The Intuitive Eating Roller Coaster

Originally posted December 28, 2011

It was back in August of 2010 that I was first introduced to Intuitive Eating. I borrowed the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch from a friend. My friend had changed her life using intuitive eating. She had given up on dieting. She had changed her attitude toward her body. She no longer saw her body as an enemy. She was content, happy, and beautiful. I wanted to be just like her.

When I go back and read the post I wrote about that time I realize now how little I understood intuitive eating. I had it in my mind that it was really simple. All you had to do was listen to your body. Eat when you were hungry. Stop when you were full. Only eat things that made your body feel amazing. Simple.

Except that I've been trying to do it for the past 17 months and am still not really there. I know that if I eat anything white and refined I will get a headache and feel terrible. I know this. I know that my body doesn't like it. And yet there are days where I look at those foods and say to myself, "Yes, it will make me feel sick. Oh well."

I have more of an understanding now though. You see, intuitive eating isn't easy when you've lived a life of denying yourself foods. It isn't easy when you've used food to cover up anything and everything you were feeling emotionally. It isn't easy when you've used food for comfort or rewards. For most of us, we have abused food. Learning to let go of that isn't easy.

It takes time to learn to trust yourself and your body again. I think this was a key understanding that I was missing. I thought that since I had made the decision to never diet again I would be off and running, but it hasn't been that simple. First I have had to really truly convince myself that there are no off limit foods. That process has been interesting. It sometimes takes a very scary turn when I start using it as an excuse to binge. It takes time to learn that balance and to learn trust.

But lately what I am discovering is much more profound. I didn't realize how much food was intwined with every aspect of my life. I have used food to mask emotion, cure boredom, and to bond with friends. I have used food for nearly everything except to nourish my body. I had assumed that when I started listening to my body I would automatically just use food for it's proper use. But it isn't that simple.

You may have noticed my lack of blogging lately. I've been taking the time to sort through things. I've been sorting through the clutter in my home. My poor basement and office were in desperate need of attention. I've taken time to process being a mother of two. That change will be here in just two short months. I've taken the time to enjoy being in the moment now. I've been trying to enjoy every moment of having an only child. I never would have thought the clutter in my home could effect my eating, but it certainly has.

Learning to eat intuitively is a wonderful goal, but what I now understand is that it comes hand in hand with learning to live intuitively. It is difficult to honor our body and mind in one area (like eating) when we are out of order in another area (like in our finances).

Looking back on what I thought about intuitive eating when I first learned the concept I'm glad I thought it would be easy, or I maybe wouldn't have tried it out. But 17 months into this journey I'm glad it hasn't been too easy. I've learned more about myself then I ever would have had it been the "magic bullet" I had imagined.

So if you've thought about trying intuitive eating, or if you are trying it and find yourself on a roller coaster know that this is normal. It's okay. It's all part of the journey. Even though it can be difficult I believe it is worth it. I haven't been this content in my own skin since I was a very young child. And though I think I have a long way to go it's nice to feel liberated.

The different faces of health

Originally posted June 28, 2011

 I have been ruminating over the fact that "health" looks different on every person. Just like no two people look the same, no two healthy lifestyles look the same. Sometimes we get caught up in the idea that the healthy way we live is the healthy way everyone should live, but this isn't necessarily the case.

Take for example napping during the day. There are some who simply function better with a nap. Pregnant women, for example, often need that extra sleep to keep them going. This is not to say that it is lazy or unhealthy in these people. No, they just need a nap. But in someone else needing a nap to get through the day could be a sign of serious illness or depression.

One of the best examples I can think of is water intake. While I think it is true that most of us (me included) do not drink nearly enough water (not diet soda folks, water) I do not think that the recommended 8 glasses of 8 oz is necessarily true for everyone. There are some individuals who probably don't need as much. And I know for a fact that some people need much more (especially those working outside in the hot summer sun).

There is really no "one size fits all" when it comes to everything about health. A vegetarian or vegan lifestyle might be incredibly healthy for some, but others might be using that lifestyle as a form of restriction fueling an eating disorder they have yet to address.  We are often quick to judge when someone does something we disagree with, but who's to say that for that individual eating meat isn't exactly what their body needs in order to thrive? Oh I agree there are things that are clearly unhealthy and things that are clearly more healthy than others. But on a large scale perspective do we really have a right to judge the health of another person because they choose differently than we do in a few areas?

