The so called expert

I think I stopped blogging here for a few different reasons. One was that whole having a baby and a toddler thing. Busy. Another reason was that I was just tired of the constant debate about what was wrong with me: is it depression, does she need attention, etc. I'm fine. Really. I just like to write. I like to express my feelings through the things I put down in writing. And I think that body image is an incredibly important topic. One that many of us struggle with for many different reasons. Why do I have to have something wrong with me to want to write about it?

Another reason I stopped was that I felt I had been doing this long enough that I needed to be an expert. I guess I wanted to set myself up that way. Kindof a "been there, done that" sort of deal. But the truth is, I haven't "been there" I am there. I haven't "done that" I'm doing that. Right now. Have I made progress? Yes! Have I arrived? No, and now I begin to wonder if I ever will. Or maybe it's the journey that is important, not arriving. But I didn't feel comfortable blogging as an expert as soon as I tried to make that move. So I stopped blogging. But I missed it.

I didn't gain much weight with my last pregnancy. And honestly, I loved my pregnant body. I loved hearing people tell me I was beautiful. I thought I was too. Yes I was big. I carry very far forward. But I was creating life and it was beautiful. I took better care of myself this pregnancy. For some reason I didn't gain much weight. I convinced myself it would be easier to lose it. I started counting on losing that and all the other weight I was carrying from my first pregnancy. I thought it would be easier this time. And I began to feel like it was important to lose weight.

After Azure was born I did indeed lose the weight I gained with her quickly. In fact within a month it was all gone. But the weight from before, well, it's still hanging around 6 months after her birth. I started seeing all these other women and comparing. I started getting down on myself. "How can she be that thin after 4 kids, I've only had 2 and look at me." My internal dialogue lost any sense of being positive. And even though I fought the back slide, or at least outwardly said I was fighting it, inside I was losing. Inside I had once again bought into the lie that once I was thin I could love myself.

Then the feelings of guilt crept in. I'm a hypocrite. I preach to others that they should love themselves, meanwhile I just want to lose weight no matter what. I started looking at fad diets again. I started wondering about cutting out specific foods to lose weight. And in order to make myself feel like it'd be okay for me to do those things I claimed it was for my health. The pain in my back has been growing worse. Surely if I could lose some weight it would help.

Today it all became very clear. I had a rotten morning. I was mad at the world. I was grumpy with my children. I was disgusted with myself. And I suddenly realized how much I'd been obsessing over my weight. I realized how it was effecting everything from my happiness, to my abilities as a mother, to my relationship with my husband. Suddenly it became clear. I had fallen off the wagon and it was time to stop pretending like I know it all and to get back on.

And then I cried a little. I cried because I was frustrated that I had slid back so far. I cried because I was upset at myself for giving in. I cried because I am tired of the fight. And then I cried because I was so relieved to realize what was happening to me. I cried because I knew I had trodden this road before and it would be easier this time. And I cried because I suddenly realized that arriving may never happen, but that the journey is well worth the effort.

Then I picked myself up. Put together a fun craft for my toddler and me to do together. Cuddled my sweet baby. And told her again that she is beautiful and perfect just the way she is. And I told her that mommy would do better. I looked at my children and remembered that in order for them to learn to love themselves they have to see me loving myself first, and I realized that they are saving me. And I understand now how much we can help each other along this path.

Oh yes, and I remembered that I am indeed beautiful.

Resolutely against Resolutions

Originally posted January 2, 2012

Well dear friends, welcome to 2012. It is still a little crazy to me. This year holds a lot of unknowns for me and my little family. Good unknowns, but unknowns non-the-less. I'm a planner. I struggle with not having a plan. But for some reason I am at peace with it this year. I know that whatever 2012 brings I'll get through it. I will have my family and friends. And that, my friends, is more than enough.

As the end of the year approached I started thinking about New Year's Resolutions. I'm sure the rest of you had those moments too. I have a problem with Resolutions though. Because let's be honest, the ones you hear the most about involve weight loss. I'm so sick and tired of everyone talking about the penance that they have to do come the new year for their bad behavior over the holidays. So much money is wasted on gym membership, special diet equipment, and other such hyped up stuff. All of these things are supposed to provide the magic bullet that will bring a thin physique and of course happiness. By the end of the year everyone is trying to get rid of the product they wasted so much money on via yard sale and then it all starts again.

Every time you go to the store all of the magazines in the checkout isle talk about your resolution to lose weight (because of course we are all resolved to do that, it is the universal resolution that brings mankind together. . . right?). All of the ads talk about losing weight. People post about it on Facebook and Twitter. From every single angle you get bombarded with the same idea: Resolve to lose weight now!

