body. The ones that made it difficult to life up my baby boy. I even imagined my back was getting better (it was not).

Cormac was allowed to stay in the day care for 90 minutes. I felt that I had to work hard the entire hour and a half. If I went to an hour long class that left 30 minutes for some self punishing. But some days I was so so tired. But if I couldn't do the work outs I would never be able to change. And I would be a failure. How hard could it be? Other people did it.

But after a series of horrible ear infections that Cormac managed to get every single time I'd take him to the day care we decided to take some time off. I think that's when I realized how incredibly burned out I was. Working out was awful. I hated it. I just wanted to lay around and never move again.

I tried going back to the gym a few times, but I would usually give up after a few days. It was too hard.

Yes, it's safe to say that sometimes I am hypocritical. I tell you all about how I'm trying to love my body where it is, but then I would go to the gym for a punishing 90 minutes after which I'd put the baby down for a nap and do at least another 30 minutes at home. But the only thing I was gaining was more and more injuries. And I really wasn't losing much weight, if any. I stop abusing food to abuse exercise. When I'm not abusing either of those I move on to money or obsessive house cleaning.

Learning to love yourself is hard work. For me learning all the different things I do to hide from dealing with my insecurities has been particularly difficult.

But I digress.

So I had stopped going to the gym or working out at all. But one day it was warm out. And sunny. And oh how I want Spring. So I put my little one in his stroller and out we went. It felt good. As I walked I started tuning in to my body. I loved the way it felt to walk and move. I realized how much I truly love to walk. Moving my body didn't have to be all punishment.

I finally decided to go back to a kick boxing class one day. After the class I would go home. No guilt over the last 30 minutes I didn't spend working out. That evening I did a nice 15 minute relaxing yoga routine to stretch out after the class and help avoid the aching in my body. I felt great.

I've come to the realization that little things add up. Getting a little physical activity in each day is  far more beneficial to my health than killing myself for a few days/weeks in a row then taking a few months to recover.

So even though I may never have buns of steel (who wants to sit on steel anyway?) I can have an incredibly healthy heart and enjoy my body.

Zucchini Bread

This has been a week of Fridays. Honestly, every day since last Friday has felt like Friday. So I'm glad today actually is Friday. I decided to venture into the realm of zucchini bread with my latest culinary adventure. I think it turned out pretty good, so I'll share what I did with you. You can find the original recipe here. The recipe that follows is my adaptation.

Ingredients

• 2 cups whole wheat flour
• 1 cup cane sugar (ground up to make it soft)
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon sea salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/3 cup flaxseed mixed with 1 cup very hot water
• 1/2 cup applesauce
• 1/2 cup almond milk mixed with 1 tablespoons lemon juice
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 cups fresh zucchini, unpeeled, shredded
• 1/2 cup walnuts, chopped (optional)
  1. Using olive oil grease a bread pan or a 9" round baking tin. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
  2. Stir together the flaxseed and hot water. Set aside and allow to form a sort of gel.
  
  
  
  3. Stir together flour, sugar, baking powder, basking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves in a large bowl.
  4. Make a well in the center of this mixture.
  5. In another bowl mix the flaxseed mixture, applesauce, milk with lemon juice, and vanilla. Stir using a wooden spoon.
  6. Add the zucchini to the wet mixture and stir until well combined.
  7. Pour the wet mixture into the "well" you made in the dry mixture. Stir until ingredients are all moistened and gently combined - press out any large lumps with your spoon, but don't over-mix.
  8. Gently fold in the nuts, if using - don't over-mix or you will have tough bread.
  9. Pour combined mixture into the prepared pan and bake about 50 minutes or until a toothpick tests clean.
  10. Cool bread in pan for 10 minutes, then remove to a wire rack to cool completley.
  Enjoy!