Size is the biggest debate for most when it comes to health. We see a curvy woman and assume that she never exercises, eats potato chips, drinks soda, and has simply given up trying to be healthy. But this is an unfair judgement. Sure there are folks out there that fit this description, but there are a lot of skinny people who could also be categorized as such. No, there are many fantastic curvy people who are leaps and bounds above some of their thinner peers on the health scale.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that our health is entirely personal. No one should tell us what is and isn't best for our bodies. Doctors can make suggestions. We can read the books on good nutrition. We can learn how to move our bodies to exercise that we enjoy from a teacher or instructor. But none of these resources (who are likely just trying to help) live in your body. None of them knows that after running or doing heavy cardio you get migraines and can't see straight for the rest of the day. None of them gets that you aren't being lazy by taking a nap; your body just requires more rest than the average person. You are the only one that knows what feels good and what doesn't.

It's time to stop looking around to figure out what is healthy. It's time to start turning inward and asking your body what it wants and needs. Trust me, it knows. With a little practice you'll be able to figure it out, and your life will be more full and much more healthy because of it.

Forever Fabulous

Originally published June 24, 2011

I bought a new shirt this week. I loved the way it made me feel in the dressing room. I love the style of the shirt. I love the material. As I stood there in the dressing room I felt cute. Maybe even a little sleek. In a word I felt fabulous. I bought it.

Later I was wearing this same shirt and caught a glimpse of myself in some full length doors, and it happened. I had a bit of a panic when I saw that maybe this shirt wasn't the most flattering for my specific body type. A little self-doubt crept in. Maybe I had no business wearing such a shirt.

As I thought about it later I decided that I was being ridiculous. Didn't the shirt make me feel fabulous? Then if I felt fabulous in the shirt I must be fabulous. Think about it. If you see someone wearing something that obviously makes them feel good don't you think they exude confidence? I think they do. They do, indeed, look amazing. Their self-confidence is evident, and beautiful.

We do this a lot. At least I do. I can wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and think, "not bad," or even, "looking good." But then instead of  letting myself feel fantastic I go jump on my scale. What could have been a wonderful day where I felt great about myself gets destroyed by my needing some outside validation. And here's the thing, the numbers on the scale are actually getting smaller, but it is very slow and sustained (you know, the healthy way to lose weight), but because the scale doesn't show a significant drop off I start to feel down. And frankly it can be triggering for me. As soon as I step on the scale I start wondering if I should indeed go on another diet. Maybe the newest fad would work for me. Or maybe I should start working out long hours during the day.

By the end of the day I have usually talked myself out of these things with the realization that I am so much happier when I eat intuitively. I feel good about myself when I move my body in ways that I enjoy; rather than punishing myself on a treadmill. No, it's not worth it. But I sometimes waste a whole day reminding myself.

So I have made a decision (I think). I think it's time to throw the scale out. I mean all the way out. I want to do it. But I'm still a little chicken. Then I remember that the next time my husband pays me a compliment I want to just feel great for the day. I don't want to use it as an excuse to step on the scale just to see if what he says is reflected in numbers. Yes, I think it's time for the scale to go. And I think it's time for me to only wear what makes me feel great as opposed to what I'm "supposed" to wear for my body type. Because there is no reason I can't feel fabulous every single day. You on board?

LITM's Evolution

Originally posted June 10, 2011

My long time readers already know this story pretty well. But I thought it might be fun to have it all down in one concise place. Plus there are a lot of new readers that may be interested to know how it all began.

 As a young girl I struggled with low self-esteem. As a teenager my obsession with perfection and my low self-esteem manifested itself as an unhealthy relationship with food. All of this was done behind the backs of people I cared about. I didn't want my parents and friends to realize just how much I was skipping meals. When I went away to college I became obsessed with losing weight. I would go for long stretches of time with only a bowl of cereal. I was so proud of what I saw as an ability to never eat. When I would eat with friends or roommates I would overeat to discomfort and then make myself to penance on the treadmill and go extra long before my next meal. (Read the whole story.)

I was always very concerned that I was too big. I felt like my slim figure was simply not slim enough. On the day of my wedding I was so upset that I wasn't smaller. In my mind my dress was two sizes too big for a new bride. So, shortly after my wedding I started experimenting with diet pills, laxatives, and purging (again). When my husband asked about my loss in appetite I confessed and vowed to work on it. Up until this point I hadn't really thought that I had a problem. In my mind everyone hated their bodies. I was just being proactive about changing it.

When I look back I realize how skewed my thinking was. Even when I had lost a lot of weight and was at my smallest I despised my body. I refused to get help. I told my husband we could do it together. The real truth was that I felt like I was too big to go get help (I was at a very healthy weight). I thought no one would take me seriously.

 Fast forward a few years. During those few years I went on every fad diet I could. I developed chronic pain and fatigue. My binge eating and overeating started to become a problem. And I was always unhappy with my appearance.

Then one day this glorious thing happened. I found out I was pregnant. Which was a miracle (and a story unto itself). And that's when I decided things needed to change. It is common knowledge that children watch their parents and learn by example. Not in all areas. There is certainly a large amount of individuality among children. But parents do influence their children. Before I even met my son I knew he was wonderful and beautiful just as he was. I knew that he didn't need to change the precious body he'd be given. And I knew I could tell him, and my other children down the road, he didn't need to change. But I also knew that if I was obsessing about my own body my children would pick up on that much quicker than on the lip service.