And I'm sick of it. So I had resolved not to resolve this year. To be honest all this diet talk can be a bit triggering for me. I've been doing my best to avoid any and all of it. I also feel that waiting until the New Year to start on something you've always wanted to start on is a little silly. Why not just start when you realize you have a goal?

But as I started thinking about 2012 I felt a little softened. Deciding to wait until the New Year may be silly, but honestly, who has time to start something new right in December. And there is something beautiful, refreshing, and hopeful about a new year. So maybe it's not that silly. But I'm still not resolving to lose weight (actually it is my goal to keep gaining for about 7 weeks, but that's a different deal).

So what do I want to accomplish in 2012? A lot. To be honest I have a lot of hopes, goals, and dreams for the year, but they aren't really worthy of being called a "resolution." I decided that this year I wanted to set just one resolution. Just one goal that would be challenging, but extremely achievable. Something that makes me happy and inspires me to improve my life in other areas. And yes, it has a everything to do with living a healthier and more balanced lifestyle.

In 2012 I am going to do a bit of yoga every. single. day.

Now, you are all aware that I'm going to have a baby in about 2 months. So I can tell you there will be days when I won't even get on my mat. I'm sure of that. But taking time to meditate, breathe, and carve out just a few minutes for myself each day is something that I need and want.

I'll be writing some about my experience here. That will help me stay on target. So here we are, January 2nd. I've done yoga 2 days in a row and am excited for the rest of the year.

Did you make resolutions this year? How do you feel about resolutions in general?

Forever Fabulous

Originally published June 24, 2011

I bought a new shirt this week. I loved the way it made me feel in the dressing room. I love the style of the shirt. I love the material. As I stood there in the dressing room I felt cute. Maybe even a little sleek. In a word I felt fabulous. I bought it.

Later I was wearing this same shirt and caught a glimpse of myself in some full length doors, and it happened. I had a bit of a panic when I saw that maybe this shirt wasn't the most flattering for my specific body type. A little self-doubt crept in. Maybe I had no business wearing such a shirt.

As I thought about it later I decided that I was being ridiculous. Didn't the shirt make me feel fabulous? Then if I felt fabulous in the shirt I must be fabulous. Think about it. If you see someone wearing something that obviously makes them feel good don't you think they exude confidence? I think they do. They do, indeed, look amazing. Their self-confidence is evident, and beautiful.

We do this a lot. At least I do. I can wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and think, "not bad," or even, "looking good." But then instead of  letting myself feel fantastic I go jump on my scale. What could have been a wonderful day where I felt great about myself gets destroyed by my needing some outside validation. And here's the thing, the numbers on the scale are actually getting smaller, but it is very slow and sustained (you know, the healthy way to lose weight), but because the scale doesn't show a significant drop off I start to feel down. And frankly it can be triggering for me. As soon as I step on the scale I start wondering if I should indeed go on another diet. Maybe the newest fad would work for me. Or maybe I should start working out long hours during the day.

By the end of the day I have usually talked myself out of these things with the realization that I am so much happier when I eat intuitively. I feel good about myself when I move my body in ways that I enjoy; rather than punishing myself on a treadmill. No, it's not worth it. But I sometimes waste a whole day reminding myself.

So I have made a decision (I think). I think it's time to throw the scale out. I mean all the way out. I want to do it. But I'm still a little chicken. Then I remember that the next time my husband pays me a compliment I want to just feel great for the day. I don't want to use it as an excuse to step on the scale just to see if what he says is reflected in numbers. Yes, I think it's time for the scale to go. And I think it's time for me to only wear what makes me feel great as opposed to what I'm "supposed" to wear for my body type. Because there is no reason I can't feel fabulous every single day. You on board?

Beautiful, Capable, Trustworthy

A few days ago I posted about intuitive eating. My friend Sarah left a comment. Intuitive eating means you must trust that your body knows exactly what it needs to be healthy and fit. Sarah commented that many people do not trust their bodies. Instead, they believe if they throw out the rules they will live on pastries alone. While it may work for some people to listen to their bodies, many hold to a belief that it would not work for them. Their body is not to be trusted.

I've been thinking about this a lot since I received that comment (thanks Sarah, as always you are wonderful and help me to improve). My mother-in-law kindly gifted us a book called Simple Abundance* by Sarah Ban Breathnach that I have been reading. Here is a quote:

". . . whether we are consciously aware of it or not, we're constantly programmed by the world to be other women, not ourselves. We're supposed to look like Cindy Crawford, entertain like Martha Stewart, and decorate like Alexandra Stoddard. With this pervasive social schizophrenia, it's no wonder that most women are terribly confused about the the issue of authenticity."