I meant no neglect

Hello to all. I hope you will forgive my absence the last week. Things have been a little on the crazy side over here and I didn't have it in me to write. We've had a health scare, truck problems, pet problems, colds, and other less than pleasant things on our plate these days. My family always said that bad things come in threes. We have learned that sometimes they come in sixes as well.

Alas, I am sorry to say that through all of this I have been turning to food for comfort and have been beating myself up more than before. It has been hard. I realize what I have been doing and yet have had little to no motivation to stop myself. I guess I struggle to live what I preach, which is sort of pathetic. It has made me realize that even though I was doing so well for a while, these things are still a very conscious effort for me. When I need my efforts to go elsewhere I give up on myself pretty fast in order to cope. I'm guessing coping could be easier if I didn't give up, but one step at a time. I knew that learning to like myself would be a process. Like all processes, we take a few steps forward and a few steps back, but the hope is that we are taking more forward than backward steps. I believe that I am generally moving forward, but it is slow going. At least it is right now.

So I hope you will excuse me and allow me to attempt to put the pieces back together this week as I move forward. Things are good. Through all of this we have had many good things happen as well. It has just been a little overwhelming of late. I may elaborate more in the future, but for right now I don't have the heart. Let's just say that where the health is concerned, we now have more questions than answers. Rats. But life goes on. If you would like to share ways that you deal with bad news that seem to work and help you stay positive, I would love to read them (I'm sure everyone else would as well). We could all use some help coping from time to time.

Diet, Diet, Who's one a diet? (and giveaway)

Or maybe I should say, who isn't on a diet, because I think the number would be much smaller. If you aren't on a diet right now I'm betting you have been on one in the past or are planning to go on one shortly (or both). Here is what I have to say about that: Diets do not work.

Again for dramatic effect: Diets do not work.

My (summarized) list of reasons why I say that:

Diets sometimes work in the short term, but not in the long term.

Diets set you up for lifetime of guilt when it comes to eating.

Diets create complexes with food that are unhealthy.

Diets can lead to eating disorders (I've been there and back).

Diets are miserable when you are on them.

Diets are miserable when you aren't on them.

Basically I believe that dieting is not the answer. I'm not saying we should all give in and accept that we will be forever fat. I know I need to lose weight. Just last week my doctor told me I need to, but he didn't tell me I have to lose it tomorrow, and he didn't tell me that I should be unhealthy and obsess about it. Granted I have been doing a little bit of that, but I am trying to move past that. I don't want weight loss to be the focus. I want health to be my focus. That is why I have been looking for solutions to help me. 

What I have found has excited me more than anything else in this arena in a very long time. I believe that our bodies know what they need. I also believe that our bodies deserve to be treated kindly and to be nourished. I think the answer is learning to listen to our bodies.

Imagine for a minute that you have no restrictions on what you eat. Imagine that while you could eat all the chocolate in the world without guilt you simply don't want to because you know later in the day it will give you a headache. So instead you only have one piece and you feel completely satisfied and happy. Imagine how wonderful that would be. 

My friend Sarah introduced me to a book that has changed her life. It is called Intuitive Eating. I have been devouring this book and am so excited by the possibilities that I have decided to share it with all of you. Thus I am doing a small give away. One of my readers will get a free copy of this book. I hope that it will be as enlightening to you as it has been for me. It worked for my friend. She no longer yo-yo diets or engages in dangerous eating habits. She is healthy. She eats whatever she wants, whenever she wants, lost a bunch of weight, and is easily maintaining a healthy weight for her body. That's what I am hoping to get from this. Maybe you can too.

There are three ways to enter:

1. Become a follower and leave me a comment telling me that you are now a follower (if you are already a follower just leave me a comment). 

2. Post about this giveaway on your blog. Leave me a comment telling me you did so, and give me a link to your blog so I can see.

3. Share about the giveaway on your Facebook. Leave me a comment letting me know.

You can enter once or all three times. I'll close the giveaway on Friday. A winner will be randomly selected. I hope you'll enter!