Cormac was born and I quickly learned I was way in over my head. He was a very demanding baby. Which under ideal circumstances would have been fine. But you see, we moved when Cormac was only one week old. We moved into a fixer upper. Well, let's be honest, the place was awful. No one had lived in it for a while and the ones who had lived in it before were struggling to take care of it. It was scary.

Every surface needed scrubbed (4 boxes of S.O.S. pads just on the kitchen floor). All the walls needed patched, textured, and painted. The bathroom had to be ripped out all the way to the floor boards and started over. The kitchen was foul. We had to re-finish the cabinets in order to get rid of the grease. And of course we were trying to unpack as well. All with a baby who just wanted to be held every second of the day. There were times I'd strap him to my body and start painting just to get it done.

I was so overwhelmed by the demands on my time. I was so sleep deprived getting up every 2 hours to feed Cormac for the first few months. I was so stressed. And so I turned to food. Sugar, pasta, simple carbs, anything that was a quick pick-me-up and I ate too much of all of it. The weight I'd started to lose after Cormac was here started to come back on with a vengeance.

It was about this time that I started Looking in the Mirror. I wanted to chronicle my efforts to lose weight and figure out the root of my pain and fatigue; as well as a way to better cope or even eliminate those factors. But I also wanted to talk about learning to accept your body no matter the size. Positive change does not happen as a result of negative thinking. And I have changed. Over the span of just this last year I have dramtically changed my opinion on dieting, giving it up altogether. I finally realized (sometime at the end of last year although it took me until the beginning of this year to act on it), that my disordered eating had never gone away and I needed help. I have been learning to be at peace with food, my body, and my situation even when it isn't perfect.

 And through it all I've written post after post. What started as my very personal journey has evolved into an effort to share this hope with others out there. I'm still on my journey. It's still personal, but it has grown into a group movement. And for that I'm eternally grateful to all of you.

P.S. Don't forget to enter the giveaway.

The fears of a formerly skinny gal

Fear is a funny thing. The emotion of fear is so dynamic. Some people avoid being scared whenever possible (yes, I fit in this category; no scary movies for me please). Some people thrive on it. Some people never confront their fears. Some do (yes I do on occasion; I've been skydiving twice and it was amazing).

When I hear the word fear I think of horrible scenarios: man hiding under my car grabs my ankle in a dark parking lot, attack by wild beasts of some sort, motherhood :). Maybe I'm a bit dramatic, but I would imagine that there are others out there who have these same horrible thoughts when they think of the word fear.

But maybe we are over thinking this. Because I am beginning to believe that we all deal with fear to some degree every. single. day. And for those of us who deal with body image issues I think those fears can sometimes be crippling (and likely we aren't even aware of them).

Here's what got me thinking about this: I have heard women talk about how they had tried everything and simply couldn't lose weight. Then they realized that they were actually terrified of losing weight. They didn't know who they would be without the padding. They were afraid of losing friends. They were afraid of the attention that may come (both positive and negative) if they were to lose the weight. They had no idea these fears were there. But once they discovered the fear, and let go by accepting their body as it was, accepting that change would happen and they could love that person too the weight just started to come off.

When I first heard about this idea I thought it was a bit absurd. Who is scared to lose weight? But I've been doing some soul searching and guess what I found? Fear.

I believe that giving up dieting and becoming an intuitive eater takes a great deal of courage. Because it certainly can be scary. There is a lot of unknown. For a person who has always had rules, giving up the safety of rules can be terrifying. And learning to love your body just as it is can be intimidating.

But here is something else I've found in my own life: Fear of the setpoint. In order to be an intuitive eater you need to accept that every body has a weight and shape that is most comfortable and healthy for that body to function. That weight is your body's setpoint. And I'm okay with the concept.

My fear is that my setpoint is high.

Then it hit me: As a formerly skinny girl I have been holding on to this fear that my setpoint isn't as skinny as I used to be (and after having a baby it likely isn't). And I've been afraid to accept that. I've been afraid to give in to being an intuitive eater completely because I'm afraid I will, in fact, stay the size I am.

Wait! That completely undermines the whole journey here at LITM. Isn't the purpose to learn self love and acceptance?

Yes. That is the point. And yes this fear undermines the journey. But you see, up until a few days ago I had no idea this fear existed. I had no idea that deep down I was harboring this belief that intuitive eating needed to help me get thin. Because there are people who have indeed lost weight when they became an intuitive eater. But there are those who didn't either and that fear has been holding me back. The difference between me and those who live intuitive eating? They truly gave in to intuitive eating. They learned love where they were. And they found the best place for the best health for their bodies. And they feel great.

