Thursday, July 1, 2010
Once upon a time this was me. Do you know that I thought I was fat? I was so embarrassed of my appearance. Before my pregnancy and before I decided to start eating like a crazed animal, before all of that, I still was unhappy with my appearance.
This is my hubby and I not too long before the weight gaining spree. Yes, I was embarrassed in this picture too. Thus the sweater draped over the arm strategically placed in front of me. Oh, and I'm really not that short. My husband is just that tall. Although I was wearing heals. Maybe I am short.
When I meet new people now I feel the need to work into our first conversation that I used to be much thinner. Like they care. Like that's what they need to know and want to talk about when they meet me the first time. I think if I were on the other end of that conversation I would think that I'm a crazy, obsessed person. I think that is probably not too far off the mark. Especially the obsessed part.
I avoid seeing anyone who might have known me before I gained all my weight. Even family. I don't want to be around anyone who knew the skinnier me. If I am around those people I find that excuses for my current shape pour out of my mouth faster than water from a fire hydrant. Once again, I doubt they care that much.
Here I am today. Well, a few days ago. Am I that fat? Well it depends on who you ask. If you ask SparkPeople.com I am considered obese. I think that's bull. I'm certainly not where I would like to be. But I'm still fitting through doors. But you probably can guess that I'm not happy with where I'm at. You have no idea what it took for me to get up the courage to post this picture. As well as this next one:
Once again, doing everything in my power to hide behind something. This time it's my adorable 8 month old son looking handsome in his shades. I post these pictures to help myself face who I am today. I need to stop obsessing. I need to stop trying to pretend like I am something other than what I am. I need to learn to be happy with where I'm at. I wasn't happy when I was thinner. I'm not happy now. Obviously this problem is not just about my size.
Here's the kicker, I did this to myself. Once again, I. Did. This. To. Myself. Pregnancy and nursing certainly helped, but I was losing weight after I had my baby. I was doing fine. I obviously had some baggage after delivering my rather large little boy, but I would have been fine. The months after my son was born are when this happened. You want to know what I ate? I ate toffee, fudge, and caramel. Lots of it. I also ate as much of everything as I wanted. I used excuses like, "I'm nursing." I believed that all I had to do was nurse and the weight would fall off of me like it does for some people. But it didn't. I also didn't exercise at all. So why am I 40 pounds overweight? Because of my actions and my choices.
Ouch. That hurts to say it, but there it is. It wasn't until recently that I decided that I was tired of seeing the scale climb. When I hit 48 pounds overweight I decided it was time to do something. Here I am. But this isn't just about the weight. In fact, my hope is that eventually this will have nothing to do with that stupid number. My hope is that I will be able to start distancing myself from the image that the world, and currently myself, thinks I need to keep up. My hope is that one day I will look in the mirror and like what I see. But most importantly, I hope to be able to accept myself where I am at and know that where I am is right and healthy for me.
So here I am. Shedding light on all those little disclaimers and lies. No more. I am done with excuses. This is me. I did this to myself. But I am in control. I will be healthy, and I will be happy. I have that power.