Top this off with a nice dose of "obesity epidemic" scares and you have a recipe for disaster. We have come to believe that we can achieve all the lofty goals of becoming "the perfect woman," or another woman for that matter, if we look and act a certain way. We'll focus on the look part for today; the act part is a post all unto itself. So in order for our dreams to come true we focus on something we are supposed to be able to control easily with diet and exercise when in reality, that doesn't work for some people (most people). With everyone walking around talking about this or that diet we assume that bodies are not to be trusted, and so we too jump on the wagon and begin a regimen that can set us up to roller coaster through out our entire lives.

So how does one learn to trust their body again? I certainly don't have all the answers, but I will divulge my own path.

I believe that the main catalyst for success in trusting my body started with yoga. Even though I was not as experienced, flexible, or strong as many of the wonderful women in the class with me as I became certified to teach, I began to truly appreciate the ability I had. Every practice made me see that  my body was capable of amazing things. Each day I could go deeper in a pose or lift myself a little higher. My improvement came quickly and helped me see what an amazing mechanism this body of mine was.

During those weeks of training I was also able to reconnect with my body. That is, after all, a large part of yoga. Through regular practice and meditation I began to slowly recognize someone I had known all along, but had forgotten about in the frenzy of life: my body. My beautiful, capable, trustworthy body.

It has been several years since that time and I am just now learning the ropes of intuitive eating, so at that point in my life I wasn't ready to jump in head first, but it set the groundwork. I have mentioned before my struggle with fibromyalgia, insomnia, and fatigue. These issues have also helped me to reconnect with my body. In order to gear up to get a full night's sleep, I would listen to my body throughout the day trying to assess if I was too stressed or excited to sleep that night. Then relax accordingly. On days when my body was in pain I would try to listen to what it needed to feel better; a bath, a good stretch, maybe a walk. These attentions were small, but they allowed me to reconnect.

So when I started intuitive eating I had laid the groundwork of body trust, but I will admit I wasn't fully convinced I could do it. I had spent my life consuming exorbitant amounts of sugar and simple carbs at every possible moment that I wasn't failing at a new diet. Nothing seemed to curb my cravings. How could someone like that be set free of the "rules?"

But I had hit dieting bottom. I wasn't losing the baby weight as advertised (nursing isn't magical for everyone in that way), and every new attempt to diet led me straight to the refrigerator or pantry so I could eat everything I would never eat again before I began. Then I'd diet for a week or maybe two or three and when the scale didn't move, moved up, or only fell a pound I'd give up and run back to my comfort foods. And I felt miserable.

Then there was the knowledge that as a new mother I wanted to be careful to instill good body image ideas in my children, and I was to the point where even if I never dropped a pound I wanted to be happy and ultimately healthy. And dieting wasn't providing either of those things. Besides, aren't we born with the innate ability to eat exactly the right amount to grow and develop? Shouldn't we hang on to that? Yes and yes.

This is getting lengthy so allow me to sum up: I feel immensely better when I honor my body by eating intuitively. I eat less sugar than I have eaten since before I can remember. Not because it is forbidden, but because I don't like how I feel after I eat it. We still have treats in the house, but I can eat one or two and walk away. I no longer have to finish the bag. I'm learning to recognize when I am wanting to eat to mask other emotions. I'm learning to deal with those emotions in a healthy way (this is a work in progress). The scale doesn't seem to move, but my clothes are getting more loose. And while there are still plenty of days and moments when I am tempted by a new diet I hear about, and while the siren song of losing weight still captures my attention from time to time, I am ultimately happier when I push those aside and realize that this body of mine is beautiful, capable, and trustworthy.


*Disclaimer: This link will take you to Amazon. Purchases made from connecting from here to there (funny things are everywhere, Dr. Suess much?) will help to support this site and feed my darling little boy:)

Intuitive Eating Explained

I have mentioned the words "intuitive eating" a lot on this blog, but it occurred to me that perhaps this might be greek to a few people. After all, less than a year ago I had never heard of intuitive eating myself.

The most common reaction I get from people who first hear about intuitive eating is that I'm giving up. I'm embracing the idea of spending my life extremely overweight so that I can indulge in all the sweets I can get my hands on.