I believe that my heart has been in the right spot, but there are still barriers yet to be discovered and overcome. And guess what, dear readers, if you are embarking on this journey as well you will have your own road to walk with your barriers to tear down. And that's okay. This is a process after all.

No decent story about a journey has ever been written where the hero/heroine reached the final destination without a few hiccups. The hiccups and the unexpected are what make the story so good. So welcome to your journey. It may get bumpy.

*Image credit.

Perfection, oh what a slippery slope

[The body is] a marvelous machine. . . a chemical laboratory, a power-house. Every movement, voluntary or involuntary, full of secrets and marvels!

~Theodor Herzl

The only energy left in this household of mine is being used to throw or control a fit. We are tired and headachy. And sore.

I guess you could say we (I) fell off the wagon. And I've been feeling guilty about it. What wagon? The listening to my body and giving it what it needs wagon. But I've been ashamed to admit it. I mean, I write a blog about taking care of that body. How can someone who writes a blog like that fall off that wagon?

But then again. . . I write this blog about my struggle to learn to love my body right? About the struggle to learn to take proper care of it. So isn't this a perfect example?

I still fight this fear that I simply can't be human. My drive for perfection has not really gone away. To a certain extent I think that's okay, but it can also be damaging. If I preach intuitive eating, then I feel I must always be an intuitive eater. I can never have a day (or a couple weeks) where I binge and eat to mask emotions. I must be perfect.

But I'm not perfect. I'm not. I'm also extremely new to intuitive eating. I've really only been doing this since January. That's only 4 shorts months. Not a whole lot of time to wipe out a lifetime of destructive eating behaviors.

I've known all along that I've been eating to avoid feeling something. I just wasn't ready to deal with it. So I ate. Then I despaired because I was eating poor. And down we went. Not too far, but not great either. My pain has been back, my headaches have returned full force, I'm not sleeping as well at night, and the fatigue has returned. But unlike my life 4 months ago, I know what is happening, and I know how to fix it.

That need for perfection has been freaking me out though. That all or nothing approach is dangerous. If I "screw up" just once during the day and eat when I'm not physically hungry I've felt like I can't keep going that day. I'll just have to start tomorrow. Dangerous train of thought.

So here's the conclusion that I've come up with: If you are like me and feel overwhelmed at times just slow it down. Break down your day and say, "for this one meal I'm going to listen." Nothing else matters. If you want to pig out after the meal, go for it, but for just that one meal listen. And be mindful. Notice how you feel. I'm willing to bet you'll like the way you feel. Then continue on to the next meal if you are ready. Just one baby step at a time.

I started doing this earlier this week and within only 3 days I want to take better care of myself. I've started exercising again because I want to (not because I feel obligated), and I'm eating healthier already. I've not fully recovered from my 2 weeks of ignoring my body, but I'll get there quickly. Our bodies are remarkable like that.

And maybe, just maybe, someone out there will be relieved to know that screwing up happens. Even to those of us who preach.

Forgiveness: the key to self-love and intuitive eating

Learning to love ourselves takes on many shapes and forms. For me, I had to give up my battle where food was concerned. I also had to grapple with the voice in my head constantly telling me I don't measure up (I'm an over achiever and am often way too hard on myself). But to be honest, those are only a couple ways where feelings of inadequacy plague us.

In fact, I believe that often times we don't even realize the fight going on is in fact a fight over self-acceptance and love.

For example, there are people out there who can eat whatever they want. They are strong and confident in their abilities. They don't have body shame. So in essence, it would appear that anything and everything said on a blog like LITM would not appeal to them. But I don't think this is always true. Self-love can still be difficult for people like this.

I have a dear friend who wrote to me recently. I hope she doesn't mind me talking about her:) She can fit into all of the categories up above. I just adore this woman. She is amazing. Her daily responsibilities are heavy, but she never complains. She takes them all on with happiness and does amazing things. However, she has developed a health condition that can often cause her great physical pain. Having lived most of her life being able to eat whatever she felt like (and taking great pleasure in doing so) she now has to deal with the idea that her health could be greatly improved by eating a specific diet. A very healthy diet. One that includes mostly plant foods and whole grains. A diet that does make her feel better when she eats it. But (there's always a but) it is difficult to adhere to this diet.

I have theory.

You see, as someone who has dealt with food issues most of her life I can say that we are very emotionally tied to the way we eat. Even my dear friend who has never had to adhere to a diet is emotionally attached to her food choices. That is why learning that she must change and take on a diet that feels restrictive is difficult for her.

On the outside, we could look at her situation and say it's not fair. If I preach that we should all throw out rules and become intuitive eaters how does that work for someone like her? She has rules.

