The so called expert

I think I stopped blogging here for a few different reasons. One was that whole having a baby and a toddler thing. Busy. Another reason was that I was just tired of the constant debate about what was wrong with me: is it depression, does she need attention, etc. I'm fine. Really. I just like to write. I like to express my feelings through the things I put down in writing. And I think that body image is an incredibly important topic. One that many of us struggle with for many different reasons. Why do I have to have something wrong with me to want to write about it?

Another reason I stopped was that I felt I had been doing this long enough that I needed to be an expert. I guess I wanted to set myself up that way. Kindof a "been there, done that" sort of deal. But the truth is, I haven't "been there" I am there. I haven't "done that" I'm doing that. Right now. Have I made progress? Yes! Have I arrived? No, and now I begin to wonder if I ever will. Or maybe it's the journey that is important, not arriving. But I didn't feel comfortable blogging as an expert as soon as I tried to make that move. So I stopped blogging. But I missed it.

I didn't gain much weight with my last pregnancy. And honestly, I loved my pregnant body. I loved hearing people tell me I was beautiful. I thought I was too. Yes I was big. I carry very far forward. But I was creating life and it was beautiful. I took better care of myself this pregnancy. For some reason I didn't gain much weight. I convinced myself it would be easier to lose it. I started counting on losing that and all the other weight I was carrying from my first pregnancy. I thought it would be easier this time. And I began to feel like it was important to lose weight.

After Azure was born I did indeed lose the weight I gained with her quickly. In fact within a month it was all gone. But the weight from before, well, it's still hanging around 6 months after her birth. I started seeing all these other women and comparing. I started getting down on myself. "How can she be that thin after 4 kids, I've only had 2 and look at me." My internal dialogue lost any sense of being positive. And even though I fought the back slide, or at least outwardly said I was fighting it, inside I was losing. Inside I had once again bought into the lie that once I was thin I could love myself.

Then the feelings of guilt crept in. I'm a hypocrite. I preach to others that they should love themselves, meanwhile I just want to lose weight no matter what. I started looking at fad diets again. I started wondering about cutting out specific foods to lose weight. And in order to make myself feel like it'd be okay for me to do those things I claimed it was for my health. The pain in my back has been growing worse. Surely if I could lose some weight it would help.

Today it all became very clear. I had a rotten morning. I was mad at the world. I was grumpy with my children. I was disgusted with myself. And I suddenly realized how much I'd been obsessing over my weight. I realized how it was effecting everything from my happiness, to my abilities as a mother, to my relationship with my husband. Suddenly it became clear. I had fallen off the wagon and it was time to stop pretending like I know it all and to get back on.

And then I cried a little. I cried because I was frustrated that I had slid back so far. I cried because I was upset at myself for giving in. I cried because I am tired of the fight. And then I cried because I was so relieved to realize what was happening to me. I cried because I knew I had trodden this road before and it would be easier this time. And I cried because I suddenly realized that arriving may never happen, but that the journey is well worth the effort.

Then I picked myself up. Put together a fun craft for my toddler and me to do together. Cuddled my sweet baby. And told her again that she is beautiful and perfect just the way she is. And I told her that mommy would do better. I looked at my children and remembered that in order for them to learn to love themselves they have to see me loving myself first, and I realized that they are saving me. And I understand now how much we can help each other along this path.

Oh yes, and I remembered that I am indeed beautiful.

The Wagon

As you probably gathered, Tuesday wasn't one of my prouder moments in life. I decided to wallow that day. After I spent the day wallowing I realized that I didn't really care for wallowing. But isn't wallow a fun word? While it seemed like it was too much effort to try hard to like myself that day I realized that it also takes effort to not like myself and makes everything else so much harder. When I don't like myself I can't be a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, or person.

I had an Ah-Ha moment. Or maybe a thank-you-captain-obvious moment. It's fascinating how often the two coincide. I realized that when life's storms start to rain on us the first things we let go are sometimes the most important. When we become stressed out about money, raising children, work, school, family, or any combination of things the first thing we let go is exercise and healthy eating. We also start to feel bad about ourselves. Obviously the only reason we are dealing with these stresses is because we simply aren't good enough. Then we fall off the wagon and watch as it carries on without us.

Image taken from http://mosquitomediaserver.com

So back to my Ah-Ha moment. I think we are too quick to assume that the wagon has fled. So we had a bad day. So what? If instead of falling off the wagon we would continue our healthy, happy habits we would find that dealing with all the other stuff gets a lot easier. We can actually deal with our stress with style and may find that those things we thought were such a big deal are no longer such a big deal.

So that's the goal. But let's face it, we will all have a day on the ground now and again. We are not perfect and we will eventually give in to our desire to wallow. That's okay too, but don't stay off the wagon long. It won't get that far in front of you. Spend your few minutes or even a day in the dirt, but then get up and get back on. 

You only fail when you give up. So do what you need to, but never give up.

Image taken from http://www.therealmartha.com

Why Bother

Despite the fact that this is my blog, I can tell you that I am not perfect at this healthy image thing. I want to do all the things that I'm preaching, but a person can't simply change a lifetime of habit in a few days. Today I wanted to give up. As I was sitting at the park waiting for someone to show up for yoga I began to get depressed. As the minutes ticked by and still no one showed up I started going over the reasons no one would come. Instead of thinking rationally my first thought was, "They've all visited your blog and seen how fat you are and no one wants to take yoga from a fat girl." I kept trying to drive that thought out of my head, but there it was. I came home depressed. I looked in the mirror and tried to say something nice. Nothing came to mind. I decided I didn't want to try anymore. I can't lose weight. I've been doing everything right for a week and the numbers are climbing fast. I'm tired. My body hurts so bad all the time. I just didn't want to try anymore. So I turned my attention to taking care of my son.

As I was feeding and caring for my little one I was reminded of the reason I started down this path in the first place: my children (well, child right now, hopefully children in the future). Children watch their parents and emulate that behavior. If my kids see me hating myself and not taking care of myself as I should, why on Earth would they value their own bodies and lives?

But that was just the first reason. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel bad anymore. I want to be a better person. I want to be a happier person. I know that these things take time, even though I don't feel like they should. Honestly, there are probably a million different reasons why people didn't make it. Each of them good reasons. And even if I never ever get to teach a yoga class again, that has nothing to do with me and my personal journey.

Besides, I know that I have two amazing fans rooting for me every day and wanting me to succeed:

And these two are most definitely worth the trouble. So even though I had a huge Craft Macaroni and Cheese binge today, I will get back on the trail and continue on. We all have set backs and bad days. I am determined to make sure that every day is not like this. So, here's to seeing the glass half full.


Oh, and I will be in the park again next Tuesday just in case, unless the results of the poll I'm taking convince me to do it at another time.

Coasting

Today I slept in most of the morning.

Today Cormac and I took a nice long nap.

Today I gave myself permission to take it slow.

Today I took it easy in yoga class.

Today I ate cake for breakfast.

Today I got very little done.

Today I had a very exciting idea that I'm hoping to run with soon.

Today I enjoyed holding my baby.

Today I didn't make my bed (which isn't all that atypical to be honest).

Today I decided just to coast along. And today I think that is perfectly fine.