My husband used to call me his hummingbird because of my obsession with sugar. During all my years of restricting and dieting I would sneak sugar whenever possible. I looked for ways to always be getting more sugar into my diet. I could never stop at just one piece. I had to eat the whole package. My family all knows me as the one with the sweet tooth. But since I have begun intuitive eating I eat a piece of candy here or there, or a dessert when I feel like it, but I'm able to stop after just a small amount. In fact there are times I have passed up on dessert altogether.

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Here are the details.  While it is true that when it comes to intuitive eating there are no rules, that doesn't mean eating with abandon. Calorie counting and forbidden foods go out the window. If you want ice cream and french fries for dinner that is completely allowed and acceptable, no guilt. However, it is called "intuitive" for a reason. The idea is that you are getting back in touch with your body.

The hope is that you will stop eating when you are full. You'll only eat when you are physically hungry. And you'll eat exactly what your body wants.

How often do you eat something just because it's available? What about eating mindlessly until you realize you are so full you might pop? And have you ever eaten a ridiculous amount of something because "tomorrow you're going on a diet and you'll never get to eat this again?"

When eating intuitively you listen to your body making sure to only eat when you are hungry and to stop when you are full. Sounds simple, but it's amazing how difficult this can be for us to actually put into practice.

The other side of this coin involves eating what your body wants. So let's say you did eat ice cream and french fries for dinner, how did you feel after the meal was over? Did you feel energized? Did you feel healthy, happy, nourished? Because that is how we want to feel after a meal. The more time you spend observing how the food you eat makes you feel the more you want to make choices that help you feel your best.

People who practice intuitive eating find their weight battle at an end. They no longer lose and gain like they are on a roller coaster. Their weight naturally stops where it should be.  There is no "giving up" involved. Rather, intuitive eating is the ultimate form of healthy eating in order to lose weight and give your body the nourishment it actually wants and needs.

Read this post by Dr. Solomon from Nourishing the Soul for more on the subject of "giving up."

Changing the world: Self Love as a Revolutionary Act

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So I'm on this path to become an intuitive eater. I'm making progress. But it certainly doesn't happen over night. I was first intrigued with the idea of intuitive eating back in August, however I wasn't really ready to embrace it yet. It was a radical change in thinking for me. One I wanted to make, but wasn't really there yet. And even though I'm still learning the ins and outs of intuitive eating, and even though I still have to really think about it my mind is in the right place and I'm converted.

A funny thing conversion. Once someone becomes truly converted to a cause they become passionate about that thing. They want to share it with the world and convert everyone else. I too have had these feelings. Any time I hear a friend or family member speak of how they are counting calories or doing this or that diet I want to tell them how wrong they are. I want to explain to them that there is a better way. I want to show off all my new knowledge about how dieting is destroying our bodies. I forget that a few short months ago I too was not ready for intuitive eating.

I heard on the news yesterday that they have come up with a new diet fad. It's a pacemaker for your stomach. Apparently after you eat some food it sends a signal to your brain to tell you you are full. Um. . . did you know that we already have those mechanisms in place? We are born with them. We just stopped listening.

Then I hear about things like bariatric (weight loss) surgery. Great idea. Go to sleep and wake up thinner. Except that the health "complications" that come after the surgery are truly horrifying. You have to live the rest of your life like that, you can never go back. And often that life is cut short as a result of the surgery. What about the HCG diet? Well, I know people that are having strokes because of it. Younger than me. And most of the people are gaining back all the weight.

Every new diet hurts our body. It causes so much damage. Even calorie counting and exercise is damaging. The only true way to be healthy is to listen to your body's cues. But I need to back off, because, once again, this is a radical thought that can be too much for those not ready to hear it.

I have been reading Health at Every Size (which I highly recommend and no I'm not getting paid to tell you that). She points out that we've already lost the "war on obesity." Every new generation is a little taller, yet we haven't waged a war on height. As we evolve and our circumstances change so do our bodies. But being "overweight" isn't really as dangerous as many (those who stand to profit from it) have led us to believe.

But I digress, what I really wanted to share from that book was this:

"Self-love may be the most revolutionary act you can engage in. A person who is content in his or her body--fat or thin--disempowers the industries that prey on us and helps rewrite cultural mores."

What a way to say it. What we really need in this world is a lot more self-love. When we learn to love and appreciate our bodies we will also learn to take care of them. We will learn to listen and trust our bodies. God gave us all the tools that we need to be healthy (and that includes maintaining a healthy weight). But we have to tune out the noise and learn to listen again.

So I'm converted. And if you would ever like to learn more about this new lifestyle I would love, love, love to share of my knowledge. And I'll try to remember that preaching won't change the world.

If you are a convert to this lifestyle too and are struggling with how to balance your beliefs with those of family and friends I recommend this article.