The truth is, we all need to write our own code of what we eat. Our own Word of Wisdom, if you will. Making this code hard and fast is not helpful. Actually writing the code is not helpful, but we need to know and understand our bodies and their needs.

For me, I am borderline PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). That means that my body often craves sugar and simple carbs. But when I indulge in these foods I feel awful. But I crave them. As an intuitive eater I know that while I may be craving something it may not make me feel well. Being an intuitive eater doesn't necessarily mean we give in to all of our cravings. Rather, it means we tune in and understand our bodies well enough to know that our food choices affect how we feel. And then with that knowledge we can eat the foods that allow us to feel our best. And sometimes that means telling that sugar craving, "not now." But "not now" doesn't mean never either. Sometimes we can, will, and should go ahead and indulge in the craved food. But observe. Always observe.

Does this mean we have rules? Well. . . yes. . . and no. We understand our bodies. We understand what will make us feel well, and so it could be argued that there are "rules." But think of it more as a guide to what makes you run in optimum condition.

On the flip side, there are no rules. You really can eat whatever you want. Decide if eating whatever you want makes you feel great though. Really great.

I guess where I'm really going with this post, however, is here: You must forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is key.

For my friend, she very clearly knows foods that will help and foods that will harm her. But she needs to take the long journey of learning to become an intuitive eater. Yes, even people who have never had food rules can benefit from intuitive eating, as it involves tuning in with the body and learning to eat in a way that promotes excellent health. So while my friend has "rules" before her, she needs to stop trying to force herself to abide by those rules. Instead, learning to tune into her body and really loving and honoring her body will allow her to lovingly choose the foods that make her feel amazing. She won't need a set of rules.

BUT. . . she will screw up. I screw up. Everyone makes mistakes. When we start getting after ourselves for eating something that doesn't make us feel well we are no longer intuitive eaters. Rather, we have become dieters once more. There is no room for harsh judgement in intuitive eating. None. You must forgive yourself. Observe how you felt when you ate the offending food. Learn from that particular experience. Then you can choose if you would like to repeat that experience ever again.

So, loving our bodies takes many forms. It's not just for those who have struggled with food and body image issues. It's for everyone. And the key, in my opinion, is learning forgiveness.

*Image source

I'm Blogging Elsewhere Today

I'm a guest over at The Closet Narcissists today. Please click over to check it out. You'll love the fun things on their site and I hope you'll even like today's post. Below you'll find a little teaser.

Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want. 

~Sue Bender

I have been on a journey to figure out who I truly am. Not only that, but to like that person. I'm a people liker. I get along with all types of people. I always have. Yet I have struggled for years to grant that same acceptance to myself. I have struggled to make myself into something I am not. For example:

This is a picture of my dear friend Lizzy (in white) and myself a few years ago. We were in Germany. We had Eurorail passes with a couple of other girls. We were all just 20, touring Europe, and having the time of our lives. Notice the way I am dressed. Notice the way Lizzy is dressed. I borrowed a long sleeve shirt from her and tied it around my waist, just like her. I also turned up my jeans, just the way Lizzy did. To give myself some credit, it was sometimes cold and having a long sleeve shirt to throw on at all times was nice, but this was not my style. I was only dressed like this because I desperately wanted to be Lizzy. I adore Lizzy. I always have. But learning that I don't have to be Lizzy, well that has been a different matter altogether.

Continue reading.

Beautiful, Capable, Trustworthy

A few days ago I posted about intuitive eating. My friend Sarah left a comment. Intuitive eating means you must trust that your body knows exactly what it needs to be healthy and fit. Sarah commented that many people do not trust their bodies. Instead, they believe if they throw out the rules they will live on pastries alone. While it may work for some people to listen to their bodies, many hold to a belief that it would not work for them. Their body is not to be trusted.

I've been thinking about this a lot since I received that comment (thanks Sarah, as always you are wonderful and help me to improve). My mother-in-law kindly gifted us a book called Simple Abundance* by Sarah Ban Breathnach that I have been reading. Here is a quote:

". . . whether we are consciously aware of it or not, we're constantly programmed by the world to be other women, not ourselves. We're supposed to look like Cindy Crawford, entertain like Martha Stewart, and decorate like Alexandra Stoddard. With this pervasive social schizophrenia, it's no wonder that most women are terribly confused about the the issue of authenticity."

Top this off with a nice dose of "obesity epidemic" scares and you have a recipe for disaster. We have come to believe that we can achieve all the lofty goals of becoming "the perfect woman," or another woman for that matter, if we look and act a certain way. We'll focus on the look part for today; the act part is a post all unto itself. So in order for our dreams to come true we focus on something we are supposed to be able to control easily with diet and exercise when in reality, that doesn't work for some people (most people). With everyone walking around talking about this or that diet we assume that bodies are not to be trusted, and so we too jump on the wagon and begin a regimen that can set us up to roller coaster through out our entire lives.

So how does one learn to trust their body again? I certainly don't have all the answers, but I will divulge my own path.

I believe that the main catalyst for success in trusting my body started with yoga. Even though I was not as experienced, flexible, or strong as many of the wonderful women in the class with me as I became certified to teach, I began to truly appreciate the ability I had. Every practice made me see that  my body was capable of amazing things. Each day I could go deeper in a pose or lift myself a little higher. My improvement came quickly and helped me see what an amazing mechanism this body of mine was.

During those weeks of training I was also able to reconnect with my body. That is, after all, a large part of yoga. Through regular practice and meditation I began to slowly recognize someone I had known all along, but had forgotten about in the frenzy of life: my body. My beautiful, capable, trustworthy body.

It has been several years since that time and I am just now learning the ropes of intuitive eating, so at that point in my life I wasn't ready to jump in head first, but it set the groundwork. I have mentioned before my struggle with fibromyalgia, insomnia, and fatigue. These issues have also helped me to reconnect with my body. In order to gear up to get a full night's sleep, I would listen to my body throughout the day trying to assess if I was too stressed or excited to sleep that night. Then relax accordingly. On days when my body was in pain I would try to listen to what it needed to feel better; a bath, a good stretch, maybe a walk. These attentions were small, but they allowed me to reconnect.

So when I started intuitive eating I had laid the groundwork of body trust, but I will admit I wasn't fully convinced I could do it. I had spent my life consuming exorbitant amounts of sugar and simple carbs at every possible moment that I wasn't failing at a new diet. Nothing seemed to curb my cravings. How could someone like that be set free of the "rules?"

But I had hit dieting bottom. I wasn't losing the baby weight as advertised (nursing isn't magical for everyone in that way), and every new attempt to diet led me straight to the refrigerator or pantry so I could eat everything I would never eat again before I began. Then I'd diet for a week or maybe two or three and when the scale didn't move, moved up, or only fell a pound I'd give up and run back to my comfort foods. And I felt miserable.

Then there was the knowledge that as a new mother I wanted to be careful to instill good body image ideas in my children, and I was to the point where even if I never dropped a pound I wanted to be happy and ultimately healthy. And dieting wasn't providing either of those things. Besides, aren't we born with the innate ability to eat exactly the right amount to grow and develop? Shouldn't we hang on to that? Yes and yes.

This is getting lengthy so allow me to sum up: I feel immensely better when I honor my body by eating intuitively. I eat less sugar than I have eaten since before I can remember. Not because it is forbidden, but because I don't like how I feel after I eat it. We still have treats in the house, but I can eat one or two and walk away. I no longer have to finish the bag. I'm learning to recognize when I am wanting to eat to mask other emotions. I'm learning to deal with those emotions in a healthy way (this is a work in progress). The scale doesn't seem to move, but my clothes are getting more loose. And while there are still plenty of days and moments when I am tempted by a new diet I hear about, and while the siren song of losing weight still captures my attention from time to time, I am ultimately happier when I push those aside and realize that this body of mine is beautiful, capable, and trustworthy.


*Disclaimer: This link will take you to Amazon. Purchases made from connecting from here to there (funny things are everywhere, Dr. Suess much?) will help to support this site and feed my darling little boy:)

Intuitive Eating Explained

I have mentioned the words "intuitive eating" a lot on this blog, but it occurred to me that perhaps this might be greek to a few people. After all, less than a year ago I had never heard of intuitive eating myself.

The most common reaction I get from people who first hear about intuitive eating is that I'm giving up. I'm embracing the idea of spending my life extremely overweight so that I can indulge in all the sweets I can get my hands on.

My husband used to call me his hummingbird because of my obsession with sugar. During all my years of restricting and dieting I would sneak sugar whenever possible. I looked for ways to always be getting more sugar into my diet. I could never stop at just one piece. I had to eat the whole package. My family all knows me as the one with the sweet tooth. But since I have begun intuitive eating I eat a piece of candy here or there, or a dessert when I feel like it, but I'm able to stop after just a small amount. In fact there are times I have passed up on dessert altogether.

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Here are the details.  While it is true that when it comes to intuitive eating there are no rules, that doesn't mean eating with abandon. Calorie counting and forbidden foods go out the window. If you want ice cream and french fries for dinner that is completely allowed and acceptable, no guilt. However, it is called "intuitive" for a reason. The idea is that you are getting back in touch with your body.

The hope is that you will stop eating when you are full. You'll only eat when you are physically hungry. And you'll eat exactly what your body wants.

How often do you eat something just because it's available? What about eating mindlessly until you realize you are so full you might pop? And have you ever eaten a ridiculous amount of something because "tomorrow you're going on a diet and you'll never get to eat this again?"

When eating intuitively you listen to your body making sure to only eat when you are hungry and to stop when you are full. Sounds simple, but it's amazing how difficult this can be for us to actually put into practice.

The other side of this coin involves eating what your body wants. So let's say you did eat ice cream and french fries for dinner, how did you feel after the meal was over? Did you feel energized? Did you feel healthy, happy, nourished? Because that is how we want to feel after a meal. The more time you spend observing how the food you eat makes you feel the more you want to make choices that help you feel your best.

People who practice intuitive eating find their weight battle at an end. They no longer lose and gain like they are on a roller coaster. Their weight naturally stops where it should be.  There is no "giving up" involved. Rather, intuitive eating is the ultimate form of healthy eating in order to lose weight and give your body the nourishment it actually wants and needs.

Read this post by Dr. Solomon from Nourishing the Soul for more on the subject of "giving up."

Lessons about food from my toddler

Yesterday I couldn't get my little one to eat. I tried everything, but he just wanted his sippy cup. I was happy to see him staying hydrated, but was concerned that he wouldn't eat more than a few bites of anything.

Cormac has been sick lately, but the last two days had been on the mend. So his lack of appetite was concerning for me. Tack on the fact that he is P.I.C.K.Y. when it comes to food (I don't know where he gets it; I was always such a good eater. . . sorry Mom for putting you through that) and you get one stressed out mom. I was sure I was starving him to death.

He wasn't the only one without an appetite yesterday. I didn't want to eat anything. Food just seemed unappetizing and yucky. But I was sick. I knew what was wrong with me. And if I decided not to eat than it way my own business. Besides, how was I expected to eat when I was sure my ear drum was going to burst if it hadn't already. I was so sure that it was okay for me not to eat. I knew what I was doing. I am learning to become an intuitive eater and if my body didn't want food than it was just fine.

But Cormac needed to eat.

Because I'm an adult.

And I knew better.

Last night after putting Cormac to bed I was sure he would wake up in the middle of the night starving. I was sure I should have tried harder to get him to eat something. Anything.

This morning when I woke up I was hungry. My appetite had returned. My body is still not healed, but whatever was going on yesterday had eased and it was time to fuel my body.

And Cormac? He slept great last night. And he woke up hungry too. He ate a good breakfast. Not as much as I though he would, but then I think his recent growth spurt has slowed as well.

As I was thinking about food and bodies this morning I realized how silly I had been trying to force Cormac to eat. There is a lot about intuitive eating that I am still getting used to. And there is a lot that I can learn from him. We are born intuitive eaters. We are in touch with our bodies right from the start. It's over time that we learn how to stop listening.

So while being a mom is hard, and I will probably always stress when he is not eating as well as I think he should, I am going to try to ease up and allow my son to always stay in touch with his own body. If he feels he has had enough then who am I to tell him otherwise? And maybe I can get just as in touch with my own body someday.

Changing the world: Self Love as a Revolutionary Act

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So I'm on this path to become an intuitive eater. I'm making progress. But it certainly doesn't happen over night. I was first intrigued with the idea of intuitive eating back in August, however I wasn't really ready to embrace it yet. It was a radical change in thinking for me. One I wanted to make, but wasn't really there yet. And even though I'm still learning the ins and outs of intuitive eating, and even though I still have to really think about it my mind is in the right place and I'm converted.

A funny thing conversion. Once someone becomes truly converted to a cause they become passionate about that thing. They want to share it with the world and convert everyone else. I too have had these feelings. Any time I hear a friend or family member speak of how they are counting calories or doing this or that diet I want to tell them how wrong they are. I want to explain to them that there is a better way. I want to show off all my new knowledge about how dieting is destroying our bodies. I forget that a few short months ago I too was not ready for intuitive eating.

I heard on the news yesterday that they have come up with a new diet fad. It's a pacemaker for your stomach. Apparently after you eat some food it sends a signal to your brain to tell you you are full. Um. . . did you know that we already have those mechanisms in place? We are born with them. We just stopped listening.

Then I hear about things like bariatric (weight loss) surgery. Great idea. Go to sleep and wake up thinner. Except that the health "complications" that come after the surgery are truly horrifying. You have to live the rest of your life like that, you can never go back. And often that life is cut short as a result of the surgery. What about the HCG diet? Well, I know people that are having strokes because of it. Younger than me. And most of the people are gaining back all the weight.

Every new diet hurts our body. It causes so much damage. Even calorie counting and exercise is damaging. The only true way to be healthy is to listen to your body's cues. But I need to back off, because, once again, this is a radical thought that can be too much for those not ready to hear it.

I have been reading Health at Every Size (which I highly recommend and no I'm not getting paid to tell you that). She points out that we've already lost the "war on obesity." Every new generation is a little taller, yet we haven't waged a war on height. As we evolve and our circumstances change so do our bodies. But being "overweight" isn't really as dangerous as many (those who stand to profit from it) have led us to believe.

But I digress, what I really wanted to share from that book was this:

"Self-love may be the most revolutionary act you can engage in. A person who is content in his or her body--fat or thin--disempowers the industries that prey on us and helps rewrite cultural mores."

What a way to say it. What we really need in this world is a lot more self-love. When we learn to love and appreciate our bodies we will also learn to take care of them. We will learn to listen and trust our bodies. God gave us all the tools that we need to be healthy (and that includes maintaining a healthy weight). But we have to tune out the noise and learn to listen again.

So I'm converted. And if you would ever like to learn more about this new lifestyle I would love, love, love to share of my knowledge. And I'll try to remember that preaching won't change the world.

If you are a convert to this lifestyle too and are struggling with how to balance your beliefs with those of family and friends I recommend this article.

Free Books and Stuff

So, I'm a little shocked by how few people are entering the giveaway. It's a free book. But then I guess that just shows you where my passion lies. I love books. I collect them. I have to have them. I even keep books I don't like very much just because it's a book. Regardless of my personal feelings for books I felt that perhaps I hadn't really explained myself well. So here I am going to give you a proper book review to express why I felt strongly enough to fork out my own money to purchase a book to give away.

Intuitive Eating was written by two registered dietitians who have been working with countless patients over the years. They start off by telling of how they would work with these patients to help them lose weight. They would set up meal plans and eventually the people would successfully lose weight, but inevitably after a few months to a few years these patients would call back having gained back all the weight and usually more. These people were dejected that they had failed and felt that they couldn't be trusted with food on their own. So they wanted to be put back on another plan and wanted to have their hands held through the whole process.

Both Tribole and Resch saw how these patients would come back feeling guilty and hating themselves over this whole event. Here is how they describe their patients who have been on diet after diet:

"...the harder you try to diet, the harder you fall--it really hurts not to succeed if you did everything right. The best description for this effect is given by John Foreyt, Ph.D., a noted expert in dieting psychology. He likened it to a Chinese finger puzzle (a hollow cylinder of straw into each end of which you insert an index finger). The harder you try to get out, the more pressure you exert, the more difficult it is to get out of the puzzle. Instead, you find yourself locked in tighter . . . trapped . . . frustrated."

So that was when these two decided that something was wrong with the way they were helping these people gain a healthy weight and gain health in general.

Something that amazed me about all these patients was that each one of them had these symptoms:
~ The mere contemplation of going on a diet brings on urges and cravings for "sinful" foods.
~ Upon ending a diet, going on a food binge and feeling guilty.
~ Having little trust in self with food.
~ Feeling that you don't deserve to eat.
~ Shortened dieting duration.
~ Last supper bingeing (when you eat everything you will "never eat again." I've been doing this one since I had my baby 9 months ago because I've felt like I need to go on a diet.).
~ Social withdrawal.
~ Sluggish metabolism.
~ Eating disorders.

So Tribole and Resch put their patients on a program to help them give up dieting forever. The plan is all about learning to eat when you are biologically hungry. Eating what you want and being totally satisfied and happy with your choices. Eating what makes your body feel good and energized. And then stopping when you are comfortably full. The steps include:

1. Reject the diet mentality.
2. Honor your hunger.
3. Make peace with food.
4. Challenge the food police.
5. Feel your fullness.
6. Discover the satisfaction factor.
7. Cope with your emotions without using food.
8. Respect your body.
9. Exercise--Feel the difference.
10. Honor your health--gentle nutrition.

On a personal note:
What I love so much about all of this is that it makes sense to me. I've yo-yo dieted for years. I struggled with an eating disorder. I've done all of that. The mere thought of going on another diet makes me cringe and yet the thought of staying overweight the rest of my life is too depressing to not go on another diet, but this gives me hope. This leads me to believe that if others can eat normal and maintain a normal, healthy weight, that perhaps I can too. I am still on the very first two steps. I am still struggling to give up the idea that I should never ever diet again, but I want to, so that is half the battle. Sometimes I fail to eat when I'm hungry because I'm busy. Other times I don't because I feel like if I'm hungry then maybe I'll lose weight. This is flawed thinking and I'm dealing with it. So it is going to take me a while, but I'm excited about the possibilities.

That is why I was so excited to share it with my readers. That is why I wanted you to get a chance to read this and to feel the hope that I feel. So, now that I've explained myself I hope that you will consider looking into this book if it sounds like something you can live with. Everyone is different. Different things work for different people. And people don't like to be told how they should approach weight loss if it means it won't be a fast fix, but here you have it. You can enter the giveaway here.

If you have left me a comment double check that you really are a follower on the side bar so that you can be included in the drawing. If you are a follower, but haven't left me a comment saying you want to be in the drawing, please do that too, right here. I would hate for you to be excluded when you wanted to be included.